I don't know why i am laughing, i should be scared

AJ flipped out again tonight, well actually it is today . He came home drunk and all was well because I had food ready so he could eat a snack. Actually it was to be for dinner tomorrow, but heck eat it whenever your hungry..

He wanted me to help him with his resume.. I said sure.. So I was cleaning up the dishes in the kitchen and he hollered something and I says YES I am ready, everything has to be "instant" with you... I said all I have to do is pull up what I was working on..... AND WELL HE WENT NUTS..

CALLED ME A BUNCH OF STUFF NOT IMPORTANT TO EVEN BE CONCERNED WHAT HE SAID.. SO HE PUNCHES THE WALL AND MAKE ANOTHER HOLE DOWNSTAIRS.. HE GOES TO PUNCH ANOTHER HOLE AND HE MUST OF HIT A STUD AND THAT PUNCH HURT HIS HAND.. I DID THE BEST I COULD TO NOT LAUGH BUT HE SAW ME AND HIT THE WALL AGAIN AND AGAIN HE HIT A STUD... HE DID MANAGE TO MAKE TO HOLES IN THE WALL. I THINK IN THE PROCESS HE MAY HAVE BROKEN HIS HAND OR SOMETHING CUZ HE IS YELEN UPSTAIRS..

I WAS TRYING TO CALL HIS DAD AND HE GRABBED MY CELL AND THREW IT OUTSIDE AND IT BROKE... SO I EMAILED HIS DAD .. AJ HAS TO GO... BY THE TIME AJ IS done DAMAGING THIS HOUSE THERE WILL BE NOTHING HERE ..

I don't know why I am laughing tho... I am not scared.. No phone.. I don't drive.. I can't stop laughing... weird huh?

DOn't w orry... everything is ok.... if i need to run i will. lol.... i just wrote this not to bash on aj.. Just saying I am laughing... shrugs shoulders

The upper case was an error... and i don't want to retype it.. lol

Radio, get out and to a neighbor, get somewhere safe. you can't stay there when he acts like that, there is no way he can keep comiing over to you when he is intoxicated and starts threatening you. That is dangerous! You can't show him you are callng either, dear. PLEase, Please be careful! You are probably laughing because you are under stress even though you are not feeling scared at the moment.
Please, dear Radio, be safe. HUGGGGGSSSSSSS!

He must of broke his hand because his fingers are all swollen... but why does he blame me. He said it is my fault that he isn't doing anything. That I am lazy bla bla bla fill in the blank with tons of cuss words.. Actually I cleaned the sunroom today getting it ready to paint... but that isn't important..

He said he has my genes and that he is lazy like me and he hates my guts.. He said he is afraid because I am afraid. Which is true, I had serious panic attacks for a long time and the last time I went to a store my hand shook so bad the money flew everywhere when I was trying to pay for the stuff I wanted, so I don't go out anymore.. But my panic attacks isn't his? I don't understand...why he blames me. I never said I was perfect. I am sorry he has my genes. I am so sorry.

rf, your situation with your son sounds intolerable. i do understand why he is angry with you though. you are and have enabled him horribly. you expect him to act like an adult but you treat him like a child. i don't intend to be mean with this post but my parents did the same to me. it really screws one up in the long run. yes, his life is his mess now and he has to fix it. get out of that house or kick him out and take care of yourself now. he won't grow up until he has to.

Unfortunately, I don't understand where I treat him as a child? His choice is to drink and I don't give him the money or the booze to do it with. But I can handle the blame. In life when things "suck" we always have to blame mama.. Even tho I can handle the blame, I will not be put on a guilt trip for the way AJ acts.

Funny tho, when things in my life "sucked" I never blamed mama or daddy.. I never blamed anyone other than "myself"..

I don't know exactly what AJ's problem is, I've tried encouraging him to see a therapist, but I can't make him do it...He needs help, and maybe the only way to help him is to have him put in the hospital, because he certainally won't get help on his own...

Maybe it is Is good to hate the parents as they are the ones that raise the kids. Maybe some folks just should not have kids..I just wish I had a drug and alcohol problem and was "man hungry". Just wish I had done awful things to justify AJ hating me.. Just wish I had more "fun" in my life than I guess spending it treating AJ like a child.. shrugs shoulders... what a bummer all around.......

Come to think of it, isn't that what therapy is about, we sit there and blame the parents and get pat on the back on how awful our parents are....??????

by giving him a house when he is basically unemployed, by moving in to fix it up, by cooking all his meals. you say he is what 28 years old? a 28-year old doesn't need his momma cooking him meals, fixing the house or giving him one. that is enabling. you are doing things for him he should be doing for himself. now, if he was working full-time and in school and had a kid on the way then yeah, reward his hard work and help him out. don't you see that by doing these things for him you are not letting him grow up and learn how to do them himself?

no, i'm not blaming you for his behavior. i'm trying to get you to see your behavior.

your son acts atrociously. that's obvious. he sounds like a violent alcoholic and who knows what else he is possibly on. he is responsible for his behavior but to think you have had no hand in shaping who he has become is quite hard to believe. do you really think parenting has no affect on a child? in no way am i saying it is all your fault but just from the several threads of yours i've read i see quite unhealthy behavior on your part which i've mentioned above.

i don't think you can "put him in a hospital" when he is an adult. you'd have to have him declared incompetent. again, treating him like a child. what you can do is stage an intervention. i'd recommend hiring an intervention counselor to guide the process as i tried doing it for a cousin and it was a lot more complicated than we'd anticipated and he didn't go for help.

maybe it's too easy to not look at your own part in this....

yup.. I did all that... it is all my fault.. Except I did not provide a house for him.. I don't cook his meals. When I cook he eats... YUP this mama is at fault bit time.. does that make you feel better now??? I destroyed his life... I made him so unhappy....ok i looked at my part in this.. and yup u are all so right.. thank you for being so helpful.. Your help is greatly appreciated... hugggs

((Radio Flyer))

Yep - after so many tears have been shed, all you can do is laugh. You'll never be able to compete with someone who's only concern is "Happy Hour." You will NEVER be able to reason with or please an alcoholic. Even if he sobers up, he'll blame you for taking away his "happiness."

Cut those strings and let him experience the "High Life" for himself. Chances are you will never see him again - but keep in mind it would only be for a roof over his head, til he can get back out there in the High Life.

He will ALWAYS blame you for his misery in life, but that's just what alcoholics do. My mother did the same thing to me, even AFTER she discovered most of her strange problems were due to amyloidosis. I spent my ENTIRE life "in charge" of her well being - yet she claimed I was never THERE for her. She hated me until the day she died. Oh well.

I haven't been following your posts.....so when I first read this I thought it was your husband & was thinking what a horrible abusive marriage you were in.....which would have been a bit different scenario as a husband is part owner in our house....HOWEVER, your son actually has NO right to be in your house after the age of 18.

Who did what to who in the growing up process really isn't the important thing at this point. One needs to put the past behind & figure out how to get the future to get better. Being an alcoholic is an inherited gene, but it doesn't make the person an alcoholic unless THEY CHOOSE to drink. Drinking & getting drunk is your son's choice. The problem is that we have to make that behavior something that WE WILL NOT ACCEPT. I think I would start by taking the stand that if you are drunk, you are not allowed in my house & if you come here drunk...I call the police to have you hauled to jail. This action did not make him responsible for his behavior, it said...it's ok to come home drunk, & what ever you want is here when you want it. Sounds to me like if he's going to be a mean drunk, it's his father that needs to be dealing with him...you are not physically strong enough to stand up to him & don't know if you grew up with alcoholic parent(s) or were married to an alcoholic spouse, but you don't have to react to your son in the same way that you had to react to a parent or spouse in tolerating them until you could GET OUT.

Your son has to be responsible for his behavior at this point. He may not be ready to accept that responsibility, or even want to change it because right now, it's comfortable for him to be the way he is.

If you have a T you can talk to about this & possibly give you some direction in where to seek the information you need to help you stop being abused by your son & to help guide him to the help he needs. Unfortunately after the age of 18, he can choose whether he wants the help or not. But you also can choose whether or not to accept his abuse. You are not married to him & you are not stuck as a child under him as a parent. YOU ARE FREE to take the appropriate action against his abuse to you. You & his father do have a responsibility to guide him to behavior that is correct & acceptable. Yes, he has the choice to accept it or not, but there is nothing that forces you to HAVE TO ACCEPT his behavior in your homes. He is old enough to be responsible for his behavior in spite of what genes he inherited or how he grew up.
It's not that he doesn't know better than behaving in the way he's behaving....it's his choice to live & abuse you the way he is. You have to make the choice NOT TO ACCEPT him in your home as long as he chooses the behaviors he has chosen.

He doesn't have a job? He doesn't have money to live on?....Then he needs to know that if he wants to live in your home, the drinking WILL NOT be tolerated, being drunk WILL NOT be tolerated & he can live in your house & eat your food WHEN HE IS NOT DRUNK OR DRINKING otherwise, he has to find another way to get by without money. With his abusive past to you, I would think that the police would even be able to take him to jail for the abuse & damage he does & that as a threat might be enough to straighten him out.....but follow through if necessary. It might be enough to make him think about what he is doing also......right now, there have been NO CONSEQUENCES for his behavior. Maybe that's been the way it's been all his life.....but that doesn't matter....no time like the present to start making there be consequences.....& the past doesn't matter, it's what you do NOW & IN THE FUTURE that will make a difference at this point.

Sweetheart, you've put in your time. The intervention sounds like a good idea, and if it works for you please do so. However, I'm wondering how imprisonment will effect his chance of finding employment - especially someone with a "yo-yo" record of alcohol abuse. But that's just how it works in this world. What bothers me is if you force an intervention on him, it would just give him one more reason to blame you for ruining his "career" and future goals in life.

He already knows he needs a LOT of help. You'll never be able to live together without constantly "clashing" back to the past, the present, or the future. You'll only get in each other's way.

He needs to HELP HIMSELF if he wants to live. He'll never learn how to live if he thinks he can always come home to "suckle" on you. Tell him no matter what happens to him out there your heart, arms and love will ALWAYS be right there with him through the hills and valleys of life.....even after you're gone - til the day he dies. Tell him to send you a letter once a year to let you know how life's been treating him. Tell him your answer will always be "I love you, even if there is no known address or phone number."

I think Rod Stewart said it best........

radio_flyer, you are in my thoughts.

(((radio flyer))) - you know what I would say. I'm sorry this is happening and I pray for an abundance of strength to come your way. You deserve peace my friend.

thanks lynn and byz and kathy and eskielover and lonegael, I prob will leave this thread as I do know what needs to be done. Am thinking the "dad" will appear tonight and well sometimes silence isn't so golden which means all hell gonna break loose tonight.... I don't feel all that great.. So res ponding to each person I can't really do right now. I am in agreement with what has been suggested here... Thank you so much for caring and responding.....

As I mentioned I prob won't come back to this thread and I am so sorry for all the drama...My not coming back to the thread doesn't mean I am in "denial" and running away f rom it. Guess it could look like that.. Just I am not in the best frame of mind to respond and feel it is better for me to be queit and try to rest...Just sometimes one needs to get it out and well maybe that isn't such a good idea to do...........
Love and hugs to all

Guess I wanted to add that it is true that I've been too protective of AJ.. I tried to guide him and he always resisted my opinions and always tried to prove me wrong. I just wanted him "not" to hurt as I have hurt. But I guess being hurt and feeling our pain is what makes us who we are? I dunno... I just wanted him to be happier and successful...I wanted a much better life for him than what I've had. And I didn't want him to "hurt".. But that is bad parenting...Guess we all have to hurt sometime or other...I didn't want him to "copy" my life but strive for a better one....I just did not want his life to be full of " pain" from making bad decisions..
I was wrong..............to have balance we need pain to know joy.....

just wondering .. i guess "bite me" is not within the guidelines.. Right? Just so I know to make sure if i can or cannot say "bite me" here... k

I love you and every time AJ gets drunk and has these scary temper tantrums I am afraid for your safety. Why don't you leave? If you can't keep him out and can't manage his alcoholism shouldn't you try to have some peace for yourself? The verbal abuse he heaps on you must hurt so much.
As hard as it is to admit...you are done raising him. My kids are going through the same thing. All they do for my grandson and all their hopes for his life are being thrown back in their faces. He is only 18 but still they need to let him live the way he has chosen. They and all of the family have done our best.
That is all you can do too. Now is the time to leave AJ to his own decisions..don't you think?

I'm pretty sure it's okay to say that here - it may have appeared so, but nobody took anything away from you. They just weren't sure if you were up for a "ballgame."

"Bite me" is probably a better term than "EAT ME!" You never know - you could possibly get a ball thrown at you!

The anger has lifted. The ugliness of yesterday has passed and I am left feeling very vulnerable. Am reading this thread with "new eyes". Not fully understanding why I overreacted, yet able to see where I've overreacted. This is the very reason one should not post when not in a good frame of mind or when feeling very emotional.

There are so many good points in this thread. Some things I already know and some things I didn't want to hear. And I've found over the years when I am extremely "resistant" to something, that is when I need to take a closer look. Even your post, Bloom, made sense. I am so sorry for being too defensive and lashing back.

Guess I lied when I said I would not return to this thread. Cuz here I be typen away. Trying to make sense of things. Digging myself out of a hole..Trying to do better. Failing sometimes. Trying to pick myself up and try again. Overwhelmed with feelings. Finally realizing AJ has to be responsible for his actions/decisons. I can only stand in the background and pray.

Thanks Sunny... Yes, it is time to leave AJ to his own decisions and his choice of path he wants to follow. I just hope one of his decisons is to seek help and find a therapist he can work with that can help him look inside and discover what is really bothering him... So he can be set free to live a normal, alcohol free life...

lol Kathy.. I needed to smile.. Guess bite me might be better than "eat me". am still smiling ..smiling is a good thing....

((radio flyer)) - the above quote explains the majority of the problem and this is why I said before, to do some inner work. I'm sorry if some of what we say is hard to hear, but we truly care about you here and like you. I think as you said above, you're overcompensating to avoid him having a hard time, as you has as a young woman. You ex is also doing the same thing except his may be from feelings of being inadequate as a parent when you were a family. Basically he spoiled and lacks direction in his life. He still acts like a teenager even though he's 30.

I can't remember who said this - but someone mentioned they gave their son a 1000 dollars and sent him on his own. This is what you/ex need to do. For you ex to buy him this house and he's not working -that's not fair to your ex. If AJ can't pay the mortgage payments or at least the rent, then he needs to move out. Maybe it would be a good idea for him to go into a treatment center since he seems to have a problem with alcohol.

You said before when you were married you were an abused woman - history is repeating itself. How can AJ have a wife, if he behaves this way? This next part may bother you but I feel it needs to be said - I think you also depend of your ex too much in regards to AJ. AJ blows up and it's AJ's dad who has to come over. You said you came to this house to fix it up - I think you've basically done that job and should think about going back to your own place.

He doesn't get a job because he doesn't have to - he has food and a roof over his head. If you both set him free, he needs to know if he doesn't get a job, he won't eat or have a place to live. If he's allowed to stay..... that's telling him, the behavior is tolerated. I too am concerned you'll get hurt one of these days. AJ's dad needs to totally rent the house to strangers, sell it or AJ gets a job and pay the mortgage himself ...no more bail outs or life served on a silver platter. I say all this because I truly care about you ((radio flyer)))I'm thinking my straight talking post will elicit a "bite me" response lol

I'm sorry you're having to put up with all this... I can't imagine how exhausting it must be. I'm someone who should never drink, whether I'm on meds or not, because my whole character changes. It's not that I'm an alchoholic, it's the way the stuff effects me. If I'm gloomy I get manic, if I'm manic I slow down and stop, and every now and then I'll just rage. I made a decision to stop drinking, and haven't regretted it. I hope your son can come to the same realisation... you get NOTHING from drinking. Perhaps there are some people out there who don't have a difficult relationship with alchohol and it doesn't cause them problems... I have no problem with them drinking. But people like me, and it seems your son, should just stop.

Stay well, and stay safe. I'm thinking of you.

Thanks for responding mgran.. AJ needs to do what you did and make the decision to "stop" drinking. As with you, alcohol totally changes his personality. He can be "trying" at times even when he isn't drinking, but that ugly rage only surfaces when he is intoxicated. He get totally "out of control" which I think he realizes because he said he acted like a "lunatic" the other night. He said he isn't going to go "out" and drink anymore. Will see how long that lasts..

((((((lynn))))))))) You need not think I would ever respond to your opinions with a "bite me". Your advice and opinions are always welcomed and many times you are right on target.

There are no more "bail outs" here. His "bail out" ticket has expired. His dad's shoulders were slumped when he came here the other night. Totally drained.

The no alcohol, parties, or "drunks" in the house is a good start. AND AJ paying his way, well it is about time. He has to pay "rent/part of the mortgage and utilities. I've been telling his dad for years, and his dad just nods his head.. Seeing more clearly each day how AJ's "mom and dad's" weakness are what could be the foundation for AJ's issues...

Thanks ((radio flyer)). You both know what needs to be done and it's clear you both love your son a great deal. I hope AJ finds his way.

Hello, radio_flyer. May this time be the start of something better for all of you.

(((radio_flyer)))