[Jaclyn125]

I feel bad for asking this but was my family dysfunctional when I was a kid or am I just being ungrateful or crazy here?

- There were not many “rules” and there was discipline but it was also just kind of, if my brother or I misbehaved then we were bad kids and it was mom and dad vs the kids and a lot of contempt, disdain, disgust, anger, drama, threats, put downs etc. If we behaved then everything was alright.
- There was constant teasing but I’m not sure if it was just joking or putting down. My brother seems to have grown to be in on the joke, he plays along with it now.
- If Mum wasn’t happy, no one was happy and it was everyone else’s fault. Mum was generally a very emotional, angry and dominating person, still is but back then stress was even higher I suppose.
- I remember crying for no good reason and other adults would show concern, yet I would know, if my mum told them why I was really crying they would be disgusted with me just like she was, they wouldn’t sympathise or be on my side at all, they would be on hers.
- My dad used to say that when kids cry they’re trying to make you give them what they want and that you just have to stand your ground and not let them walk over you. Which I guess is true but sometimes not I think?
- I remember fantasising that I would grow up resentful and sad because of them and then they would see how much they hurt me and then they would be sorry.
- I remember my mother left at one point and my dad told me that my brother and I drove her away and that she’s abandoned us, then she came back but she wouldn’t look at me or talk to me.
- I remember one time they dragged my brother out of the car and made him stand on the side of the road threatening to drive off and leave him there, making both of us grovel for forgiveness for misbehaving on a family trip.
- Family trips I remember were ****ing nightmares a lot of the time I think.
- I can’t stand seeing or hearing my family members to this day, can’t stand their voices, faces, footsteps etc. It makes me feel so shameful, makes me feel lower than the **** of the earth honestly. Nothing is more painful than the shame I have that is associated with them.

I’m sure there’s other stuff that I’ve forgotten about but is this stuff normal? My brother and I were genuinely bad kids a lot of the time and I know that there were happy times when we were kids too, when everyone calmed down and we behaved. I know that my parents loved us as well and my brother and I loved each other. Nowadays my family talks to each other, jokes with each other etc and are normal. So, I think I must be the crazy one here. Or the ungrateful one. I think maybe when we were young, the family was stressed and highly emotional but not dysfunctional, I must just be exaggerating it.

[annoyedgrunt84]

It’s hard to say, nearly all families have some disfunction. Difficulties with communication and balancing the needs of various family members is difficult it’s hard for someone to not end up feeling like they weren’t getting enough attention. Kids are trying on just about everyone’s patience at times and yet parents are the adults and should keep in mind that they have to regulate their own emotions while teaching their kids to do the same, which sounds easy if you say it fast. I guess what I’m trying to say is nearly anyone could find something from their childhood that has left a little bit of trauma, and yet still feels a genuine love for parents and siblings.

[Thunder Bow]

Your family is dysfunctional. Much crazy stuff going on.

[Medusax]

We had tons of rules, were always in the wrong (me more than my sister), and put downs were blatant. We never went on a whole family vacation. Thank goodness because it was not fun with only ONE parent I can't imagine both.

[mote.of.soul]

I'm pretty horrified and sorry those things happened to you guys as children @Jaclyn125. Children shouldn't be shamed and verbally abused, neglected, humiliated and blamed for their parents failings, just to name a few things I picked up on from your post. And I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do towards your family - it comes from the years of hurt growing up. Yes, your family was dysfunctional as far as I'm concerned.

And welcome to PC, as well.👋