[Maven]

I've made a huge mistake. Well, two, really. 1: I jumped into college before I was ready. And 2: I should have gone for an Acting degree; I chose Graphic Design, figuring I could make more money with it, enabling me to move to New York and then pursue acting. Stupid me. I didn't know that once you're in past the period where you get your money back, you're stuck. I thought I could drop classes or quit entirely, and just start again in the spring or next fall. No, you have to pay that money back if you drop below 12 credits. It's logical, it makes sense, but I didn't understand that. So now, I'm miserable in school (except for my drawing class...I do enjoy that, except for the stools some of us have to sit on...my fat butt and short height make it very uncomfortable, plus my legs fall asleep), and I just want out.


I am way behind in everything, I feel overwhelmed and depressed, and I just want to start over, or at least drop the graphic design classes (two of them) and start over in the spring with Acting as my degree. Everyone's telling me I can do it. I don't know. But I do know this: I don't *want* to do it. I've talked to my advisor, financial aid, the FAFSA people, and others, looking for a way out that won't hurt my reputation. I don't want to change schools, although the one in my county said they'd take me, even if I dropped out from the one I'm in (but I'm an out-of-county student--it's closer than the college that's in-county), but that's a longer drive (however, I wouldn't face chargeback issues), and it still doesn't relieve me from having to pay back the financial aid, and probably not getting as much financial aid for me to go back to college in another term. Maybe I shouldn't be in college at all. My OCD is struggling more than I thought it would. I have to use the library to do a research paper, but touching all those used books freaks out my OCD. I knew I'd have to do one, but I thought I could get through it. I don't suppose anyone has any advice?

[shinkikker]

Hey, I had the same problem my first year in college. I am assuming you're a freshman. I'm a sophomore now, and it's been sorted out, at least for the most part. During my first two semesters, I thought I knew what I wanted to do, so I signed up for a bunch of classes for that degree. Suddenly, I realized I did not want to do it at all. It was past the withdrawal period so I had to stay in, or else I would have wasted a few thousand bucks.

Honestly, a lot of people go through that exact situation in college... they change their mind then they have to suffer through the crap classes they don't care about. Your best bet at this point, I think, is to just try as hard as you can for the rest of the semester. The semester is almost over, anyway, you can totally do it!! At my university, it's almost time to schedule spring classes... Maybe if you start planning your spring schedule that's actually classes you want to be in, you will have more incentive to push through this semester.

Also, I'm willing to bet that some of the classes you are in right now will count towards a degree in acting. You're probably taking some general education classes, and intro graphic design classes, right? Most degrees require both of those, so just look at all the requirements for an acting degree, and maybe it won't seem like you're wasting time/money since they probably will count towards that degree too.

As for the OCD problem, a lot of schools have online resources with hundreds upon hundreds of scholarly articles that you can cite in a research paper. It's free for students. You'll have to check with your school, of course, but I am a sophomore and have done a lot of research papers and have not once had to go to the library and touch the books.

Are you seeing a therapist while you're at school? If not, you totally should, it can be so helpful, especially with all the pressures of college. You CAN do it, it might be really hard, but you can succeed. <3

[Confusedinomicon]

Most people don't actually open up library books. There are plenty of online resources, like shinkikker said.

Basically everything that shinkikker said is true. It's better to just get through the classes because you never know if the credits will transfer towards the other degree.

Also, campus therapists are awesome. You should take advantage of that resource!

[costello]

Originally Posted by Maven

Everyone's telling me I can do it. I don't know. But I do know this: I don't *want* to do it.

I work at a law school, Maven. Sometimes people go through all of the rigamarole of getting into the school and start taking classes and realize it just isn't for them. The smart ones quit. Why pursue something that's not right for you? People change their minds or get new information and decide the course they're on isn't right.

Personally I'd finish the semester if I couldn't withdraw from the classes and get my money back - or most of it. Although I did withdraw from law school mid-semester in the fall of 2005 after my son had his first psychotic episode and I knew I wasn't going to be able to focus well enough to complete the work. Stuff happens.

My OCD is struggling more than I thought it would. I have to use the library to do a research paper, but touching all those used books freaks out my OCD. I knew I'd have to do one, but I thought I could get through it. I don't suppose anyone has any advice?

This made me smile. I'm actually a librarian. I've worked in academic libraries for 30 years. It never occurred to me to think of library books as used - although I guess they are. I know people with allergies have problems with the dust in libraries sometimes. I didn't know people with OCD struggled with them. Makes sense, though.

Aside from online resources, would wearing gloves help? It might also be a good chance to work with your OCD? Aren't there CBT approaches for OCD? And some kind of exposure therapy for phobias where you gradual increase your exposure to the feared thing?

Good luck. And don't worry too much about your reputation. You're not the first person to change her mind.

[Maven]

Thanks for the responses, guys. I guess I don't really have any choice but to keep going. I have to look at what's required for Acting again, but as I recall, I'm only in one class (English Composition 102) that's applicable to acting. I also feel, it's better to be overeducated than undereducated. I'm nervous and my stomach is in knots, though. I listen to the teachers, but sometimes what they say doesn't "stick." I'm supposed to understand some stuff about Adobe Illustrator, for instance, but I really don't know what I'm doing in it. I can only do homework that requires Adobe products at college, since I don't have them myself. Problem is, I'm usually in a class when the computer labs are free. There are exceptions, of course, like today (Saturday), there is one lab open for a few hours, and I'm going in.

We're required to use at least one library book for our thesis papers in English. I don't even know what my paper's going to be about! I read the stories, and I have to re-read them (the professor said we should read them two or three times), but I don't remember what I'm supposed to do. I've been looking at some online examples, but I'm still confused.

I already do a lot of exposure therapy. Going to college is exposure therapy for me, but it's not getting easier. Actually, it's the opposite. I've improved significantly in the past year, which is why I decided to go to college, but I think I've jumped in too soon.

What I'm most concerned about is hurting my reputation with the school, not getting the same amount of financial aid for next season if I quit, and having to pay back money I don't have. I'm not very smart, and I show it by getting all gung-ho about something and jumping right into it, and then I'm (bleeped).

I honestly don't know if there are campus therapists. It's a community college. But I'll take a look on the college site and see what I can find out.

Shinkikker, yes, I'm seeing a psychiatrist, who I've been with for a few years now. He's got me on several meds, for panic disorder, OCD, depression and ADD. I'm actually addicted to the Xanax; my pdoc said he feels it's better to be "a little bit addicted" to a med if it helps you than to not be on it at all, because anxiety and stress can lead to heart disease. This is another topic, but frankly, I'm not at all happy about being addicted to a med.

Costello, I'm embarrassed to wear gloves, although I force myself in art class when we work with charcoal. But I have an excuse for that, because charcoal is messy and a book I read recommended using gloves. As for my reputation, my advisor told me if I dropped out, I wouldn't be "in good standing" with the college.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Maven

Costello, I'm embarrassed to wear gloves, although I force myself in art class when we work with charcoal. But I have an excuse for that, because charcoal is messy and a book I read recommended using gloves.

What about those rubber gloves that medical people wear? You can barely see them when someone has them on.

Or what about holding a kleenex in your hand casually and handing the book only with that? If you're slick enough about it no one would think a thing about it. In fact, I doubt anyone will be paying much attention to you in the library. They'll be reading or whatever. If you do things with enough aplomb, you can get away with almost anything I sometimes think.

As for my reputation, my advisor told me if I dropped out, I wouldn't be "in good standing" with the college.

What does that mean exactly? Is it just some kind of status they use internally that will go away after you've successfully completed a semester or something like that?

[likewater]

Maven, if I saw someone wearing gloves like medical ones at library, I would assume they had a
medical condition. My brother had cystic fibrosis and had to do things like that because bacteria could
kill him. If someone asks tell them you have a medical condition. OCD is a medical condition anyway and it's nobody's business why you wear gloves or not for heaven's sake.

[seeker1950]

Hey, Maven...I can certainly understand your dislike of Graphic Design as a major. I'm an art teacher and practicing artist. I worked as a cartoonist for three years after graduating from college...got that job just by chance. Working in any art field, even finding a job therein, is difficult.
No matter how skilled you are in graphic arts, your job will be attending to and pleasing the needs of others. Your talents will be expended toward this monetary goal. Much like a producing machine. Not very rewarding....as an artist. Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines.
I say go for your love! If your heart isn't into the graphic design field, you will continue to be unhappy.
Patty

[Maven]

Thanks, guys. The library itself is a problem for me, but it's handling the books that's the real problem. From experience, I've found it's very difficult to use tissues or clothing or other "covers" to do some things, including turning pages and carrying books (I'd have to make sure the books don't touch my arms or shirt, which makes carrying more than one book a problem; and if the one book is big and/or heavy, that makes the risk higher). I may still try using gloves; I just feel conspicuous, is all. I wouldn't mind telling someone it's because I have OCD, although I always worry when I tell someone that, they'll be one of those persons who thinks it's funny to torment someone like me by trying to make me touch things (or using things to touch me) that are issues for me. Maybe a little paranoid, but it comes from experiences.

Costello, I honestly don't know what they mean by "in good standing." That's what my advisor said to me. Maybe they think it will label me as a quitter. I can't deny that; I have trouble sticking to things, but I don't think the college should label me as a quitter for one time with the intention of coming back next semester or in the fall (I'd consult my advisor to see which he thinks is best).

Seeker, thank you for your sympathy. Believe me, it feels good to know someone gets how I feel. I really want to take acting, and also some art classes if I can work it into my required programs. I'm in Fundamentals of Drawing right now, and enjoying that (except for the stools most students sit on--my legs fall asleep and then I almost fall down when I stand up off them; I'm very out-of-shape and that's my fault, but this is how it is right now. However, there are a couple of folding chairs in the room, and I grab one of them when I can). As I said, when we work with charcoal, I wear my gloves, but only the teacher has asked me about it (although not privately, as I'd have preferred). I didn't tell her I had OCD, but that I don't want the charcoal getting all over my hands and then spreading to other things I might touch (including my purse, pencils, art supplies, etc.) before I wash my hands.

My original idea was to take graphic design, use that to make some money to save to move to New York, and while I'm in NY, pursue an acting career when I have the time.

And Seeker, I love your "artrox" pictured in your sig. I'd like to be able to paint (preferably both with acrylics and digitally) realistically like that (which is one reason I'm in a drawing class--it's part of my degree program, but I genuinely wanted to take it to see if I can improve, but I also know the biggest help is to practice more). I'm not great with proportions and light and shadow stump me somewhat.

[Maven]

Thanks for the hugs, Costello and Seeker.

I found out my advisor wasn't who I thought it was; I thought it was the Director of Advisement, who was the one who signed me up for the classes. Turns out, my profile at the college said it was my Fundamentals of Drawing professor. With her help, I dropped the two graphics-related classes (although I really do want to learn Dreamweaver, Illustrator and Photoshop, and learn to be a professional artist, including digitally). I don't know yet if I will have to pay anything; my professor/advisor said they give chances to people who feel they're in the wrong major. However, having changed my major (to Liberal Arts/Humanities), I have a different advisor...I can go back to my drawing professor if I want, though. With this degree program, I can take my acting classes and other classes I want. My only thought is, would I be better off taking Theatre/Acting as a degree...but I'm not sure I want to take all the classes related to acting, like Shakespeare. I know--Shakespeare is a great thing to know if you're in theatre, but I am more interested in film than theatre. With the Humanities degree, I can study some of several courses. Still, it's to prepare me for a 4-year college afterwards, and I have mixed feelings about going to one. I liked Graphic Design in that it would ready me for a job in only two years. However, I forgot just how hard college is. I knew it would be hard, but it's really overwhelming sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be in college at all. I seriously need to lose weight and stop consuming so much sugar. I'm obese and my legs are very weak; if I fall down, I can't get up on my own. And now, I'm starting to feel it in my knees...whenever I get up from sitting, I can feel pressure on my knees. I get a little exercise in walking to class, but I would like to join a gym, if I could get myself to commit to it. I know I won't do that when I have college to handle, too. I'm too lazy and I've settled in my ways as I've gotten older. I'm just trying to be honest with myself: "Would you really try? Would you stick to it? Or would you just give up?" I ask myself, because I know I want things in life, but I don't think I have the strength of character and hopes I had when I was young...I don't think I'd particularly regret it if I chose to drop out of college. I know I'd be really happy once I was all through and had a degree, but I don't know if I can (or more accurately, will) stick to it.

My advisor told me something that's got me thinking: She looked over my old records from when I attended the college over 20 years ago, and I had taken English Composition 102 and got a "C". She asked me why I was taking it again now. I told her I didn't remember taking it before, and the Director of Advisement didn't mention it. If I'd known, I wouldn't have signed up for it again. She asked me did I just want to try for a better grade, and I told her that wasn't it, but I didn't mind taking it again, just as a refresher course. But I do kind of mind it, because I can refresh my English skills on my own (and they're not poor, even after being out of school for so long).

Sorry, got into a rant there. Bunch of stuff on my mind. Unrelated to the topic of this thread, I have to go and talk to a nursing lady about my mom's care once she gets out of the physical rehab she's in. I can't take full care of her, because of my OCD (and my boyfriend wouldn't let her live with us, even if I could deal), but I do want to make sure she's got somewhere to go. She doesn't want to go to Assisted Living; she just wants to go back to her apartment, which is owned by the Housing Authority. I won't put her where she doesn't want to go.