[summersover]

Originally I wasn't going to make a post on here about this, but I've been thinking about this for awhile and started to wonder if others are going through something similar.

I first joined this site in early 2016 when I was living with my boyfriend in Sweden (I'm back in the United States now and I was born here). Long story short, we broke up because of distance and I had been cheating on him with a man I met on the internet but never met in real life. Ever since, my Swedish ex has been bullying me and even destroyed some of my friendships with people we were mutal friends with. The abuse/harrassment has been going on for years now. And because of not only that but other things in my life, I feel like I've completely changed as a person.

I often feel like a broken, empty shell of the person I used to be; I was very artistic and musical, and I had a genuine caring attitude regarding other people, even people who treated me poorly. Now it feels like that old me is constantly fighting the new me: a very practical, cold, passive person who only wants to be the best at everything she does. But at the same time, I've internalized all those negative things my ex has told me, and I truly believe that I'm a bad person, and this new me has validated that.

As a result, I've started hanging out with people I wouldn't normally hang around with; radical conservatives, and cold people in general. And I've been trying to isolate my old friends and sabotage my relationships with them by making questionable posts on social media or using them for my own selfish gain. For example, I sexted a guy friend of mine only for my pleasure, while he was serious about having a committed relationship with me.

All of my old friends tell me I need therapy and medication while my new, "different" friends tell me my old friends are just a bunch of toxic people I should cut out of my life. It's like there's an external battle between the people I care about as well as an internal battle between my two contridicting identities.

Does anyone else relate to this or have any advice on what I can do? Maybe I should find a balance of my two selves or is this new, more edgy and cold me just a phase? (I'm almost 23, by the way.)

[Thunder Bow]

Are you feeling depressed?

[Skeezyks]

Well... I think we all have multiple aspects to our personalities. Due to some unfortunate experiences you've had recently in your young life, it sounds like yours have coalesced, so to speak, into two seemingly opposite components. (That's not to say they will stay that way. But that's the way it perhaps feels to you at present.)

The Buddhist meditation teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, used to say: "Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news!" He understood that it is in the midst of upheaval that we have our greatest opportunity to grow. If you see a therapist at the present time, I think this would all be great subject matter for thorough & intensive discussion & introspection. By looking deeply into these two dimensions of your personality, you may find your way to a whole new wiser & more mature you that will transcend both of the "yous" you're struggling with at the moment. And, if by some chance, you're not seeing a therapist at the present time... perhaps the time is neigh? (Some of your current so-called "friends" may be suggesting you need therapy as a way of putting you down. But, in reality, seeing a therapist as a way of growing as a person could be a very positive step forward.)

Oh... & as far as all of those other people go, any of them who seem to just want to pull you one direction or another, my recommendation would be to get rid of them! If that means changing the way you handle yourself on social media then so be it. Maintain relationships only with people who you feel are genuinely interested in seeing you grow as person. Remember that old truism: it's hard to fly with eagles when you're up to your behind in alligators! I wish you well...