[AkAngel]

I belong to a support group for those with loved ones in prison and a few days ago a woman came in with a question that has cost me some sleep. I feel so much sorrow for her but it is so big that I don't know what to say. I try to describe my own feelings about it - even to myself and I can't wrap my head around it. I imagine myself in her spot and...forget it, I just snap.

Her fiance went to prison three years ago and she has faithfully waited for him. They both write each other every day and talk once a week. A couple of weeks ago she missed a day without getting a letter from him; it happens, the mail sometimes works funny. No mail the next day either...or the next. Two weeks without a letter and she's starting to panic. She considers that maybe he got transfered and he's in intake at another prison and can't write yet. So, she goes to the department of corrections website to their 'inmate locator', puts in his name and checks for his status.

I don't know if she really didn't know what the word meant or if she is in shock and simply can't process it but she comes to us and asks, "What does deceased mean?" I can't even imagine finding out something like that - that way. I've bounced back from some stuff in life but I can't even imagine bouncing back from that.

[pachyderm]

I feel the need to know how it happened.

[Evening]

Holy crap...

[la doctora]

That's terrible and I understand your feelings about it. I feel so sorry for the poor woman too. Did your group have to tell her and then be with her during her reaction? I just can't imagine...

[perpetuallysad]

Oh my. That's just horrific. What a cold and terrible way to find out something so hard.

[KathyM]

It's hard to believe she didn't know what the word meant or didn't have access to a dictionary, so it's my guess she was in shock - maybe hoping the word meant something else in this case.

That poor woman. What a horrible way to find out your loved one has died. I'm with pachyderm - I would want to know exactly what happened to cause his death.

She was never told? That's downright terrible!
How is she these days? Have you talked to her recently?

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by opaquemind0

She was never told? That's downright terrible!
How is she these days? Have you talked to her recently?

She has holed up and is doing understandably poorly from what I have been told. We have a friend in the group that has been able to spend some supportive time with her and has kept us updated. I'm still haunted by the idea; I still can't imagine the shock.

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by la doctora

That's terrible and I understand your feelings about it. I feel so sorry for the poor woman too. Did your group have to tell her and then be with her during her reaction? I just can't imagine...

It's an online support group so there is only so much you can 'be there' but it is still helpful, alot like PC. Anyway, there is a woman who lives close enough to have gone and checked on her and spent some time with her in person... I'm with you, I can't imagine either.

I have a son in prison and sometimes we don't hear from him for two weeks or so and it really does send you silently mad. You pray that nothing has happened to him or that he has been moved as you said in your post or that he is ill or ran out of money so cant phone ! Anything rather than that he is hurt or worse dead.

My heart goes out to you and her .

May she find peace.

[lynn P.]

That's so very sad this happened to him and how shocking for this lady. Sorry this upset you so much.

[Junerain]

((((((((((((((((woman from the support group)))))))))))))



I feel for you deeply

[Indie'sOK]

Wow, that's awful I hope she finds peace somewhere in this situation Sounds like the support group is doing a good job in supporting her x

[Ygrec23]

AkAngel, do you know for certain that someone has made inquiries with the Department of Corrections (or whatever they call it there) as to the reasons for and circumstances surrounding the death? May anyone do so or does it have to be a "close relation?" Do they have to file a death certificate with the county (which would be a public record accessible to all), or are they somehow exempt from having to do that? Has anyone tried to get a copy of the death certificate or its equivalent? A death certificate of course has to contain the "cause of death," though this could have been messed with if it was to anyone's advantage to do so. Was the deceased known to be a violent guy? Did he have any chronic diseases? There are lots of things to ask about if you found someone to ask who would answer.

Take care.

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

AkAngel, do you know for certain that someone has made inquiries with the Department of Corrections (or whatever they call it there) as to the reasons for and circumstances surrounding the death? May anyone do so or does it have to be a "close relation?" Do they have to file a death certificate with the county (which would be a public record accessible to all), or are they somehow exempt from having to do that? Has anyone tried to get a copy of the death certificate or its equivalent? A death certificate of course has to contain the "cause of death," though this could have been messed with if it was to anyone's advantage to do so. Was the deceased known to be a violent guy? Did he have any chronic diseases? There are lots of things to ask about if you found someone to ask who would answer.

Take care.

She has certainly made inquiries, not much forthcoming at the moment. The only person who can get any information is the next of kin; she is his next of kin and he had signed a release form but they can't find the HIPAA form that he also signed and it's slowing down progress. I'm sure she'll get the death certificate but she's been dealing with the DOC for three years; she knows she can't trust the information listed on it.

His only health issue was that he is bipolar, but never violent. He was in for marjuana use...not something that usually bring out the violent in people. Anyway, the only thing she is hoping, and we are hoping for her, is that his cellie writes (through someone else) and she can find out that way.

[bluegirl...?]

that is just a terrible way to find out of a death i wouldnt even know how to think in her position...
((((((((((((((((((((((((the woman from support group)))))))))))))))))))))))))


did she ever find out what happened?

[Rhiannonsmoon]

How awful AK...I'm with pachy; did she learn how it happened? Not having closure of knowing how it happened would eat away at me...

This highlights the high importance of making sure the prison has an up to date file naming next of kin and people to be informed in case of an accident or death.

[El-ahrairah]

oh my god, I can't even imagine D: <3333333333333333

I hope she will be okay....

I was thinking:

If you think she wouldn't be uncomfortable with you having shared this info with us (anonymously of course, you didnt give anything identifying), you could certainly invite her join here and I am sure she would find WONDERFUL support.

This poor, dear woman.

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by Rainbowzz

I was thinking:

If you think she wouldn't be uncomfortable with you having shared this info with us (anonymously of course, you didnt give anything identifying), you could certainly invite her join here and I am sure she would find WONDERFUL support.

This poor, dear woman.

I hadn't thought of that - good idea. I'm not sure how she will respond to opening up to 'strangers' while it is so fresh, she may stick to the group she knows for now, but I will mention it - who knows, she may decline now and show up in a couple of months, you know? Thanks for the idea.

And to everyone else. She hasn't been around for a week or so... she's being by herself - I know, perhaps not the healthiest of choices but her choice nevertheless. The prison has given her an explanation but she is still waiting to hear from one of his friends. His cellmate apparently sent her a letter but she didn't get it and he is in the hole. All outgoing mail is subject to search but in this prison system it doesn't happen too often - but it is likely they checked all his outgoing mail. Finding out info is not hard, but it is very time consuming and requires patience and creativity.

I did tell her that I posted on another site and that she had lots of hugs and support here as well. I didn't think to give her the name but I will. Thanks for caring about a strangers suffering.

[lonegael]

Wish I could give her an arm around the shoulder and a few minutes of quiet companionship. Such a thing doesn't lend itself well to pat answers and pretty words, does it? Anyhow, AK, if you contact her you can let her know that we care and are fervently wishing her the bst and some answers to her lovedone's death. Peace to his memory and to her in her pain.

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by lonegael

Anyhow, AK, if you contact her you can let her know that we care and are fervently wishing her the bst and some answers to her lovedone's death. Peace to his memory and to her in her pain.

Absolutely I will and thank you (and all of you) for the kindness within the thread.

When my long-distance-internet bf/best friend dissapeared suddenly, knowing he had MH problems I knew he was probably in jail. I used this website to get support and help from knowledgeable people on how to deal:

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/

[Shangrala]

WHOA....

Reading this had immediately left a huge lump in my throat. That poor woman. I can't imagine the severe blow received by that nature, yet I realize that it can happen to me, or anyone else who has relations to a loved one in the system.

Many huggles to her. And kudos to you, AA.

Shangrala