[Nix]

I was just wondering if you bring your therapist a gift at holiday time.

I try not to ask too many personal questions of my therapist or anything because I know it's supposed to be a professional relationship. But I wanted to bring a small gift to show my appreciation because he's someone who means a lot in my life right now, and when I was googling ideas of something I could make I stumbled upon a small gift that had a connection with something he is interested in or that has meaning to him. And I thought it was a really unique gift.

So I purchased it and hoped it would arrive in time and left work at lunch to go to the post office to get it before my appointment, and wrapped it in the nicest dollar store wrapping I could find lol. And I was excited to give it to him.

I had a handmade card because I made about 11 or 12 of them for the people closest to me this year. And I thanked him in it for some of the ways he has made a difference for me and wished him happy holidays and health and happiness in 2018, and then signed it Sincerely, [full name].

And then when I got there yesterday he immediately said he wasn't allowed to receive gifts and then I felt bad and I felt dumb. He asked if it was money and I said no, it was just a small ornament, so he said OK. And then at the end of the session he opened it and said thank you. But it was definitely a thank you like, "thank you, but you shouldn't have." And he said he never should have told me that he liked [thing that he likes]. So I felt sort of embarrassed like I had done something wrong or inappropriate. And also a little deflated because I was looking forward to giving the gift.

I just wondered if it's inappropriate to give your therapist a gift at the holidays or if I did something wrong by not making it generic and impersonal.

[Ginger Mary]

I gave mine a personalised card and a little chocolate and he seemed happy about it. Maybe it's just different from therapist to therapist, but I don't think you did anything wrong.

[BrazenApogee]

My understanding is that it is not good for T's to accept presents because it might influence the relationship. Most T's seem to approach this boundary with strict "no gifts" policy. This way they don't have to get muddled into trying to figure out each situation.

That being said, I know my T accepts some gifts. I have given him artwork, and he puts it in a special place in the room. If I wanted it back he would give it back, I believe. He got some fake flowers from someone once, and they were in the room for a few weeks, and then they disappeared. I don't know if he would receive a bigger gift.

It sounds like your T has very strict boundaries. Some T's do. The fact that your T admonished himself for revealing personal information, even a little bit, shows how strict their boundaries are. It is a general rule that T's shouldn't talk about themselves, but sometimes it leaks out a bit, here and there, and for most T's that's fine because it's part of the process.

Maybe you could talk about how the experience felt to you next session, and discuss their strict boundaries. There could be more you don't know about.

[Teddy Bear]

Sometimes the T has rules about gifts

[Nix]

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

My understanding is that it is not good for T's to accept presents because it might influence the relationship. Most T's seem to approach this boundary with strict "no gifts" policy. This way they don't have to get muddled into trying to figure out each situation.

That being said, I know my T accepts some gifts. I have given him artwork, and he puts it in a special place in the room. If I wanted it back he would give it back, I believe. He got some fake flowers from someone once, and they were in the room for a few weeks, and then they disappeared. I don't know if he would receive a bigger gift.

It sounds like your T has very strict boundaries. Some T's do. The fact that your T admonished himself for revealing personal information, even a little bit, shows how strict their boundaries are. It is a general rule that T's shouldn't talk about themselves, but sometimes it leaks out a bit, here and there, and for most T's that's fine because it's part of the process.

Maybe you could talk about how the experience felt to you next session, and discuss their strict boundaries. There could be more you don't know about.

That’s a good idea but I think I feel too embarrassed to bring it up. Thanks for the input.

I think it a good idea to give a gift for the entire office or clinic staff to enjoy. This incidentally is where your cards and gifts are likely to end up anyway; as, for many in the healthcare field, to accept such gifts would be unethical.

[guilloche]

Nix, it sounds like what you did was incredibly thoughtful and totally appropriate! Your T just handled it *awfully*. Is he fairly young or new to being a T? Does he work for a group (i.e. is he not an independent T who works for himself?)

So, in some groups/companies that employ multiple Ts, they're not allowed to accept gifts, per the company/owner's rules. And, most Ts aren't allowed to accept *expensive* gifts, per their ethics.

My understanding is that it's about not taking advantage of the client, given the power dynamics of the relationship, and about examining the unconscious motivation behind the gift. Sometimes a gift really is a way to genuinely show your gratitude, sometimes it's trying to get closer to a T or change the relationship, sometimes it's a way to show dominance in the relationship. There are probably hundreds of other things that *could* be going on with gifts.

But, Ts should handle them with some... grace and class, and not leave you feeling embarrassed about it. What you did was a nice gesture, and you didn't do anything wrong. (If your T previously told you that they couldn't accept gifts, and you purposefully got them something anyway - that would be more problematic. But in this case, you weren't aware of the rule - and the rule isn't a rule meant for YOU anyway - or they would have told you, and worded it like, "clients are not allowed to bring gifts for their Ts"!)

If you can, I absolutely think you should talk to your T about what happened and how you feel. Therapy is supposed to be a somewhat experimental place where you can try things out in the relationship (per my last therapist) and where you can be honest about your feelings. It might make sense to tell them upfront that this is hard for you to talk about, but that you were very embarrassed and hurt by what happened. I'd hope (very much!) that having had some time to think about it, your T would react better this time around, and help validate that you don't have anything to be embarrassed about.

Oh wow... I just thought... imagine if we all did what your T did. Had rules that we didn't tell people about until they broke them, and then made them feel bad for not knowing in advance what the rule was! That's definitely crazy-making behavior!

[Nix]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Nix, it sounds like what you did was incredibly thoughtful and totally appropriate! Your T just handled it *awfully*. Is he fairly young or new to being a T? Does he work for a group (i.e. is he not an independent T who works for himself?)


So, in some groups/companies that employ multiple Ts, they're not allowed to accept gifts, per the company/owner's rules. And, most Ts aren't allowed to accept *expensive* gifts, per their ethics.


My understanding is that it's about not taking advantage of the client, given the power dynamics of the relationship, and about examining the unconscious motivation behind the gift. Sometimes a gift really is a way to genuinely show your gratitude, sometimes it's trying to get closer to a T or change the relationship, sometimes it's a way to show dominance in the relationship. There are probably hundreds of other things that *could* be going on with gifts.


But, Ts should handle them with some... grace and class, and not leave you feeling embarrassed about it. What you did was a nice gesture, and you didn't do anything wrong. (If your T previously told you that they couldn't accept gifts, and you purposefully got them something anyway - that would be more problematic. But in this case, you weren't aware of the rule - and the rule isn't a rule meant for YOU anyway - or they would have told you, and worded it like, "clients are not allowed to bring gifts for their Ts"!)


If you can, I absolutely think you should talk to your T about what happened and how you feel. Therapy is supposed to be a somewhat experimental place where you can try things out in the relationship (per my last therapist) and where you can be honest about your feelings. It might make sense to tell them upfront that this is hard for you to talk about, but that you were very embarrassed and hurt by what happened. I'd hope (very much!) that having had some time to think about it, your T would react better this time around, and help validate that you don't have anything to be embarrassed about.


Oh wow... I just thought... imagine if we all did what your T did. Had rules that we didn't tell people about until they broke them, and then made them feel bad for not knowing in advance what the rule was! That's definitely crazy-making behavior!

Thanks guilloche, that helps a lot.

[BrazenApogee]

Originally Posted by guilloche

the rule isn't a rule meant for YOU anyway - or they would have told you, and worded it like, "clients are not allowed to bring gifts for their Ts"!

Very well put. It is not a rule that is about you, it is a rule about being a T. A rule they are supposed to follow to protect you from the harm that changing the relationship could cause. I think that is why some T's are so strict on the rule, because they don't want to "break the frame" and cause harm.

I agree, talking about it would be a great thing, maybe not the comfortable thing, but good for therapy. That's what it's all about

[nicoleflynn]

I think it is sad.....if it is an inexpensive gift or card; it should be accepted with grace.....I don't really see a problem (I think some of the rules don't make sense)....unless it is a car or a new house.....I think it is making a mountain out of a molehill.

[BrazenApogee]

I think the premise of the T gift boundary is that it changes the relationship. Gifts come with a host of expectations, and reciprocal giving can not happen in a T relationship. T is not supposed to receive gifts from clients because the therapy is not supposed to be about T, and accepting the gift would make T the focus. For therapy to work, T has to put their needs aside within the relationship with client. Gift giving, and receiving, is what friends do and T can't be a friend. If T acted like a friend to the client, and received the gift, the relationship would change into more of a friendship than a T relationship. I know it may sound backwards, but really, a T refusing a gift is a very caring T thing to do, because they are protecting the T relationship. If they accepted it, there is a very big chance their own needs may damage the T relationship. So, it's all about the T being very careful to remain a T to you.

[BrazenApogee]

This is also why it is important to talk about it with T, even though it might be uncomfortable. Talking about what you were wanting and expecting and how you felt, is so very important to the therapy. And, any good T will listen and talk about it with you.

[Rose76]

He said he "wasn't allowed to receive gifts" ?? Wasn't allowed by whom?

I've never given a gift to a therapist, but I don't see where a small token should be thought inappropriate. That it was related to some interest he expressed was, IMHO, a nice touch, as long as it was something small and not costing more than, say, $15 or thereabouts. Like if my therapist told me she had a glass menagerie, and I brought her a little glass penguin, I wouldn't think that was in any way too forward. The normal response would be, "That's very pretty. Thank you."

I think your therapist is sounding kind of neurotic. To say he now believes he "never should have told you he liked such and such" is him suggesting he needs to be in some kind of a social straight-jacket that seems like him having excessive scrupple. He sounds to me like he has some insecurity about his own professionalism.

Without knowing the gift, it's hard to evaluate this. I would advise you to keep in mind that therapists are not necessarily perfectly well-adjusted themselves. I know you admire and appreciate him. That's good. But he may some problems of his own.

I don't think value of a gift should have anything to do with the decision on whether or not to accept it. I just think it puts the healthcare provider in a difficult position ethically.

[Nix]

Originally Posted by Rose76

He said he "wasn't allowed to receive gifts" ?? Wasn't allowed by whom?.

It is a group clinic type situation. He doesn’t work for himself.

[Nix]

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

I think the premise of the T gift boundary is that it changes the relationship. Gifts come with a host of expectations, and reciprocal giving can not happen in a T relationship. T is not supposed to receive gifts from clients because the therapy is not supposed to be about T, and accepting the gift would make T the focus. For therapy to work, T has to put their needs aside within the relationship with client. Gift giving, and receiving, is what friends do and T can't be a friend. If T acted like a friend to the client, and received the gift, the relationship would change into more of a friendship than a T relationship. I know it may sound backwards, but really, a T refusing a gift is a very caring T thing to do, because they are protecting the T relationship. If they accepted it, there is a very big chance their own needs may damage the T relationship. So, it's all about the T being very careful to remain a T to you.

This is a good point, Brazen, thank you.

[Mountaindewed]

I’ve given my therapists home made cookies and microwable popcorn I didn’t have any use for. I also gave my therapist some Easter window decals. All I’ve gotten is an enthusiastic thank you.

[possum220]

I used to give my T gifts. He accepted them and was thankful. The I found out that most of his gifts got were re-gifted to other people. Now I don't bother.

[JoeS21]

>personable, <expensive = okay
>expensive, <personable = not okay

[whewpew]

Originally Posted by possum220

I used to give my T gifts. He accepted them and was thankful. The I found out that most of his gifts got were re-gifted to other people. Now I don't bother.

How did you find out?

[possum220]

I found out because the very specific item that I had given him turned up at a friends house and my friend had said that their T had given it to them. We have the same T.

This has happened with other gifts people give him.

[YoucancallmeFlower]

I made a piece of jewelry for mine that would have sold in my studio for $45. The next time I saw her she had a student sitting in to observe, with my permission. She tried to give it back. In front of the student.
I was humiliated. The next I took it back and destroyed it in front of
her. She was so obtuse she actually asked for one of the beads.
She knows nothing about DID and I avoid her as much as possible.
Can't wait to change docs. If her 'ethics' make it okay to hurt my feelings like that, then f*** her.

[YoucancallmeFlower]

Sorry Brazen,
That was just angry and some of my personal stuff.

No, I don't think you behaved inappropriately at all. It was a sweet and thoutful
gesture and he handled it badly. Talk about socially awkward!
This is something that should be covered in the very first session. Tell us you
can't accept gifts from us. That would make things so much simpler.

[Llama_Llama44]

The only gift I've ever given T is a small rock that I collected while on a trip. I didn't know if he would accept it or not, but he did, and its with the other little decorations in his office still (including some other rocks; he has some little things like that in the office).

I agree with the others that you should talk about it with your T if possible, and that, while maybe understandable that he is wary of accepting gifts (especially working for an organization like that), he should be able to handle it in a kind way, and not make you feel ashamed!

I also think there is some possibility that he was caught off guard, felt a little uncomfortable about the rules, etc., and therefore responded in a less appropriate and caring way than you would have normally expected.

[lilypeppermint]

I gave my T a Christmas card once and he accepted it.