[aaronV42]

I am 42 years old now. I was emotionally abused as a child. One type of this is why I am posting this here. I need to know what this tactic or method is called.

So for instance as a child if I were to have stolen something from a store and my mother caught me she would say this while crying "Do you know how much this hurts me? Do you know how disappointed in you I am?" In turn I would cry and say "Sorry, mommy I won't do that again."

My parents used this constantly and it really hurt and it really destroyed my self esteem as a child. I thought I was useless and a burden because I had caused so much pain.

In any event, I witnessed my father doing this to my daughter while we visited them on vacation. The key to the storage shed had gone missing and my dad had my daughter in tears by using this tactic.

Now I have talked to my mom and apparently mom and dad had learned this technique in a marriage counseling session. They learned it to better understand each other's feelings. I can't for the life of me think of a reason why they thought that would be a good parenting skill.

I am having a hard time now allowing my children to go stay with their grandparents for fear that every time they misbehave they get this treatment.

What is called? Where can I find a reference to it online. I need to approach my parents about this. I have not up to this point talked with my parents about how they abused me as a child. I have to talk to them now though to spare my children.

Thanks,
Aaron

[healingme4me]

I have no idea what it's called specifically. Other than examples of this surrounding theft, are there some other examples?

How often do your children see your parents? Have you processed your childhood with a therapist?

[Thunder Bow]

That kind of treatment is about bad feelings and control. Best not to expose your own children to their actions and problems.

[aaronV42]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I have no idea what it's called specifically. Other than examples of this surrounding theft, are there some other examples?

How often do your children see your parents? Have you processed your childhood with a therapist?

I have not done that with a therapist yet.

[evercoal]

It seems to be a manipulation tactic of some sort..

[eskielover]

Hmmmm, trying to get you to feel how your wrong behavior of stealing effects others especially your parents. Did you really think stealing was ok until your mother let you know how badly your behavior affected her?

I personally woukd have marched you right back to the store & you would have been answering to the store manager & not me but you definitely would have learned that behavior was unacceptable & not JUST because it disappointed me.

[12AM]

Guilt trip.

[goldiemom]

Yes I believe thats an appropriate response by your parents to stealing. Children need to learn that their actions affect other people otherwise they end up in jail. You should also feel guilty and bad when you do wrong to prevent you from doing this again. This is called compassion and its not optional. There are plenty of sociopathic people that will tell you all kinds of fairy tales that experiencing any type of feeling or bad feelings is bad. I feel sorry for people who take this path as it is not a good one. You should raise your kids to be people who are liked and are compassionate. Not people who have no guilt or shame. Those people are irresponsible and cowardly.

[eskielover]

I don't think that it is about making someone feel guilty or shame is doing something wrong but it is more about teaching them to have a conscience for what is right & wrong & I agree....teaching them how their behaviors do affect the people around them. Definitely good for staying out of jail later on in life.

[goldiemom]

Honestly if i didnt feel bad when i do wrong id probably be a pretty bad person. I think the trick is not to never fear but to fear the right things. I do think most people have to feel whether fear or guilt or whatever. These feelings are good and natural in the right proportion and for the right reasons. I agree with you eskielover. I guess it sounds creepy that in parenting you may evoke a bad feeling but my dogs do it in rearing pups and i have one dog the likes to misbehave and he improves with the bad dog guilt thingy. My other dog you can reason with. Just different dogs i guess. I never think its right to have children fear you or anything like that. I wish my folks would have explained stuff to us. We just got hit. No explanation. Sometimes we didnt even know why.

[eskielover]

I guess it sounds creepy that in parenting you may evoke a bad feeling but my dogs do it in rearing pups

This brought to mind a vacation I was on years ago in the mountains of Calif. We had a condo with a retaining wall patio out back, backing up to the mountain. We had my farorite raccoon visitors with their babies. The babies were playing around in back if the retaining wall & between it & the mountain. Mommy raccoon didn't want her babies playing there & grabbed the closest one out onto the hill & started scolding it while holding on & kinda shaking it. The other baby gave mommy raccoon wide berth & got away from the retaining wall where they were playing.....learned by example.

HOWEVER as soon as mommy raccoon left the babies went right back to playing behind the retaining wall. Well that scolding didn't work.

The raccoons I feed now on my farm give their mommy raccoon priority with the food as she will chase or just gnarl at them. I dod like with horses....always put out one more feeding dish than number I am feeding....but yes, even wildlife as well as mommy dogs demand respect & obeying their rules of their young & don't just let them get away with whatever they want to do & their young don't grow up claimimg abuse because their parents didn't let them get away with everything they did.

[Calla lily12]

It sounds like something narcissistic parents would use.

[FergusonsFather]

If it had been used in this one situation (stealing) then maybe it wouldn’t be a huge deal, I find it a little odd for sure, but only odd.
However if like you imply it was a regular tactic and they have a habit of treating family like that then I would say it’s a problem.
I can’t think of any particular name this behaviour would sit under other than what you’ve already called it, emotional abuse. I’d also call it manipulative and selfish.
There’s no way a parent should put that in a child. Sure, telling your child that what they’ve done has upset you is ok, but the sort of guilt that it is making you and your sister feel is not healthy, especially to a spongelike child of a tender age.
If I were in your shoes I would only allow my child to be with the grandparents when I was present, and not alone. Behaviour like this from your parents, if it is this extreme, shows a lack of responsibility and consideration for others feelings.
Just my opinion,
FF

[seesaw]

I agree with Eskie that in this situation it does not seem abusive to me. How else are you supposed to learn other than to see how your actions affect others?

Do you have other examples of how this tactic was used besides stealing or obvious misbehavior by a child that needs correction?

I'm not saying you didn't experience emotional abuse, but it's hard for me to call what you've described as such. Is it a manipulation, sure. But not all manipulations are abusive.

Seesaw

[healingme4me]

How do they approach other misbehaviors? I'm not sure how to expand on boundaries, because the only focus is on theft. Without actual evidence that your daughter took the key, I believe a huge line was crossed. Accusations without concrete evidence and reducing a child to tears over it? If my parents ever dared dream of such nonsense, that would be the last time.

I would probably use the Do you know Why Stealing is Wrong? Approach. Because it's not about My Ego, it's about instilling Moral Code. But that's me...