Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

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Originally Posted by missbella Sarah, frankly, I dislike much of the advice-giving on these boards. What what one person might call direct and blunt another person might receive as presumptuous and condescending. I dislike labeling, prescription, and invalidation. Not infrequently I feel a scornful, sanctimonious undertones in deliveries here.

How do you feel when someone asks for advice?

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I think advice should be delivered extremely sparingly, if at all. Instead one can talk modestly about one has met a parallel challenge. When someone "needs" to give advice, like the urge to scratch an itch, it probably shouldn't be delivered. We're guests in each other's backyards; and I think feedback should be an authentic, respectful gift for the recipient. Most people change slowly at best, and I never found labels, accusations and scorn helpful no matter how Dr. Phil operates.

I do agree with this.

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I assume recovery community members have occasions when blunt, straight talk is apt. I assume these are specific "contracts" the recovery community has to support each other in immediate, specific situations. It's a specific culture with specific challenges and emergencies. I'm in the arts, and colleagues have specific ways to explore work. I conjecture our communication is quite different than in the recovery community. However, we still might have a gentle "honesty" that would be poorly received elsewhere in the world.

I am not one of those "straight talkers" with recovery. NO amount of bullying IME has ever made someone get sober. Even interventions that are so popular seem to have the potential to backfire. I try to be sensitive to others in that sense and remember that I was there too.

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When someone has been habitually unpleasant with me, I don't give them feedback. I try to offer it only to people I like for the right reasons, not as a weapon.

Well then I really appreciate your feedback with this.

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If by chance you did miscalculate with someone, that's a universal event. No one walks through life with a perfect communication record. It doesn't make you awful. In general though, I think it good to think about the receiver before offering "blunt," "straight" assessments of them or their actions. No one is an ultimate truth-teller, so I think advice, if given at all, should be delivered with great humbleness and grace.

Yes another member did give me this advice. I am working on validating people and saying compassionate things.

Hi Sarahsweets,

I also tend to take what other people do or say very personal. Perhaps too personal, to the point that I start to ruminate over it in an unproductive, self-depreciating way. After my first hot flash of hurt I now try to go back and examine my feelings from all possible angles. Have I been reading too much into someone else's intention? Were their actions reflective of something I did or said or were they saying as much, if not more, about their own current state of mind? A lot of times I figured it was the latter. And if not I keep telling myself that I am not perfect, don't have to be since no one is. All that I can do is reflect on it. If I still feel that I would/should have rather behaved differently in this situation I will try to do so next time. Then I move on. There's always someone who chooses not to engage.

Warm wishes,
Gabe

I know I can't resolve anyone else's problems for her. The most I can offer is camaraderie, particularly if I've had a parallel experience, compassion, my discoveries, and perhaps an idea or two ideas to expand her own problem-solving.

I do my best to stay away from imparting self-importance, authoritarianism, accountability to me, "shoulds," command verbs, instructions, contempt, omniscience, or any suggestion she's floundering while I'm True North. I have a dim view of those who eagerly rush like the fire brigade to offer any and everyone imperious instruction. I personally chafe at "straight talk" which to me has overtones of dominance and contempt.

I believe someone asking for advice is not always as she appears. Sometimes she's dealing with a dilemma with no good outcome. Sometimes she's overwhelmed with challenges from different directions. Sometimes she really wants confirmation of what she already knows.

A few times though I have asked advice from someone I knew who'd stop me from a unwise impulse. The trouble is, we don't know people here.
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I think the self-examination is whether the advice is truly for the other person or whether to make me feel important.

We each have our own journeys as models. I recall moments of receiving the right observation at the right time. My real life friends often satirize my harassers along with me or diffuse a situation with humor. That can be imparted with a sigh or giggle and difficult to do online.

Sorry that you are going through this. I agree that Ignore is about the person using ignore. I have a handful or so on mine. It can be self preservation in a way to not have ire spiked resulting in tulmutous interactions. It can be from not feeling safe that the individual's account hasn't been compromised, it can be because there's a history of being harrassed or on and on.

I haven't interacted with the members that "ignore" me, I assume my therapy experiences provoke them. I much rather have them ignore my posts than lash out, though I've received that too.

I think you’re very honest and sincere. I always appreciate your perspective. Most of the time I agree with you and sometimes I don’t. I value a range of opinions and ideas so I always value that you will speak your mind. We can’t please everybody. I understand how you feel though and why you posted this question. Sometimes I find out that somebody I really liked doesn’t like me and it feels bad to me. We just have to remind ourselves that people just don’t always mesh well.

I dont know if youre an awful person, but after reading missbellas post, im afraid i am! Im almost afraid to post again! But no such luck. Yes, i recently did give advice and information, so shoot me. I cant work with all those "don't's", so i will just try to follow dr johns do - be supportive.

As Mark Twain said: "What others think of me is none of my business."

I know it hurts to think that someone has a negative view of you, but as stated, there are many reasons they might ignore you. A lot of people can only relate in negative terms and a cheerful, positive person is irritating to them.

You might be a horrible person, but all we know of you is what you post on here, so if you are you hide it well lol

Keep being you!

But...but...my post was all about NOT telling others what to do. No command verb was harmed in the posting of my post.

I try to follow the advice “be supportive”

And to “know myself” - that can be harder for many at times I think, especially if triggered (I also think it’s possible that some people online as well as in real life, have been known to use someone’s triggers or perceived “weaknesses” against them.

I know the truth about me and many here, we genuinely try to be supportive. Being human, we are not perfect

Hugs to all

I want to thank you all for you feedback. I really value the understanding and constructive criticism. It helps to me to grow. I very much want to fall in line with the flow of this place and I want to do my best to exercise compassion and empathy. I am def better at that in real life but I am a work in progress...

I have been here at PC for 14 1/2 years. I try to express my thoughts as diplomatically as possible.....BUT some just don't care for any response that differs from their way of thinking. Have been put on ignore several times because of that (I must have been they didn't like my points of view) For that I have no apologies. It is their issue.

Like Jimi.....I wish it was obvious so I woukdn't waste time writing out a reply only to find out they have me on ignore. When that happens I immediately put them on ignore so I don't forget & try to reply again.

I have also put people on ignore when they do multiples if threads that are always thebsame topics. If I have replied once my reply is not going to be different the next time. The ignore keeps me from forgetting that this is what they do.

I personally like hearing different points of view so I don't use ignore for that reason. Nothing really triggers me....except the wasting time responding only to have it not posted because they have me on ignore.

I have learned not to take the ignore personally.

I think you’re honest and sincere. Some people don’t like that. It’s their problem. I’ve occasionally been “hated” for my honesty although I try not to be harsh it’s not my problem

You are NOT an awful person

Fuzzy......c'mon. You don't suck (other thread) and you're not awful.

Sarahsweets you aren't a terrible person at all; you aren't at all bad in the explicit or implicit sense! I'm not just saying that either. When I've read your replies to both my own threads and others you have participated in, the direct yet personable truth is often just what I need to keep going through my rat race life. This thread helps me as well because our society in many senses is often very centered around walking on eggshells to make our point, or replacing the truth with power games or just flat out lying. In the same vain we are also guilty of polarizing between honesty or 100% reliance on others' cues. But in reality there's both people who are shy to speak their minds (or in your case, whose egos can't take it) and those who aren't afraid of honesty, so there's different strokes for different folks as sung by Sly Stone in "Everyday People". It's definitely not you at all. When I find other people like you who crave both honesty and the same characteristic from others it gives me and perhaps many others the chance to break out of their shell as well!

A wise therapist once told me that, if you are asking yourself this question, you are not a terrible person. Terrible people usually aren't introspective enough to even ask themselves questions like this one. I know this is simplistic and sounds like psychobabble, but it's helped me many times in the past.

Generally speaking, people who care enough about whether they are bad people or not to the point of asking others generally are not bad people. At worst, you may have made a mistake in the past (not that I've seen, mind) but this shows that you're a type of person who is willing to make amends and work on flaws. That's pretty much the opposite of a bad person.

Yes. You are an awe ful person.

Can you provide an example of what you call direct and blunt?

In my experiences, I have found that most people are mentally fragile. The last thing I want to do is add to that. I work to figure out how to word what I want to say so they are receptive of what I am saying. Not that I expect them to follow it, but maybe, they will think about what I have said.

Some people I have known over the years who were just rude and uncaring, also had no respect for who they were talking to. They did not care if they hurt someone or not.

Sarah, I am not saying you do this. I am expressing my in person experiences with the topic you brought up.

You're not an awful person. You're learning. You make mistakes. OMG, you're a gosh darn human!

I've been put on ignore by so many people and had so many people on ignore in the past. Even people I'm "friends" with (as friends as you can be on an anonymous forum). Sometimes my disorder is winning and I mistrust everyone and am offended by everyone. Sometimes you couldn't hurt me if you hit me with a brick.

The only thing I wish was that we could know before we spend an hour crafting a thoughtful, heartfelt reply to someone we'd like to help...and then get the "you can't respond you're on ignore" screen. I'm more irritated that I spent all this time thinking about their situation and some supportive feedback than that they actually don't want my message. Oh well.

Definitely some of the things you've posted have hit a nerve with me, but that's because of ME, not you. And when someone puts me on ignore, I know it's about them and not me. Some people just don't mesh well.

What has helped me not take it personally is to remember that at times I've needed to block people too, to give myself some space. And that was about me, not them. So I know too that if someone blocks me, then it's about them, and what they need for themselves, not me and what I need. So maybe next time you see you're "ignored" try to remember that it's about what they need for themselves, and not about you, and that will help you not take it personally.

However, it's also not wrong to take it personally. It hurts to have a door slammed in your face, even under the circumstances we're describing. So it's okay to say "it hurts my feelings a bit, but I understand, and I will recover." You don't have to deny that it makes you feel bad. It's sort of natural that initially you might feel hurt, then that feeling would hopefully fade.

Hope this helps. There is no right or wrong. There is just what is.

Seesaw

I have a short block list. I use it for my own mental health if I notice i am starting to get triggered by another person. This is usually because i feel that the person had been intentionally or unintentionally criticizing me or if I feel like they are an argumentative person.

I think most forums nowadays have a way for users to block other, specific, users and still be able to participate in the forum. One thing I don't like on PC is you still see the thread titles of users you have blocked, even though the posts themselves were blocked.
If I'm going to block someone I would prefer not even to see that their threads exist. I wish there were the option to hide threads completely.

I think if a person is getting a lot of people blocking them then they might want to consider what they are doing to contribute to that, so if that is the case for the OP, it is good to be looking at it.

I am also in a 12 step program and understand about making amends, but it is only if it weren't going to harm the other person. Otherwise it is just crossing boundaries again.

I post when I feel I have something to offer. I don't offer warm fuzzy stuff. I offer direct answers. that is my style..in life, in posts, etc. my career as well. my job trained me to find a solution to problems.

I've been blocked.
the thing I don't like is that everyone gets upset and complains and then when you want to write a response to defend yourself, you can't because you are blocked., so people trash you but you can't say anything...so if someone felt upset by what I said, (and that was so not my intention), then it is ok for everyone to crap on me without me being able to comment back on it.

so while the "blocking" intention is good the technical aspect of it sucks.

i thinknpeople need to realize that different people post different ways. everyone takes supportive in a different manner.