Anyone have any funny psych ward stories to tell?

I've been inpatient more times than I'd care to admit. But I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go. I've met some really cool people in the psych ward who later became good friends I still hang with now and then.

One funny story:

There was a nurse there that NOBODY liked. She was such a *****. However, her venom was minimized because there were others on the floor to commiserate with. I had been on the floor for about three days when this really nice looking and funny Croatian guy was admitted to the floor. Even though I'm of Serbian blood, we hit it off and were fast friends. Even funnier, we were able to ***** about that nurse in Serbo-Croatian and had a blast doing that. Too bad he was married, because I could have seen myself dating him. We would be in the hall speaking Serbo-Croatian and the nasty nurse would yell at us "The rule is ENGLISH ONLY!" We looked at her, looked at each other and continued our conversation!

During Christmas time the staff had a dry erase board with all the staff people's name on it and they wrote "naughty" or "nice" by the names. There was this Indian doctor that nobody liked. So I wrote a very insulting Hindi word by his name and HE BLEW THE HELL UP! I heard him yelling at his interns and residents "WHO THE HELL WROTE THAT?" Never suspecting that we mental patients would have the brains to know such words. I giggled muchly.

I was in a not so good hospital one time. They didn't do anything with us. Just basically baby sit us. We were so bored that we started to play with a wheelchair. It hit the wall of the room of this Alzheimer's guy. He got up and started talking about needing to plough fields. Staff was pretty pissed at us. He hung out with us and laughed at our antics.

The same time as that hospitalization, my roommate and I played with the beds. We were curious to see how high you can make that bed. I got on the bed and she pushed the lever. It was pretty high. High enough that I had to do a good jump to get off. It managed to get stuck in that position, so staff had to replace the bed.

I was in once and met this nice guy who was also a patient ~ he was a Viet Nam Veteran who had lost a leg over there. We became good friends and would always talk, play cards, & smoke like fiends together. (that was when you could still smoke in the facilities). Anyway, one night after bedtime, he had to go to the bathroom, and we didn't have them in our rooms ~ and he had a hurry-up call. I had gotten up cause I couldn't sleep. All of a sudden I see him coming out of his room stark naken without his leg on, hopping down the hallway going to the bathroom!!! He stopped when he saw me, shocked that I was up ~~ but had to go to the bathroom so bad, he figured, what the heck - and continued on his way. We had a good laugh the next day. LOL

I have so many funny psych ward stories. I am a horrible psych ward patient. Partially because I became psychotic and that's always an interesting mix.

So one day the med nurse flipped me off (we were having a heated debate) I got angry and said F*** this I'm leaving. As I entered the main entrance hallway a short bald guy that worked there grabbed my wrist. I pulled my wrist back and punched him in the face knocking him down. Suddenly every body was on top of me. They were carrying me to the isolation room when I saw and old lady (probably in her late fifties early sixties). She was pointing at me and laughing so I yanked my foot free and kicked her to the ground. When they got me in the seclusion room I yelled i'll take it by mouth so I wouldn't get the shot. They gave it to me by mouth and i was out. Woke up feeling great like nothing in my life had ever been wrong...

Another time I was severely anorexic and bulimic when I was admitted for a mental breakdown. There was a really big nurse on the ward. I refused to eat what the hospital prepared so my husband at the time brought in special food for me. I could have that at meal times but rarely ate. One day during the middle of the day I was hungry and asked for one of my bars. The big nurse refused saying it was not snack time. I told her how hungry i was and how long it had been since i had eaten. She still refused. So I tore off the leaves of the flowers that somebody had brought and threw all the flowers at her.

Yet another time, first psych ward I was ever in. I was put in a double room at the end of the hall. The first thing I did was barricade myself in the room. Putting all the furniture against the door, especially the bed. I took the sheets off the bed and lay them on the floor. The staff when they were able to get in told me not to barricade myself in. I told them "then don't put wheels on the bed". I was subsequently moved to a single room opposite the nurses station.

Finally, a trick I learned in the psych ward. You're not allowed floss but you are allowed tea bags. So I took the string off the tea bag and separated out the strings then using it as floss! I also snuck my cell phone into two psych wards. I bought size 10 shoes (I wear size 9) and put it in my shoes. When it came time to go through the check in I would very non-chalantly take off my shoe laces saying I know the drill. Talking like a pro they never made me take off my shoes and never found the phone.

Hmmm...so many crazy times. Can't believe how utterly insane I got. Many more stories that are probably not appropriate here. I often think back to the many times i've spent inside psych wards when I get lonely or sad. Looking back and seeing how far gone I was mentally is very sad, but if i don't laugh at it I will cry. So laugh away.

A word of caution. Don't ever attempt suicide in a psych ward. I did twice and let me just say no bueno (not good). They keep you longer, put you on a one to one and watch you like a hawk, absolutely no privacy...

Love and Hugs,
Tara

It was around mid to late December and I was walking to the cafeteria with some fellow patients, along with a staff member. As we made our way there, we passed a Jewish man pushing a cart labeled "Kosher." One of the girls exclaimed without thinking, "Merry Christmas!" only to leave the rest of us laughing, and one of them tried to correct the situation by quickly wishing him a Happy Hanukkah.

Another patient in a psychotic state was running from the staff and used me as her "shield" the whole time yelling...Lizard the Wizard wizzed on me, as she dodged the staff by moving me in circles to avoid their reach.

once when i was in there was a guy who streaked naked from the showers down to the linen cupboard because he forgot a towel.

a nurse made me angry one day so i went and threw everything around my room.

when the pet therapy was on i layed on the ground with the dog and wouldn't let the nurse into the activity room.

i was in a psych ward and felt i had no hope of getting better. i observed one of the other patients each morning watering a plant. i admired her having the energy to do that since i felt so hopeless and helpless. when i did improve i happened to be near the plant one day. imagine my surprise...IT WAS A PLASTIC PLANT!!!

I helped create a funny moment once.

I don't like playing Bingo in a psych ward setting. Since it's a game that involves no skill but sheer luck, and I tend not to win very often, it can be damaging to my sense of self-worth when I'm already so fragile that I'm in a psych ward, for Pete's sake. I get to thinking that not even *luck* is on my side. The staff starts cheerleading, creating a sense of competitiveness that need not exist: "Come on, ladies, get going, the men are winning too many!!" As if anything can be done to change that. The token prizes aren't worth much, the same handful of people win repeatedly, because that's the way luck is, and then staff starts imposing a pity rule: "OK, after you win four times you have to give your next prize to somebody who hasn't won yet." Hey, it may be a nothing prize, but if I didn't win it myself, I don't want it!

Still, they really like for you to participate in those things, so I agreed to be the caller. I started making jokes about the numbers I called out. "B9. As in, the tumor was not malignant, but B9." (That got a big laugh out of the nurses.) "B4. As in, stop in the naaame of looove, beee-fore you breeeeak my heaaaart...." It earned me the participation points without actually having to play the stupid game.

I think the absolute funniest thing that ever happened in a psych ward was in an inner city one. There was man who had been there for awhile, pleaded with them to release him, but he was definitely not ready. So he plotted an (unsuccessful) escape route. During a time when we were all just sitting in the lounge hanging out, he had collected enough of the little packets of vaseline over his stay there. He drenched his whole body in it, ran around the psych ward stark naked and avoided any staff or security from catching him since the vaseline caused him to slip through their grip. He waited for someone to open the door so he could run through it, but a nurse went out to make sure no one did. Not to mention it was two sets of doors. It took 10 people to corner him, throw a blanket wrap over him and restrain him. But even the staff running after him couldn't help but laugh.

We had that on the psych ward I was on as well. I had joined late because I had to talk to the pdoc. I was inpatient for anorexia. The OT dude said "You're welcome to join us for Bingo, but our candy bar prizes are out." and I said, "That's fine with me. I won't eat them." Everyone laughed because they knew I was there for anorexia.

Ah, never a dull moment on the psych floor. I wonder how many stories psych ward staff have to tell their friends. And how to do it without violating HIPPA!

thank you slatka for starting this wonderful thread. i've laughed out loud more than once....when i'm not watering my "plant"...heheh

This made me laugh and may be a you had to be there moment but just try to picture it.

We're on the locked ward were most patients are psychotic as was this one in particular. The activities assistant came over to our side to play botchi ball. It's a game where you take the little red botchi ball, put it in the grass and then throw bigger colored balls towards it. Whoever gets close (there are four sets of two colored balls each) wins. So nobody wants to play except this one psychotic guy. Even the assistant doesn't want to play.

So i go outside just to be outside. The patient then proceeds to place the botchi ball in the grass. He backs up and takes the first colored ball. As I'm watching he bends over and picks up a patch of grass, throws it in the air (presumably to see which way the wind is blowing, either that or for luck who knows). Then he lays down on the grass and lines up the ball. Then he proceeds to throw the colored ball so hard it flies past the botchi ball. He does this with all eight colored balls. Then he goes to collect all the balls and returns them to their box. He then tells the assistant, "Look we're missing some, there are only 11!"

I cracked up laughing, poor guy had no clue why. The therapist cracked a smile and all was well.

Love and hugs,
Tara

So in one locked ward I was in recently I had a roommate that was a cleptomaniac (stole everything). The first night I was in the common area and went to my room. She had taken my sheets off my bed and put them on the bathroom floor because she had to shower and there was no door on the shower. So instead of asking the nurses for a towel, she figured she would use my sheets!

The second night I was there she stole my bed! (I was sleeping in the quiet room so it didn't really matter, just the principle of it all). I went in to use the bathroom and she was sleeping in my bed.

So, I was sleeping in the quiet room and had placed my comb and toothbrush under my pillow. When the cleaners came to clean out the quiet room they put these two items in my regular room. Later, that day I went to my room to retrieve these items only to discover she had USED my toothbrush!

Later on in my stay she kept trying to corner me in the room. I would go to the bathroom inside the room and she would then follow me into the room and shut the bedroom door and stand guard over it. She's a big girl and I am not. When I refused to stay in the room she would move but only with a lot of persuasion. She later had a breakdown wailing and sobbing that I didn't want to talk to her. It was ridiculous!

Yikes, that sounds stressful, Tara_922! Glad you made it through OK, and with your sense of humor intact