[Bat_Orchid90]

I have basically no sex drive ... my partner is very attracted to me and I feel bad for turning him down.. I will occasionally give in and have sex just so he can be happy... I don’t find sex enjoyable.. i dont get that rush that others do, and I honestly could go about my days without it.. but I don’t want it to tear our relationship apart... i have no idea what to do..

[bpcyclist]

I have been through this with someone before. Have you thought about seeing a healthcare provider about it? Are you on an SSRI? They can def lower drive. As can other meds. As can other endocrine problems and physical health issues. As can a history of abuse or current relationship issues. There's a bunch of potential causes.

In my experience, sexual problems in the relationship often lead to bigger problems. So, if the relationship is important to you, you might want to look into this a bit more proactively. It is not unheard of for partners (of either sex) to become impatient after awhile and they may seek to meet their needs in ways that are not helpful to the relationship. Best of luck to you!!

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I have been through this with someone before. Have you thought about seeing a healthcare provider about it? Are you on an SSRI? They can def lower drive. As can other meds. As can other endocrine problems and physical health issues. As can a history of abuse or current relationship issues. There's a bunch of potential causes.


In my experience, sexual problems in the relationship often lead to bigger problems. So, if the relationship is important to you, you might want to look into this a bit more proactively. It is not unheard of for partners (of either sex) to become impatient after awhile and they may seek to meet their needs in ways that are not helpful to the relationship. Best of luck to you!!

I’m not on medication... i just never had a desire for it:/... idk what’s wrong with me but I’ve seen my dr and psychs but idk.. nothing..

pandabear, are you 100% you are just not into sex at all, or could there be a smidgen of a chance that though you really care for your partner, that they just don't spark the desire in you. Could there be anyone else out there that might spark that desire? Do you ever fantasize about anyone else, sexually or at least romantically? If you ever do, then maybe your partner is more a platonic type partner and not a romantic one. If there is real romantic attraction, very often sexual desire eventually comes with it, unless you have a real issue with sex. Either way, you may want to talk about this topic with a therapist. Don't be afraid to, if you haven't already. Therapists are used to talking about sex issues.

Psychiatrists could be people to talk about sex issues to, but they tend to concentrate on a slightly different aspect of the issue than many therapists might. I tend to feel that talking about sex issues is easier with a mental health professional of the same sex, and possibly of the approximate same age, but I guess that can vary by person and mental health professional.

Could you be asexual? No shame in that at all.

Have you talked to your bf about how you feel?

[bpcyclist]

Are you possibly attracted to the same sex?

[sarahsweets]

I think sex is very important. If someone has a relatively regular sex life and goes through a dry spell I can see how having sex even when not necessarily in the mood could preserve a relationship. However if you were never into sex I do not know how that would play into it. There have been times that I wasnt feeling it but once it started I was fine. I do not believe anyone should have to have sex but if its a part of the relationship normally and suddenly becomes a problem then I think someone should see if there is a health problem responsible for it. OP has it always been this way?

[Iloivar]

Is your feelings towards sex indifferent? Or perhaps of a more negative nature such as disgust? Do you dread these sexual encounters? Can you keep going on doing this? Im asking, because i actually don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing, as long as making them happy makes you happy, or at the very least you don't think of it as too much a sacrifice on your part.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yes, I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH ALL AND EVERYTHING THAT ALL THE OTHER WISE AND WONDERFUL POSTERS HAVE ALREADY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I POSSIBLY EVER COULD IN MY WHOLE AND ENTIRE LIFE! Please do talk to your Therapist. They're there to help you! I think it's important for you to focus on your FEELINGS about sex in general... Do you just not like Sex in general or is it that you're just not attracted sexually to your Partner? BOTH options are ABSOLUTELY and COMPLETELY VALID, but I DO believe it is important for you to ask yourself those questions! Ask for help to a Therapist and even a Pdoc if you feel like there may be some problems with your Libido! Don't worry what you're going through IS PERFECTLY NORMAL SO PLEASE DON'T PANIC NO MATTER WHAT IT TURNS OUT TO BE AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK? You just need to explore it a little better so that you'll be aware of it and know if something needs to be done about it and hopefully you'll be able to talk to your Partner as well about ALL OF THIS! So yes, definitely talk to him and your Doctors about ALL OF THIS and see how it goes from there! I am here if you need advice and support of ANY KIND! THAT'S A PROMISE! I PROMISE YOU THAT! I AM SURE OF THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! I GUARANTEE YOU THAT! I am SURE plenty of others will be glad to help as well! I PROMISE YOU THAT! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE OF THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! I GUARANTEE YOU THAT! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH YOU, @pandabear0927, your Family, your Friends, your Therapist, your Pdoc, your Partner, your Kids, your Children, your Relatives, your Parents, your Family Members, your Cousins, your Uncles, your Grandfathers, your Grandmothers, ALL the people you Love and Care for WHO THEY TRULY ARE who ALSO Love You Back and Care about You for WHO YOU TRULY ARE BACK and ALL of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! PLEASE NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE NO MATTER WHAT IT TURNS OUT TO BE AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK? KEEP IT UP! BE PROUD OF YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT IT TURNS OUT TO BE WHAT HAPPENS, OK? BE KIND TO YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT IT TURNS OUT TO BE AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?

[divine1966]

Is it age related? When I hit menopause it went downhill for me. My husband though would have it daily if I was up to it, we are same age, in our 50s

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Is it age related? When I hit menopause it went downhill for me. My husband though would have it daily if I was up to it, we are same age, in our 50s

Nope I’m in my mid 20’s

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by Iloivar

Is your feelings towards sex indifferent? Or perhaps of a more negative nature such as disgust? Do you dread these sexual encounters? Can you keep going on doing this? Im asking, because i actually don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing, as long as making them happy makes you happy, or at the very least you don't think of it as too much a sacrifice on your part.

It’s kinda all of the above:/... i honestly could go the rest of my life without it.. and to i guess the “average” person that sounds insane.. idk I don’t really have that attraction? Is that weird to say.. I never have:/ not to partners.. not to even a celebrity... not to a stranger on the street... idk i can say someone IS attractive/goodlooking but I don’t FEEL aroused if that makes sense. Not sure if that can be checked through bloodwork? Or if some people can just be actually Asexual... but any physical and tests I’ve got done all come back normal... it’s just that i know it isn’t.. it’s perfectly fine with me.. but i also dont want to end up alone because i dont connect with someone physically like that... so i give into my partner:/... idk it’s easy to feel out of place in a world where sex is a big part of culture.. it sells products, it’s in every other song on the radio.. it’s how many people fall in love in the first place and I’m hust kinda like eh whatever..

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think sex is very important. If someone has a relatively regular sex life and goes through a dry spell I can see how having sex even when not necessarily in the mood could preserve a relationship. However if you were never into sex I do not know how that would play into it. There have been times that I wasnt feeling it but once it started I was fine. I do not believe anyone should have to have sex but if its a part of the relationship normally and suddenly becomes a problem then I think someone should see if there is a health problem responsible for it. OP has it always been this way?

Always been this way:/.... idk maybe I’m just defective...

[SirHabit]

Originally Posted by pandabear0927

.. but I don’t want it to tear our relationship apart... i have no idea what to do..

To have a healthy relationship, you definitely need counseling to sort out all the issues, and it will take time. It's not critical that you change your sex drive but it is critical that you change your relationship to make it work between you two.

[Iloivar]

Originally Posted by pandabear0927

It’s kinda all of the above:/... i honestly could go the rest of my life without it.. and to i guess the “average” person that sounds insane.. idk I don’t really have that attraction? Is that weird to say.. I never have:/ not to partners.. not to even a celebrity... not to a stranger on the street... idk i can say someone IS attractive/goodlooking but I don’t FEEL aroused if that makes sense. Not sure if that can be checked through bloodwork? Or if some people can just be actually Asexual... but any physical and tests I’ve got done all come back normal... it’s just that i know it isn’t.. it’s perfectly fine with me.. but i also dont want to end up alone because i dont connect with someone physically like that... so i give into my partner:/... idk it’s easy to feel out of place in a world where sex is a big part of culture.. it sells products, it’s in every other song on the radio.. it’s how many people fall in love in the first place and I’m hust kinda like eh whatever..

Are they aware of your asexuality? If not, I think it would be a good idea to tell him. Yes, you could risk losing them. But if this keeps going on you might end up feeling resentment. They might eventually notice that if they haven't already, and may develop some negative feelings towards the situation as well. The higher the sex drive, the worse the resentment I would imagine.

If they do, I still think it would be in your best interest to have an honest discussion about this if you haven't already, and see where it goes from there. If you two have discussed it, what have they said on the matter?

How often do you two have intercourse? Maybe the number of times can be reduced to make it more tolerable for you? If even having sex at all will eventually become a deal breaker for you, it will be up to your partner if he is able to completely remove that aspect of his life with you and just resort to self pleasure.. That is a difficult thing to do with a person that has a regular sex drive.

Honestly, it comes down to whether either of you are willing to sacrifice for the other without it affecting the whole relationship. If it does, it's really no ones fault. To my knowledge, ones sex drive can't be changed.

Though there is one suggestion that may be "off the wall". It just came to mind, but what if they were to receive sexual intercourse elsewhere? But would still be romantically involved with you? Now i can't say i've ever heard of any arrangements of the sort irl or online, but I do have somewhat a familiarity with polyamory since I have family members that identify as such. I imagine the dynamic would be much the same, twice the communication to that of a regular relationship. From what i've gathered about my family members polyamory, they discussed at length about their insecurities, feelings that would arise, and would do the best they could to work towards those issues. It just required everyone being candid and setting boundaries and such. It's a load of work.

If this relationship ever ends because of the sexual aspect, don't lose hope of finding someone. While asexuals may be a small percentage of the population, that is really still a lot of people. You could try dating apps stating your sexual preference, which would be none at all. With time I think you could find someone with effort, even I came across a few asexuals when I browsed dating apps, even though that wasn't what I was looking for.

[SpenceGettingBi]

Originally Posted by pandabear0927

It’s kinda all of the above:/... i honestly could go the rest of my life without it.. and to i guess the “average” person that sounds insane.. idk I don’t really have that attraction? Is that weird to say.. I never have:/ not to partners.. not to even a celebrity... not to a stranger on the street... idk i can say someone IS attractive/goodlooking but I don’t FEEL aroused if that makes sense. Not sure if that can be checked through bloodwork? Or if some people can just be actually Asexual... but any physical and tests I’ve got done all come back normal... it’s just that i know it isn’t.. it’s perfectly fine with me.. but i also dont want to end up alone because i dont connect with someone physically like that... so i give into my partner:/... idk it’s easy to feel out of place in a world where sex is a big part of culture.. it sells products, it’s in every other song on the radio.. it’s how many people fall in love in the first place and I’m hust kinda like eh whatever..

You sound just like me a few years ago! You're not defective and the chances of something being medically wrong with you are very low. Some people are asexual. Some people are aromatic as well, which means that you just don't have romantic feelings for people. You can be both, just one, or neither. It's really okay. Asexuality isn't something that can be checked for bloodwork or any doctor, just like you can't medically test for heterosexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, or aromanticism.

A lot of times, people associate sex and relationships and love as all being wrapped up into one, and that's completely okay. But... not everyone is wired like that. Romantic love can exist without sex coming into the picture at all, just like sex between two people can exist without love. But.. it is tough living in a sex-centric society when you're asexual. I totally get it. I'm asexual. It took a long time for me to accept that, but I am, and there's nothing unnatural or wrong about it, just like any other sexual orientation. It's completely normal, and I'm kind of happy to be this way.

There are so, so many ways to have a relationship, and my bets are that you won't end up being alone in the end after all. My best advice is to have an honest heart to heart with your partner to work this out. It might end things, it might not. That's up to you guys. Some asexuals engage in sexual activity with their partners, and some don't. Whatever feels best for you is valid. Maybe you can look into asexuality resources online and read more on the topic? There's also plenty of forums, online groups, etc dedicated to asexuality. I think you'll find that not only is there an expansive asexual community, but we come in all kinds of different flavors.

You're absolutely not alone in this, and you're welcome to PM me too

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by pandabear0927

I have basically no sex drive ... my partner is very attracted to me and I feel bad for turning him down.. I will occasionally give in and have sex just so he can be happy... I don’t find sex enjoyable.. i dont get that rush that others do, and I honestly could go about my days without it.. but I don’t want it to tear our relationship apart... i have no idea what to do..

I'm sorry to hear that!

[nicoleflynn]

At 73, my libido is the same as when I was 20!