[hEALerCOol]

First please forgive me for my poor English since it is not my native language.
So, My parents fights a lot. But they are not like fights that normal parents would have, and it had begun since i was only 4 or 5. My mom would yell at my dad for almost everything if she is not in a good mood, and it did not take a long time until i found out that she just hates my dad. When my mom starts that yelling, she does not even care if i were there or not. Most of the time, my dad would not talk back because i think he doesn’t want to scare me, but if he could not stand it he would still yell back though. I could still recall one of the most terrifying fight they had, i was there hugging my mom trying to calm her down and obviously it didn’t work. This fight lasted for like 3 hours in the midnight, and i could barely fall asleep that night after they were done fighting.
Basically there will be no physical fight between them, but there were few times that my mom would throw things to my dad.
I tried to stop them when i was young, even though it failed every time, i never gave up trying. It’s like having a bomb at home waiting to explode, and this scared the hell out of me. And now, to be honest, i am just tired of having to stop them.
So I tried to be a cold person so that i don’t have to feel that fear every time my mom is yelling. But it always end up me being cold to my friends and i would still be terrified when she is again being unreasonable.
Besides, not only will i feel fear, i will also be very angry sometimes, and when that happens, i would feel this urge to throw things to the floor,

Possible trigger:

or maybe throw sharp things to her to stop her being unreasonable.

I am not trying to talk to my mom about this because it will not work anyway. What i am trying to find is is there any way that i could lessen my fear or angry towards their fights? I am afraid that one day i might actually do something that would hurt her.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are having to cope with all of this arguing. I'm an older person now. But many years ago, when I was growing up, I recall my parents fought a lot too. I can vaguely recall one incident where I tried to intervene. My father put me in my place quick-like & I don't think I ever tried that again.

I don't know as there is a lot I can suggest with regard to this. My personal opinion is that what is going on between your parents is between them. It has nothing to do with you directly. So my thinking would be that the best thing to do is to simply stay out of it, perhaps even leave the house for a while if possible. I remember riding away from home on my bicycle on one of my birthdays when my parents were arguing. Whether it's right or wrong, my experience tells me there's really nothing a child (even one of 17) can do to intervene when parents start fighting.

Having written all of that, here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help. The first article is by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelings

How to Keep Fear from Stealing Your Life

6 Ways to Stop Absorbing Other People's Emotions

Techniques for Teens: How to Cope with Your Emotions

My best wishes to you...

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, hEALerCOol It sounds like you're living in an abusive environment right now. Is there any other family member you can reach out to? Any friends? Do you go to school? Perhaps you could ask for help to your teachers. I don't think it's fair you're growing up in such an hostile environment. You can't make them stop the fighting, but you can decide to go away from them if you can. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[Goforward]

Hello and welcome. I'm glad you reached out.

[eskielover]

Just a little insight from someone who fought.....

I grew up with dysfunctional parents I fought with constantly & they verbally fought between themselves too. I went to college thinking my parents problem was lack of education.

While getting my degree I met a guy who was getting his degree & seemed intelligent. We SEEMED to get along ok then got married. My patience were already on overload from living with my parents for 21 years. Turned out after marriage my H just continued to push what little tolerance I had left. We fought from day one of marriage. Yes I saw some red flags right before the wedding & was going to call it off but I rationalized to myself that with his degree he couldn't possibly be like my dad.

We had 1 daughter & I know our fighting has something to do with her unsuccessful relationships too. I finally left the marriage after 33 years of fighting & for the first time in my life I have actually had a peace surround me & I no longer fight. I will stand up for myself but I do not have the constant stress causing environment around me & I have finally learned skills in communicating that I never learned growing up.

Basically my point is that my fighting was between me & my parents to start with then it was only between me & my H. Our daughter was no part of why we were fighting. She would just go up to her room & turn on her TV or turn up her music. She learned to distsnce herself from our fighting when it happened when she was around. She has learned to fight also when it becomes necessary.

No fighting is not what a marriage should be like & sometimes people get married who shouldn't have. Sometimes when a child comes into the picture some parents feel they will get a divorce after the child grows up....only problem with that is that the child loses out either way. They either have to cope with fighting or cope with patents getting divorced. Either way the child is effected negatively.

Best thing you can do is distance yourself. The fighting is between them & there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change that so just stay away when fighting starts.

The problem is that usually when fighting gets to that point the love & respect a good marriage relationship is based on is usually gone. It would take excellent marriage counselling to even sort through the real cause let alone the work to repair the relationship assuming it was ever good in the first place. Divorce is the usual outcome when they have both had enough. It is all between them. Staying out of it completely is your best choice.

[hEALerCOol]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Just a little insight from someone who fought.....

I grew up with dysfunctional parents I fought with constantly & they verbally fought between themselves too. I went to college thinking my parents problem was lack of education.

While getting my degree I met a guy who was getting his degree & seemed intelligent. We SEEMED to get along ok then got married. My patience were already on overload from living with my parents for 21 years. Turned out after marriage my H just continued to push what little tolerance I had left. We fought from day one of marriage. Yes I saw some red flags right before the wedding & was going to call it off but I rationalized to myself that with his degree he couldn't possibly be like my dad.

We had 1 daughter & I know our fighting has something to do with her unsuccessful relationships too. I finally left the marriage after 33 years of fighting & for the first time in my life I have actually had a peace surround me & I no longer fight. I will stand up for myself but I do not have the constant stress causing environment around me & I have finally learned skills in communicating that I never learned growing up.

Basically my point is that my fighting was between me & my parents to start with then it was only between me & my H. Our daughter was no part of why we were fighting. She would just go up to her room & turn on her TV or turn up her music. She learned to distsnce herself from our fighting when it happened when she was around. She has learned to fight also when it becomes necessary.

No fighting is not what a marriage should be like & sometimes people get married who shouldn't have. Sometimes when a child comes into the picture some parents feel they will get a divorce after the child grows up....only problem with that is that the child loses out either way. They either have to cope with fighting or cope with patents getting divorced. Either way the child is effected negatively.

Best thing you can do is distance yourself. The fighting is between them & there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change that so just stay away when fighting starts.

The problem is that usually when fighting gets to that point the love & respect a good marriage relationship is based on is usually gone. It would take excellent marriage counselling to even sort through the real cause let alone the work to repair the relationship assuming it was ever good in the first place. Divorce is the usual outcome when they have both had enough. It is all between them. Staying out of it completely is your best choice.

Thanks a lot for your advices, and actually I know distance myself from them is the best option when they are having a normal fight. But I can’t just go outside every time this happens, I mean it happens like up to 5 or even more times a day, and it does not last long, probably takes only like 3 minutes. The problem is whenever she starts yelling, i will feel angry and fear at the same time and i can’t just go outside every time that happens since those fights are very small and short. But it could still scare the hell out of me even it’s very small.
Still thanks for giving those advices, it means a lot

[Thunder Bow]

Buy inserting yourself into the argument, you are the intruder, the outsider. Thus you will get nowhere. You Mother probably had arguing parents as well, thus the anger. The same anger you now feel. You can not control or stop the fights. Your parents will fight no matter what. It is how they relate to each other. A long standing pattern.

[eskielover]

But it could still scare the hell out of me even it’s very small.

What about it scares you when you said it is verbal & not physical & you said here short blowups???? What scares you about it?

Can't you go to your room & close your door?

[Open Eyes]

Given that you struggle with Autism Spectrum challenges, your parent's fighting can cause you to feel very aggitated and feeling a strong desire to stop the kind of disruptive environment they are creating. Individuals with your challenge tend to be extra sensitive which makes these challenges more difficult to handle. I am wondering if perhaps your father, maybe even your mother may also have Autism Spectrum challenges so this creates the conflict you are witnessing between your parents. This does happen as children can inherit certain conditions from a parent. For example my husband has dyslexia and so does my daughter, they tend to think differently than me and that can be challenging for me in that they both can have short fuses.

Given that you are more sensitive, the sound they make can affect you adversely as well, perhaps get some quality ear plugs to wear around them, set up your bedroom where it's as sound proof as possible and perhaps find soothing things that you can turn on that drown out their sounds when they argue. Your mother has shown you that when you try to help her it can make her get worse, so distance from her instead and either go outside or to your room where you can play music or sound recordings that are more calming for you. Don't choose to throw things, especially not sharp things, instead learn how to get away from them as I have mentioned.

[Open Eyes]

your parent's fighting can cause you to feel very aggitated and feeling a strong desire to stop the kind of disruptive environment they are creating.

After thinking about this more while I was doing my chores around my farm, given your kind of sensitivity, when your parents argue and get loud, part of the challenge for you is that they don't present a pattern that you can follow in your mind. When someone is on the Autistic spectrum, they like things organized a certain way. They can have a hard time trying to explain it in a way that other's can understand. What your parents are doing gets loud, and doesn't make sense to you, I think that because your mother tends to get louder and angrier you tend to reach out to her to try to get her to stop. So lets say you were listening to music and all the instruments were right in front of you that you could step towards and touch. If most of the instruments were playing in order and the sounds they made all fit together nicely, you would be ok with that, but if one instrument disrupted that, you would want to reach out to it to stop it from disrupting things. It's like you need things to run in a clock work way and when you experience something that is different, it disturbs the way your personal clock runs. Actually, this tends to be one of the reasons individuals that are on the Autism Spectrum like to have their day run like clock work and have breakfast at a certain time, eat things a certain way, and eat certain kinds of foods etc. Also, this is why individuals on the spectrum tend to like video games so much because they can be in a world where everything can fit and make sense to them.

You do get angry and you don't want to hurt anyone, but you DO want the noise and these bursts of negative exchanges your parents engage in to stop. You keep asking them, but they keep fighting and they disrupt the order you need to experience in your environment. The only thing you can do is create a place you can retreat to that "has" order that helps you feel comfortable. Ear plugs help, but sometimes they don't completely block the noise. Often what can help is having earphones that play music or have some kind of soothing noise that your brain can follow that shuts out the noise and disruption your parents make in your environment.

I have been around children that struggle to different varying degrees on the Autistic spectrum. Once I begin to interact with them, I have to follow "their world" and when I do that things work out better.

What you could do when it comes to your parents is put up a sign on the refrigerator and say, "would you please stop causing so much loud noise in my environment, it upsets me. Please get help so you can learn how to stop making so much noise in my environment". I don't know if that will work, but you can "try".

[hEALerCOol]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

After thinking about this more while I was doing my chores around my farm, given your kind of sensitivity, when your parents argue and get loud, part of the challenge for you is that they don't present a pattern that you can follow in your mind. When someone is on the Autistic spectrum, they like things organized a certain way. They can have a hard time trying to explain it in a way that other's can understand. What your parents are doing gets loud, and doesn't make sense to you, I think that because your mother tends to get louder and angrier you tend to reach out to her to try to get her to stop. So lets say you were listening to music and all the instruments were right in front of you that you could step towards and touch. If most of the instruments were playing in order and the sounds they made all fit together nicely, you would be ok with that, but if one instrument disrupted that, you would want to reach out to it to stop it from disrupting things. It's like you need things to run in a clock work way and when you experience something that is different, it disturbs the way your personal clock runs. Actually, this tends to be one of the reasons individuals that are on the Autism Spectrum like to have their day run like clock work and have breakfast at a certain time, eat things a certain way, and eat certain kinds of foods etc. Also, this is why individuals on the spectrum tend to like video games so much because they can be in a world where everything can fit and make sense to them.

You do get angry and you don't want to hurt anyone, but you DO want the noise and these bursts of negative exchanges your parents engage in to stop. You keep asking them, but they keep fighting and they disrupt the order you need to experience in your environment. The only thing you can do is create a place you can retreat to that "has" order that helps you feel comfortable. Ear plugs help, but sometimes they don't completely block the noise. Often what can help is having earphones that play music or have some kind of soothing noise that your brain can follow that shuts out the noise and disruption your parents make in your environment.

I have been around children that struggle to different varying degrees on the Autistic spectrum. Once I begin to interact with them, I have to follow "their world" and when I do that things work out better.

What you could do when it comes to your parents is put up a sign on the refrigerator and say, "would you please stop causing so much loud noise in my environment, it upsets me. Please get help so you can learn how to stop making so much noise in my environment". I don't know if that will work, but you can "try".

thanks a lot, and i will try.

But tbh i gave up trying to stop them like few years ago, and i did distance myself when the fights became really scary.
And yes i sure can just go to my room when my mom starts telling, however, sometimes i am just too afraid to leave that space, afraid of the possibility of that yelling turning into a physical fight. I mean it happened before.
The anger i feel is only because my mom is being unreasonable again. Here is an example. My mom is always on a diet, she doesn’t eat even when she is starving. Therefore if my dad is eating in front of her, she for sure would be in a bad mood. She will probably start yelling at him for eating a lot, or even yell at him for making some noise when eating. What I am trying to say is she will watch every moves my dad makes and when there is a chance she would start yelling at him, and sometimes I will see her just staring at my dad.
Sometimes when my friends say they want to come over to my house, i will try to find some excuses, hoping them would give up coming over, bc i don't want to let anyone see that part of me, that part of my family. And therefore everyone thought i grew up in an environment without fights between parents.

To be honest, I am not really sure what i am trying to find here in PC, i just thought maybe i would feel a lot better after having to think about it and say it out loud since i never talk about it to anyone.

[mote.of.soul]

Originally Posted by hEALerCOol

...What i am trying to find is is there any way that i could lessen my fear or angry towards their fights? I am afraid that one day i might actually do something that would hurt her.

Real sorry you're having to deal with such arguing, hEALerCOol. I remember how it was from my past as well - yes, it was terrifying. Horrible.

I really don't know what will work for you, but can you keep reminding yourself that you love your mother & father? Perhaps that could help you. Whenever the yelling begins, just remind yourself that you have love for your parents, that they're just people having a difficult time, that you love them, especially your mum. It may lessen some of the anger and fear you feel at the time. Give it a try.

Big hugs to you, hEALerCOol.

[sarahsweets]

If you are in that much fear that it could turn physical then you have to decide if the police need to be involved. I am not saying that someone getting arrested will be a solution but I am saying that if you fear physical violence you should not be afraid to call.

[eskielover]

But don't call unless it becomes physical. In some states if police an arrest will be made then it gets sorted out & that just creates more issues. If it gets physical call the police.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry (((heALerCOol))), I actually know what it's like to have someone around that can blow up like that, will even do it in front of people. I have been doing my best to stay away from the people that are like this. It's difficult when it's in your own family though.

Your mother needs therapy so she can learn how her behaviors are so unhealthy and is creating such an unhealthy environment. I know what it feels like to live your life walking on eggshells around someone that can blow up and behave badly like this. I also know the fear of reaching out for help in that if you do so it will make it even worse.

How old are you?

[hEALerCOol]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I am sorry (((heALerCOol))), I actually know what it's like to have someone around that can blow up like that, will even do it in front of people. I have been doing my best to stay away from the people that are like this. It's difficult when it's in your own family though.

Your mother needs therapy so she can learn how her behaviors are so unhealthy and is creating such an unhealthy environment. I know what it feels like to live your life walking on eggshells around someone that can blow up and behave badly like this. I also know the fear of reaching out for help in that if you do so it will make it even worse.

How old are you?

I just turn 17

My mom definitely needs therapy from my perspective. I think she knows it too. I guess The reason she never does actually go to a therapist is probably because she doesn’t care if she is creating such an unhealthy environment since she only yells at my dad, not to her friends, to her colleagues.

[Open Eyes]

Well, it could be that your mother's friends allow her to be in control. And maybe her colleages also somehow allow her to have control as well. It could be that your mother has put your father in the role where she takes her frustrations out on him.

Tell me about your father more. What does he do for a living, how does he behave.

[eskielover]

I went to therapy & it didn't stop our fighting. We went to therapy & it didn't stop our fighting. I never fought with friends or colleagues either because they didn't do the things that totally pushed me past my frustration level.

You have no idea what is driving your mom to this point. It probably has nothing to do with caring about creating a healthy or unhealthy environment. In my case my environment with my H was so bad that my fighting was my survival mode. I was trapped from fleeing in flight mode so my only other option was fight (until I could finally flee).

Maybe this whole thing is not about your mom being horrible for fighting. Obviously I wasn't telling my daughter what all the fighting was really about because it was between me & my H. She is now 40 & we have had discussions so she does understand what was driving the fighting & she even understands now.

Is your mom or dad on the autistic spectrum too? Many times it is inherited.

[Open Eyes]

eskie makes some good points.

My concern is that what you are witnessing has been unhealthy for you in that you get this urge to do something bad to make it stop, like having that desire to throw something sharp. Thats a lot like how your mother is handling things which as you can see is not healthy.

When you talked about getting something sharp and throwing it, that is what my older sister did and I was very little. My sister got angry at some children that were playing with her and my older brother and she decided she wanted them to eat ants. Well, they would not do that so she went in the house and got my father's samuri sword and brought it outside and began waving it around and threatening these other children.

My parents used to fight too, and dinner was always stressful because they fought a lot about dinner and my father demanded my mother set everything up so whatever he needed was right in front of him. My father always criticized whatever she cooked too, and my mother was very busy in that she worked, and had to take care of three children, and even before she worked she was very busy taking care of three young children and he never helped very much. Anyway, there was one night that at the dinner table that my father was being a jerk again and my mother stood up to him and he got so mad he threw something that dented the nice table and then he picked up his end of the table and all the food, everything slid down into my mother's lap. I was so scared they were going to kill each other I ran out of the house to my neighbors and told them "I think my father is going to kill my mother". I have never forgotten that experience and the fear I felt. And I think that because I ran to the neighbor that way so terrified, that my parents got embarassed when my neighbors talked to them.

My older sister still can get angry and act badly. Ironically, in a lot of ways she is like my father was. Actually, one thing I noticed as well is how she even positioned herself at the head of the table, the very end of the table my father sat at and her husband actually sits at the very end my mother sat. She is the same way where she has to have all the control and everyone has to do as she says or she practices all kinds of unhealthy punishments. Also, when someone tries to stand up to her? She just gets more toxic and punishes even more, will even go into a rage in front of other people, doesn't matter. So, often her behavior triggers that same fear in me that night when my parent's behaviors frightened me so badly, even when I was so very little and saw her weilding that sword in anger the way she did with those other children.

It's important that you don't end up behaving like your mother. So, when you get that urge to grab something sharp and throw it, know that is WRONG and all you are doing is the same thing you see your mother doing.

I have been doing some reading, something I tend to do a lot and one thing I recently read is that you along with your challenge is as risk of reaching out to the wrong people where you get hurt and victimized. At least there is a lot more information available now when it comes to figuring out how to deal with "toxic" people, what your parents are doing in front of you is "toxic". It's good that you found this support site too because there are a lot of articles that you can read and there are others that can listen and offer support to you too. I didn't have that when I was young so a lot of times I had to figure out a lot of things on my own and I have reached out to toxic people not realizing it simply because I was so young and niave and vulnerable.

I know you are not sure what you want, that's ok, the important thing is you have found a way to vent and get support instead of feeling so alone with this challenge.

Tell me, are you going to school? Because if you are, you can talk to the guidance counseler and let her know what you are experiencing and ask where you can get some help.

[hEALerCOol]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Is your mom or dad on the autistic spectrum too? Many times it is inherited.

Um.. there’s a little misunderstanding here and it’s my fault. I accidentally selected that Autistic spectrum is my first concern but it’s not.
Actually none of us in my family struggle with autistic spectrum😂
Story for the misunderstanding 😂😂

[hEALerCOol]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

eskie makes some good points.

Tell me, are you going to school? Because if you are, you can talk to the guidance counseler and let her know what you are experiencing and ask where you can get some help.

Yes I do go to school.

As for my dad, he is a chemist.

My dad usually won’t yell back when my mom yell at him, bc he know it will only make it worse. And I think part of the reason he just takes all of the yelling without fighting back is because of me.I think he just doesn’t want to scare me I guess.

[Open Eyes]

If you are in school then you can ask to talk to the guidance counselor. It's an option you can think about.

Also, even if you don't have Autism spectrum challenges, what you are experiencing is still toxic. Was your mother always like this?

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by hEALerCOol

Um.. there’s a little misunderstanding here and it’s my fault. I accidentally selected that Autistic spectrum is my first concern but it’s not.
Actually none of us in my family struggle with autistic spectrum😂
Story for the misunderstanding 😂😂

Good to know....thanks for correcting our misunderstanding too. I looked at your profile one time I it was there & checked again & it wasn't listed.....so good to know that was incorrect

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by hEALerCOol

Yes I do go to school.

As for my dad, he is a chemist.

My dad usually won’t yell back when my mom yell at him, bc he know it will only make it worse. And I think part of the reason he just takes all of the yelling without fighting back is because of me.I think he just doesn’t want to scare me I guess.

Some people like your dad just learned good skills to not respond to yelling with yelling especially if they didn't grow up around it.

[hEALerCOol]

[QUOTE=Open Eyes;6428197]
Also, even if you don't have Autism spectrum challenges, what you are experiencing is still toxic. Was your mother always like this?

I think she has been like this for a very long time.