[ladyjane4rent]

Couldn't think of where to put it - so it goes here.

My fiance's derpy sister in law has moved in with us. She and I have a 6 year history of pretty much hating each other. She is narcissistic and only talks about herself - I don't joke about this. She owns a house [she is 28/29 years old] and just got back from a 6 month stay in Hawaii while she rented her house out.

My fiance came to me saying she is going to crash with us for a week or two until she ships off to Europe. I thought he meant she was going to have another stay over there, turns out it was only a 16 day vacation for her. While she was here we heard nothing but Europe this and that. We both got very sick of listening to it. It got to the point I avoided talking to her. Her brother and I have been together 7 years and she doesn't know who I am or where I come from. She knows nothing about me at all, because the only time we talk it's about shallow observations of her own life as told according to her.

That week she stayed with us before heading out to Europe was agonizing for me. I have social anxiety and being around someone who openly judges people drove me to feel very uncomfortable in my own house. To cut the long *** story short I will ask who ever reads this for advice, for it is much needed.
She is a stuckup, selfish *****. She doesn't buy groceries but drinks our milk, eats our food and fruit [which really pisses me off since it's expensive.] Then leaves the dishes beside the sink to have the food caked onto it for when I am ready to wash them. OR in her room [the guest room] I found a plate with sauce dried on it.

She is a messy person, she leaves her wet towel on her bed [a mattress I just purchased a few months ago AHHH], makes a wet mess in the bathroom while showering, even leaves dirty pots on the stove. This is MY house. MY way of living. Not hers. But the ***** is so sensitive if I say something she will probably go crying to mommy then I'll hear about later on.

I never wanted her here but apparently she has moved in. Without my consent. I wasn't there for the verbal confirmation of that decision between her and her brother, so my loss I guess. Everything about her makes me mad.

She even let my indoor cat get out of the house [first time this cat has ever escaped..] after I told her twice not to leave the door open. I also told her I don't like wet towels laying around, especially on the bed. She didn't listen.

I hate her and she is staying until mid-Sept [even though her plans are never thought out and **** never follows through as first led on.] She leaves to travel the tri-state area recruiting people for her college. Then after that she will be back in time to move in for the winter. She pays us $200 a month but when we had a year long stay in her house [as she offered 5 years ago] she charge us 400 a month PLUS half of the electric and heat.

Here she doesn't pay for her food, electric, internet and even uses my netflix. What do you think...? Or what would you do..?

oooo, I really feel for you. I am sorry this is happening.

Perhaps you can speak with your F about setting up some boundaries and make some changes re: having guests. Also, important to speak amongst yourselves about some "house rules" .

A day or two here or there sounds reasonable, but extended stays (especially with a seflish, N person) ... even Mother Teresa would have a problem.

Also, I belive it is your F's responsiblity to speak with the SIL and explain the rules of the house (whatever you decide: put dishes in dishwasher, pick up after yourself, use 1 towel, one set of bed linens...here is a quarter, the laundry mat is right around the corner, etc.)

It is your home. If these rules are not respected, then the person is welcome to stay at a hotel.

I know I sound harsh, but I agree with Benjamin Franklin's philosphy on visitors

(ps, if the person was struggling: homeless, jobless, hungry that is a whole different subject altogether. But there should still be house rules. Whatever the case, it's your castle!)

Im not sure why it is she has to stay with you but now its been decided she's staying for the forseeable future some boundaries definately have to be laid down. Could you get your partner to talk to her if she's just not listening to you? i wouldn't dare be so messy and inconsiderate in someone else's house but clearly she's not so self-conscious. If your partner is uneasy about talking to her than that only really leaves you to try and resolve the situation - even if he too has a problem with her behaviour. Perhaps if you sit down with her over a cup of coffee (maybe you could convince your partner to join you?) and explain that some things simply need to change the penny might drop once and for all. The DBT technique 'GIVE' states that if you use a Gentle, Interested, Validating and an Easy manner you're more likey to get what you want. Maybe start by asking whether she's comfortable and if theres anything she would like to talk about? i know this sounds pretty tough - especially if she's been taking advantage as much as you say but at least if you've tried approaching the situation diplomatically at first you'll feel better that you did your best to resolve the situation if things do deteriorate from there. I wish you all the best.

[unaluna]

i'm so passive aggressive, I would give her like a hotel laundry bag and dinner tray and tell her to just leave it in the hallway every morning. also a menu with what she wants for breakfast.

[lynn P.]

I sympathize with your situation ((LadyJane)). Over the yrs my husband has made our house open to overseas relatives and people who he's trying to impress or butt kiss. I'm left with the pressure of tolerating them, cooking for them and cleaning up after them. Some guests have been okay but one doctor pal he had was so annoying and I honestly hated him. He would never make his bed or come with pajamas to sleep in and he would leave them in a pile on the floor. I don't know what's the solution or say something politely to her.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, who owns this house that you and your finance live in? Because if this is "his" home and you have no real claim to possession of it, then you are a guest in this home as well.

And your finance, does he see how "rude" his sister is being? And he doesn't say anything to her? Does he see how his sister is upsetting "your" sense of boundaries?
Because you had better pay attention to how he allows "his" family to cross "your" boundaries. This is very telling of how he "respects you"overall.

Who actually "pays" for these groceries? If "you" are the one shelling out the money then stop buying groceries and have the F buy them.

If this is "your" home and the F and his sister are taking over then you have even more right to be angry.

So it depends on who is owning and funding for this "sister in law to be" crossing boundaries. It sounds like she is used to crossing the boundaries of others and your F accepts this behavior. If he is going to be your partner then you and him need to talk. It is important that you don't "train him" that you are just going to allow his family to "invade on you".

Open Eyes

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I sympathize with your situation ((LadyJane)). Over the yrs my husband has made our house open to overseas relatives and people who he's trying to impress or butt kiss. I'm left with the pressure of tolerating them, cooking for them and cleaning up after them. Some guests have been okay but one doctor pal he had was so annoying and I honestly hated him. He would never make his bed or come with pajamas to sleep in and he would leave them in a pile on the floor. I don't know what's the solution or say something politely to her.

((((Lynn P)))) Doctor = but since your H is trying to impress or kb, then I think when the doctor comes to visit, casually mention to your H that you are hiring the housekeeper every single day the entire length of the visit.

[ladyjane4rent]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Ok, who owns this house that you and your finance live in? Because if this is "his" home and you have no real claim to possession of it, then you are a guest in this home as well.

And your finance, does he see how "rude" his sister is being? And he doesn't say anything to her? Does he see how his sister is upsetting "your" sense of boundaries?
Because you had better pay attention to how he allows "his" family to cross "your" boundaries. This is very telling of how he "respects you"overall.

Who actually "pays" for these groceries? If "you" are the one shelling out the money then stop buying groceries and have the F buy them.

If this is "your" home and the F and his sister are taking over then you have even more right to be angry.

So it depends on who is owning and funding for this "sister in law to be" crossing boundaries. It sounds like she is used to crossing the boundaries of others and your F accepts this behavior. If he is going to be your partner then you and him need to talk. It is important that you don't "train him" that you are just going to allow his family to "invade on you".

Open Eyes

We rent it together actually, both of our names are on the lease and we both pay for it.

He doesn't notice when someone upsets me, he doesn't pick up on little things like that.

I pay for the groceries, but since posting this I am working on him to get the balls to ask her for grocery funds. I don't know why it has to be such a fricken headache with him.

"It sounds like she is used to crossing the boundaries of others and your F accepts this behavior.' This couldn't be more true. It is sick really, the entire family tiptoes around eachother and their parents *never* correct their kid's actions. Probably never have either. They are all adults but none of them act like it.

[beauflow]

((LadyJane4Rent))

I don't have any thing to suggest, due to my suggestion I don't know if it would be really constructive (i may sound like a B, but ya know this is your home too- if this person is not respecting and not being grateful for what you two are doing for her, well people should not be used!!)--- you sound like you have and are trying the best ways to "not rock the boat" on this with your F and his sister.

I just hope you and your fiance well

[Barefootbaby]

Originally Posted by ladyjane4rent

Couldn't think of where to put it - so it goes here.

My fiance's derpy sister in law has moved in with us. She and I have a 6 year history of pretty much hating each other. She is narcissistic and only talks about herself - I don't joke about this. She owns a house [she is 28/29 years old] and just got back from a 6 month stay in Hawaii while she rented her house out.

My fiance came to me saying she is going to crash with us for a week or two until she ships off to Europe. I thought he meant she was going to have another stay over there, turns out it was only a 16 day vacation for her. While she was here we heard nothing but Europe this and that. We both got very sick of listening to it. It got to the point I avoided talking to her. Her brother and I have been together 7 years and she doesn't know who I am or where I come from. She knows nothing about me at all, because the only time we talk it's about shallow observations of her own life as told according to her.

That week she stayed with us before heading out to Europe was agonizing for me. I have social anxiety and being around someone who openly judges people drove me to feel very uncomfortable in my own house. To cut the long *** story short I will ask who ever reads this for advice, for it is much needed.
She is a stuckup, selfish *****. She doesn't buy groceries but drinks our milk, eats our food and fruit [which really pisses me off since it's expensive.] Then leaves the dishes beside the sink to have the food caked onto it for when I am ready to wash them. OR in her room [the guest room] I found a plate with sauce dried on it.

She is a messy person, she leaves her wet towel on her bed [a mattress I just purchased a few months ago AHHH], makes a wet mess in the bathroom while showering, even leaves dirty pots on the stove. This is MY house. MY way of living. Not hers. But the ***** is so sensitive if I say something she will probably go crying to mommy then I'll hear about later on.

I never wanted her here but apparently she has moved in. Without my consent. I wasn't there for the verbal confirmation of that decision between her and her brother, so my loss I guess. Everything about her makes me mad.

She even let my indoor cat get out of the house [first time this cat has ever escaped..] after I told her twice not to leave the door open. I also told her I don't like wet towels laying around, especially on the bed. She didn't listen.

I hate her and she is staying until mid-Sept [even though her plans are never thought out and **** never follows through as first led on.] She leaves to travel the tri-state area recruiting people for her college. Then after that she will be back in time to move in for the winter. She pays us $200 a month but when we had a year long stay in her house [as she offered 5 years ago] she charge us 400 a month PLUS half of the electric and heat.

Here she doesn't pay for her food, electric, internet and even uses my netflix. What do you think...? Or what would you do..?

I've been where you are now. I have had my husbands family move in without so much as a disscussion between us. It can be very frustrating and if your like me, I have enough frustration dealing with everyday life. I can tell you how I handled it and I hope it helps. I talked to my husband and told him how i truely felt. I dumped the good, the bad, and the ugly on him and let him know that since it was his family he would have to deal with them. By this I ment, since my requests were ignored, like yours are, I was going to bring each and every problem to him. I retreated to my room and left the rest of the house to him and his family. I'm a bit of a control freak so this was hard for me, when he saw that it was affecting the quality of mine and his relationship he took charge and dealt with any conflicts that came up. Also, you can change and or add password protection on your netflix, password protecting your internet, putting an annoing plastic matteress protecter on the bed, stuff like that. i would start with my spouse first. In the mean time, hang in there.If all good things must come to an end then so does the bad.