[electricgold]

i wasn't sure what to post this on. i just need someone's input, opinion, feedback, whatever. im going to start with some background. i was always the outcast in my friend group. i was invited to big group outings, parties, etc., but no one ever invited me to hang out with just them or a small group. except for one person, my best friend. we hung out, had sleepovers, went to concerts, everything best friends did. she was all i had my whole life since the sixth grade. time passed, she became closer and closer to another friend in the group. we grew further apart, fought more, barely talked. summer came, and i basically had no genuine friends. i stayed home that entire summer. i was never invited to go anywhere or do anything and i did was see what everyone else was doing through social media. then, towards the end of summer, the girl that'd been my best friend unexpectedly died. i was heartbroken, still, though we'd barely spoke for months. through the grieving process, i spent more and more time with my group of friends, and i became closer to everyone. i started to get invited to things, and i didn't feel left out anymore. my popularity grew. the girl that had been best friends with my ex best friend started getting closer to me, calling me her bestie, always asking me to hang out. she even called me her soul sister. after what, six months? when six months ago she hardly noticed or talked to me. it doesn't feel right to me. it shouldn't be me. i even got invited to go on a spring break trip with her and another that was very close to the girl who died. the whole trip i just couldn't help thinking that if she was still alive it would be her that was here, not me. and now im going to college and rooming with this girl that calls me her best friend but probably wishes i was someone else. and the worst part is, im happier than ive ever been. i have a lot of friends, boys talk to me, i have more followers and get more like on instagram than i ever have. and im happy. but underneath the happiness, im so, so guilty. because this should not be my life, and it never would have been if there hadn't been this fatal accident. i just dont know what im supposed to feel, and i cant google it because this isnt an everyday thing. i dont want to feel so happy and sometimes i dont because of the guilt. it just depends on the day. i feel even more guilty on some of the days i dont even think of her until the very end. and then i think, wow, i just went a whole day just forgetting her like she never even existed and this was always my life and not hers. i just need some sort of help, i dont even know what kind, but i hope someone can offer it to me. please. thank you.

[*Laurie*]

Hi electricgold, Welcome to PC. I am so very sorry for your loss.

I understands that the way you feel is strange and uncomfortable, but actually I don't think it's that unusual. I'll give you an example. My sister, whom I deeply and profoundly loved, died 1 1/2 years ago. Over the months since she died I have felt myself take on certain traits or characteristics of hers. Sometimes it has happened to the point at which I almost feel half out of my own body as I transform into her.

I believe that it is a part of the grief process. It is also a way to honor and to keep alive certain aspects of the person we loved and who died.

My grief support leader said to our group that someone in our lives will step forward and fill the needs that person did that passed away.

You’re that person.

They need you, and you need them. You are all the closest thing that each of you needs.

Don’t feel bad. This is what is supposed to happen.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by key tones

My grief support leader said to our group that someone in our lives will step forward and fill the needs that person did that passed away.

You’re that person.

They need you, and you need them. You are all the closest thing that each of you needs.

Don’t feel bad. This is what is supposed to happen.

What a fascinating concept. Really gets me thinking. Thanks for sharing that, kt.

[SeekerSeeking]

I don't think it's unusual that you would take on some of your best friends attributes--she was your best for a long time; she was a good role model. Thank her and live it.

It's okay to be happy after her death; I believe she'd want that--so stop your inner dialogue of guilt. What is--is. And unfortunately, your friend died, and you are alive. Nothing will change that--but living a happy life will be a testament to the friendship you two once had.

Live it. It's okay...

[Mountaindewed]

I’m not sure this is related, but

I feel like I’m living my childhood friends life. Like her childhood.

I was so jealous of her. And I could be really mean sometimes. Of course my 7-12 year old self didn’t realize it was jealously. It started in second grade when she got chosen for the gifted program. Her family also had money, and they would take her out of school to go on vacation. she was popular and athletic. She was literally perfect.

Now I feel like I’m kind of living her childhood. At least in some ways.

I can afford to travel now and I can do things I couldn’t do when I was a kid becasuse my parents couldn’t afford them.

I keep my Facebook public hoping she’ll look me up and see my vacation pictures and stuff that I have bought and realize that I’m not the loser I was in grade school. That I’ve been successful.