[Audioengineer75]

Hi All.
Great to be here.
Not an expert on any of the subjects discussed here but I think the best thing I can do to avoid you asking tons of questions about my question is to give as much info as I can first.

This is about a 20 year old male.
Parents divorced.
Lives with both parents they split a schedule. 50/50.

I have read about Aspergers for two over years to help me understand what is going on with the 20 year old and (not an official diagnosis, my observations), on every web page, every forum, reading what the leading doctors in the field say about Aspergers,,,,this 20 year old has it.

I have read about Narcissism/Little prince syndrome for over two years to help me understand what is going on with the 20 year old and (not an official diagnosis, my observations), on every web page, every forum, reading what the leading doctors in the field say about Narcissism/Little prince syndrome,,,,this 20 year old has it.

Keeping the above facts in mind, I have never found anything on the net about the following behaviour.

This 20 year old male who is 5 ft 10 200 pounds still has physical contact with his mother that IMO would appear normal if this young man was 5.
He regularly climbs on top of his mother, put his face in her neck and in a baby like voice says I love you mommy. If she is in bed he climbs on top of her (in a way that one expects lovers would do) put his leg over her, puts his face in her neck and makes whimpering baby like noises. If she is working i the kitchen he comes up behind her put his hands around her waist and sways back and forth, the way one would expect watching lovers dance. He constantly rubs his face in her neck. There are times when if her housecoat is slightly open he touchers her thighs in a way one would expect lovers to do.

I think I have said enough about his behaviours. I will add that there have been times when friends or neighbours or family members are visiting, witness these behaviours and literally look shocked, freaked out, puzzled. One girl who this young man is friends with (platonic) came over once for dinner and to spend some after dinner time hanging out. About 30 minutes into her visit he climbed on top of his mom on a chair, snuggled her like infants do, in a baby like voice said, mommy what time is dinner,,,,,,,, his platonic friend's jaw dropped, she looked at her phone, said oops, something came up and I have to go, and darted out of the house, and yes,,,,never returned since.

FYI This 20 year old man shows zero interest in dating whatsoever and has very few if any, real friends.

SO!!! Regardless of the fact that his mother either believes this behaviour to be normal, or finds it abnormal and just goes along with it, she says nothing about it.

I am the new man (as it were) in her life. As I said. I don't jump to conclusions about things and blurt out thoughts or comments. I read. Study. Try to find out what the pros say about behaviours.

AGAIN. I have read tons about autism/aspergers, child behaviour, and little prince syndrome and have NEVER found anything on the net about this (what appears to be,,,IMO) very odd behaviour for a full grown 20 year old man.

Any thoughts will be much appreciated (or websites that discuss such things.

Thank You

[sarahsweets]

My jaw just dropped. I do not know what to say. My gut reaction is this isnt healthy. Have you asked your wife how she feels about it?

Definitely not normal. This man and his mother should seek help from someone in real life. I am surprised why the mother encourages this behavior by accepting it and not doing anything about it. Were you aware of this before becoming involved in a relationship with the mother, and have you talked about it? Has this man been diagnosed with anything officially?

[WishfulThinker66]

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! This is absolutely repulsive. I have a step niece who similarly shows rather shockingly 'intimate' behaviour with her mother - but she is only 17 - which I find disgustingly and uncomfortably inappropriate. I watch her too climb upon her mother and nuzzle her chest as though she were a toddler. It is inappropriate and very off-putting - especially when this goes on for hours. How does my sister-in-law allow this to happen, especially in public (and if the girl will behave this way in public how does she behave privately). Just gross. I can't imagine seeing a boy do this with his mother.

Does this woman encourage it? What is her own reaction to this? Does she welcome it or merely put up with it?

I agree with you that there is something not right here but I would not point to narcissism or aspergers. This goes deep. Perhaps there has been an event precipitating this behaviour.

In the case of my step-niece she does have mental health issues causing very significant delusions (she once tried to jump off a bridge at age 14). What the diagnosis is I do not know but I view the weirdly uncomfortably inappropriate behaviour as an instinctual safety response. The girl obviously finds such behavior emotionally comforting. I don't think it is about wanting physical contact at all rather a craving for a safe place.

Does any of this remind you of the situation you describe?

[QUOTE=Audioengineer75;6383766]

Hello Audioengineer. If you really think the 20 year old is living with full blown Aspergers, then unusual behaviors are not that surprising. Yes, these interactions do not sound like the healthiest dynamic for mother and adult son but when understanding behaviors, I find it it helpful to come from a place of investigation rather than judgment. He may be constantly seeking sensory input (just not in a socially acceptable manner). Folks living on the spectrum often struggle with sensory dysregulation. Rubbing his face on her neck may be his way of meeting a sensory need. I am wondering if it''s a case that he had these needs and ways of managing them in childhood and, if truly on the spectrum, needed professional help to learn more socially appropriate alternatives but never received them. Perhaps his mother didn't know how to respond so she indulged him and here he is all these years later doing the same things. There are occupational therapists who specialize in sensory integration. From behaviorism we know that trying to just eliminate a behavior is usually not effective. Instead, the goal is to replace problematic behaviors with more acceptable alternatives. The ABC model is a useful place to start. What is the antecedent (trigger) for the behavior? A sensory need? Attention? Something else? What is the specific behavior? What is the consequence of the behavior, if any? The ABC log helps to ID patterns of behavior in order to develop solutions for replacement.

I am confused because you said you are sure the 20 yo has ASD (how can you be sure unless you are a trained medical professional with experience of behavior disorders?) and then also "diagnosed" him with narcissism. It is not reasonable to class folks living on the spectrum as "narcissists" because they truly struggle since early childhood with theory of mind. And they often have language, sensory, or intellectual problems. They are not "spoiled" or "selfish." If he is truly living on the spectrum, then his mother probably had no idea how to deal with that...most folks don't unless they have support from professionals. It is not a disorder which can be cured or magicked away by tough love. I don't know what you read about ASD but odd behaviors are very common. Though I obviously have no idea if that's what's actually going on in the 20 yo's case or if it's an attachment disorder or MR or something else.

You also seem to be implying that the mother is incestuous with her son. If you really believe that, I'm not sure why you want to date this woman?

Are you hoping to address these concerns with the mother from a place of care and regard...in order to continue the relationship or are you seeking justification for ending the relationship?

Where to start? Well the son could be referred to a behavior specialist by his MD but that depends on whether he'd be willing to go and if his mother is open to that?

[amandalouise]

Im sorry but we can not tell you what is going on with this 20 year old son in law of yours.

(since you are new please seeing disclaimer at the bottom of the page )

you call this 20 yr old your son in law... a son in law is a guy who is married to a persons own daughter or son. what does your daughter or son that is married to this 20 year old in question... you see what ever happens with the son in law is now between the daughter/son that is married to this man and this man their selves. it is them that needs to work out what to do about this situation.....

that said some questions for you...

you have actually witnessed your ......son in law and his mother........ in bed together? your son in law climbing onto his mothers lap, nuzzling her neck, talking like a baby?

or are you getting this information second hand?

this makes a big difference on whether a person is witnessing something their self and whether they are getting the story from other people and what the context of the conversation is when getting a he said she said story about someone.

my opinion is that if ............I......... witnessed this behavior I would question why I was in someone elses bedroom watching my daughter / sons husband climb all over the husbands mother.

I wouldnt normally be in someone elses bedroom watching this kind of thing but if it happened that for some odd reason I was, I would call the police.

you see if this 20 yr old son in law is mentally or physically challenged and this mother was allowing an incestuous relationship behaviors thats a crime.........here where I am..........

incestuous relationships are when family members act, behave in sexual ways with each other... mother child (no matter the age of the child), father child (no matter the age of the child) , sibling and sibling (ages dont matter),

here in the USA it is illegal for people to have incestuous relationships. that is why if I witnessed such behavior I would make a report and let the police do their investigation, if there are special circumstances the police would be the ones who know what is best for this family.

If I was getting this story of what happens from my daughter or son that is married to this 20 yr old. I would ask my daughter or son what they want to do about their husband acting like this. Then I would leave it in their hands (the married couple) to work out their marital problems. Im just not one to get into a he said she said battle with what my relatives husbands and wifes do. I leave it up to them to work their problems out.

for you, my suggestion is if this continues to bother you contact your police department who can investigate whether your daughters husband is mentally challenged and why his mother is allowing him to have an incestuous relationship with her. and contact a mental health treatment provider who can help you in working out how this is affecting you.

[healingme4me]

I'd encourage boundaries, personal space and a specialist trained in neurological disorders.

[AceRimmer]

Originally Posted by Audioengineer75

I have read about Aspergers for two over years to help me understand what is going on with the 20 year old

You have been putting up with this for 2 years? Have you told the woman that this behavior is not healthy?

[WishfulThinker66]

Some great points here. I encourage intervening on your part. Otherwise, ignoring doing so is only going to cause you to fret even more. In the example I gave of my step niece's own inappropriate behaviour I have made some attempts to call into question her own questionable behaviour, "How is therapy going? Have things improved? I notice she is clingy - what does the therapis/psychiatrist say about that? Is there anything to be done?" Yes, I realise this is passive aggressive but it is about all I can manage. It at least is broaching the subject.

Meanwhile, at our family Christmas dinner, my son-in-law (my hero several times over that night) came right out and said something. "How about you stop clinging to your mother's chest and help us out here?" Yay!