[Anonymous42019]

Loud-talking guys ogle me as I lean across the cafe table enjoying my coffee. I can feel their collective gazes crawling over me like ants. They've been staring at me all time I've been at this cafe, elbowing each other like they've never seen a pair of boobs before. The downside of being beautiful is that it draws creeps out of the woodwork and makes them feel entitled to treat me like a piece of meat. If Juni had been with me, she'd have jumped the table and whacked the grins off their faces. It wouldn't have been the first time. This is why I took on Laura: to help my daughter go through the early stages of growing up, and to help me overcome my low self-esteem. But my biggest fantasy is one of the guys seeing me as their doctor, and I prescribe them a strong laxative instead of what they need as a patient. In my dreams.

Being attractive had a negative effect on me for unwantingly becoming a man magnet. A series of failed relationships put me off them big time, and recently a non-starter relationship with my friend after ten years almost made me a recluse for fear of being hurt, over and over again. I recognised the friendship had turned abusive and jumped clear. Bbecause being beautiful can be threatening. In the past it sparked defence in me. Consequently I took lessons in unarmed combat which became useful over the years because self-defence is an advantage against the more unruly patients out to get a hit. Or when going home from work - was I being followed? Would I have to react again in self-defence? Once into my truck I'd feel safe again.

Despite having low esteem, I learnt to become assertive. Assertiveness even stopped nastiness from other women, jealous because of my good looks. Walking into a room, girls would take immediate note of my presence and many of them would look resentful at my attractiveness. Rushes of jealousy became visible on their faces and I was met with everything from glares, stares and even bitterness. Still, my attractiveness is having to be constantly worked on, yet I have to look presentable all the time I'm on duty. It's a constant balance to look good when applying makeup, but not deliberately go out to look seductive.

Citing Anderson and Nida (1978): 'Highly attractive people of the same sex were judged as less talented than average-looking people'. Consequently my becoming a doctor changed that perception somewhat except it was to my emotional cost of becoming very lonely, afraid to engage with people in a social way. An example of this was my medical talent has not easily been acknowledged.

Surely my looks would be just too good to be true for me to be considered as intelligent? Instead, newcomers froze at my dazzling smile and bewitching eyes, and they just can't get their eyes off me. And when I was with my best friend, she wouldn't introduce me to her boyfriend for fear of losing him to me. When I felt something was wrong and I asked, she admitted to feeling intimidated by my attractiveness, and then said it wasn't possible to be friends with me anymore. Oh well, that is life. But then, insecure and jealous women would love to see me fall. Consequently, this is why I needed to take extra care to protect myself, but at the same time not hurting anyone.

I tried counselling, but it didn't help, though my best decision was wearing mirrored sunglasses to lessen the impact of being stared at. Men, even teenage boys would eye me in the street and wolf whistle. I'd avoid going near building sites, for those places are the worst and I would avoid sites like plague.

I'm blonde with piercing blue eyes, and each are ringed with dark edges. My eyes, beautiful as they are can look larger when I apply eyeliner and mascara and I like that look. But that never stopped people wherever I went, even in supermarkets. Consequently I retreated into myself, afraid for that fear returning: what would they do to me? My teenage years were painful, too, so I stayed at home and did extra studies, avoiding social media only because I couldn't be bothered or felt too tired. But the reality of being on social media was attracting all the wrong people who just want to get me laid, and that is why I developed a distrust even in my very closest friends.

Some suggested I took up modeling, but why should I put my body out there to be objectified? So next time you see a hot woman, don't assume she's taken or has a full social life, or that she's never lonely. Because you never know what sad experiences lie behind that perfect smile. Shunning parties I stayed at home to study paediatrics. Being hit on by collagues (which is tantamount to sexual harrassment) in my previous hospital job caused me to be self-effacing, yet people wrongly assumed that my attractiveness would have the opposite effect.

Looking back, I remember some went gone out of their way to harrass me on social media. And then there are those who find it easy to quickly hate me once they realised that I'm articulate as well as attractive. Because as soon as you possess a few of the traits most valued by our society - beauty, intelligence, a sense of humour, etc. - you have officially become the target of fuming resent. This was why half my activities was to work around that and try not to do anything to further aggravate the problem. And gradually, gradually, I realised the good things I was doing were bringing joy and happiness back into my life. And there came hope.

Even when my daughter's minder Laura arrived, everything changed for the better despite it being only a short time. Now, being seen with her has put stop to this constant harrassment. Men still stare as they will, but they look at Laura and stay away. I've had to tell my daughter to wear sunglasses lest she receives the same treatment from boys, but she's far better about handling it than me despite inheriting my attractiveness. She also gave me permission to share this, lovely that she is.

In the end I realised it would be best if I just go for a stroll along the beach with Laura and my daughter for company. Bubbly company. Linking arms with mummy company. Loving mummy because she is kind and caring and putting her daughter first before everything, and Laura loving being with me because she's already been there and come back from the nastiness of jealous people in the same situation, and laughs at life just like my bubbly daughter. Because that is how I define beauty in joy now. Joy and knowing happiness comes from within, and tough if no-one recognises that.

[*Beth*]

Thank the universe. I was very pretty and graceful until my mid-40's. I resented the way men acted around me; clearly attracted. Then I was prescribed atypical antipsychotics, gained 100lbs., too tired to take care of myself. Now men drop doors in my face. I'm bitter, yeah.

[Anonymous42019]

My becoming a doctor was a way to prove that there was more to me then superficial beauty.

[sarahsweets]

But isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder? I have received unwanted attention from men all my life but does that make me beautiful? Pretty? I do not think I am ugly but I dont know if I am beautiful as you describe it. I mean I am a good person and am confident saying that. I am a good mom, a good wife and a good friend. Thanks to getting sober I work with other addicts and alcoholics and I believe in anything makes me beautiful, its that.

[Anonymous42019]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

But isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder? I have received unwanted attention from men all my life but does that make me beautiful? Pretty? I do not think I am ugly but I dont know if I am beautiful as you describe it. I mean I am a good person and am confident saying that. I am a good mom, a good wife and a good friend. Thanks to getting sober I work with other addicts and alcoholics and I believe in anything makes me beautiful, its that.

Yes I agree that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder', but being constantly stared at by people, often making crude remarks does get wearing, and it worries me that my daughter could later be affected because she is very pretty and her looks already attracts boy's attentions. She has a different way of coping, I'm pleased to see. She simply ignores them as if they aren't there. Only if they stand in her way will she react, and then she'll strike as swift as a snake. Rude boys beware!

I was sexually harrassed at the hospital I previously worked and complained to HR. They did nothing about it, but would only follow up if I lodged an official complaint. The man who constantly got at me was a senior consultant cardiologist, but after I gave him a serious warning to stay away did he realise I wasn't someone to be messed with. A fortnight later he saw my reaction when leary patient in A&E pinched my *****. Reacting as taught, I dropped him to the floor. Security was called who threw him out.

Thankfully I'm not harrassed in any way at the medical practice where I work now. My colleagues are very nice. I hope it remains that way.

1. Its not you, its men. We live in a society that is "oh boys will be boys" and shames women to put them in their place. I'm ready for the day we go back to live in the matriarchy.

2. I'm sorry you've been through this, and that this has been your experience with being an attractive woman. I appreciate you writing your experiences with this. I've never looked at it that way bc...

3. I'm definitely not hot or a looker that I'm aware of. I'm not a femme female - I never wear makeup, rarely wear heels or dresses, I'm all about jeans and atm flannel, or those baseball tees I'm very nerdy and dorky and wear glasses (that I need) so I've got that going for me. Sometimes I wear jewelry or a cute scarf. Im also quite shy in public, introverted, don't get out much, Also have low self esteem, and I'm over weight (woohoo!) due to medication that works. so yeah. I'm not saying count your own self as lucky, bc its clear from your story that's been hard. Sometimes I wish I got more male attention, but everyone has their own story.

4. SarahSweets is right. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I have seen people in relationships and marriages who are not the standard model of beauty. Maybe its something more than looks that makes people pair up. I do certainly think that's so. I think there's a lot more to LIFE than looks too. Whether "pretty" "ugly" or "somewhere in between." There's more to life. I like how you've found that with your daughter, caregiver, and walking.

Hugs!

[Mountaindewed]

I have girls hitting on me because I am a fit female who dresses and halfway looks like a guy. It is really uncomfortable. One coworker was so obvious about it. she was always joking around with me and literally hanging on my shoulders and putting her head on me and giving me these dopey smiles whenever she saw me. It was so weird. I’m glad she’s gone now. Another time a customer was being so obvious that the cashier I was working with was giving her a dirty look and shaking her head at her. It’s like girl, I’m not interested.

[mugwort2]

I was born with a genetic facial syndrome. Truth is there are tens of thousands of such disorders. They are collectively known as dysmorphic facial syndromes. They are NOT to be confused with body dysmorphic disorders. My eyes don't match. There's a round tip to my nose. My hairline is low and my cheeks are too big.

[bpcyclist]

Very interesting discussion. That said, men as a class are not known historically for their depth of analysis when it comes to picking mates. Given the choice between a swimsuit model and an Oxford PhD who is brilliant, hilarious, a good personality match, and kindhearted, the average male--at least the American ones--will pick the swimsuit girl every single time. This, when clearly, the much better long-term choice is probably the Oxford woman. In this area of life, most men are unfortunately fundamentally shallow. I was married to a model for 17 years. But she was also incredibly sweet, smart, funny, a great personality match, awesome mom, and a Christian, which was extremely important to me. The fact that she was also outwardly beautiful was just a bonus. She was strictly a long-term play for me.

I guess this is where I come to the difference between outer, physical beauty and attractiveness. I don't mean attractiveness as a synonym for beauty, I mean, what are the things that makes a person attractive? Physical appearance is only one part of it. Some physically flawless people are incredibly unattractive--we've all had the misfortune. What is it about some people who may not be the prettiest or handsomest but who somehow manage to attract the attention of lots and lots of people? What is that?

To any women at all triggered by this thread, you have my empathy. you're all worthy and valuable people. You deserve to be happy. And feel pretty. And feel safe.

[MuseumGhost]

I am what you would call average looking. I could always count on my fair share of attention from men, especially when I was younger. But my story is about someone else.

A co-worker I knew all long time ago happened to be a stunningly beautiful woman. She was Polynesian, and everything about her was remarkable---her eyes, her hair, her skin, her figure. I saw men actually trip and stumble over themselves when she was around. We had the opportunity to get to know one another a little bit, covering desks for other people while they were away at lunch/meetings. She was actually very bright, funny, shy and very modest, in her personality. Her shyness was interpreted as an air of superiority---something people had accused me of in life (as if just being shy weren't painful enough!).

She shared with me one time that it was nice to have a friend who wanted to get to know her; her likes and dislikes, to listen to her thoughts on different topics. It seems women treated her equally as differently for her beauty as men did---by basically expressing their envy of her as rejection and contempt.

She was very lonely. She had enormous trust issues. She didn't date, because men essentially used her as a trophy girlfriend.

She was saving up money to move back to Hawaii, where perhaps she could blend in slightly easier and not be treated like such an odd specimen.

I think about her from time to time, and hope she found happiness and some kind of easy contentment in life.

It all boils down to the fact that EVERYONE, everyone!, has stuff they are doing battle with. You might never guess it, from the way someone presents and conducts themselves. But it is an universal and unchangeable certitude while we are all alive.

That's why kindness is so important! And why it is also universally held in such high esteem.

[MuseumGhost]

Something else I've been forced to endure:

Life can be very hard when people treat you differently, all because of their own neuroses.

[Discombobulated]

I am sorry you had to deal with this. I would like to say it may lessen as you age but observation has shown me that's not always the case.

I was a little taken aback you said you became a doctor to show there is more to you. I would say very few people are capable of the academic and emotional demands of medicine- honestly I admire anyone who does that! Regardless of how they look.

I can see you are a mother of a confident happy young woman too - that is definitely an achievement too!

I have a friend with an unusual appearance due to a birth condition- they also get stared at. They learned to ignore it. Maybe this will be your path too?

Just wanted to add not all women are jealous of attractive women, at least not the ones I know. It would be a boring life if we all looked the same!

[Anonymous42019]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I am sorry you had to deal with this. I would like to say it may lessen as you age but observation has shown me that's not always the case.

I was a little taken aback you said you became a doctor to show there is more to you. I would say very few people are capable of the academic and emotional demands of medicine- honestly I admire anyone who does that! Regardless of how they look.

I can see you are a mother of a confident happy young woman too - that is definitely an achievement too!

I have a friend with an unusual appearance due to a birth condition- they also get stared at. They learned to ignore it. Maybe this will be your path too?

Just wanted to add not all women are jealous of attractive women, at least not the ones I know. It would be a boring life if we all looked the same!

Thank you for sharing though I deeply sympathise for your friend, that is mean of others who treated them so despicably.

I resigned Eastbourne District General Hospital after the last straw - a 20 stone patient pinched my bottom and half the department laughed. Until I tackled the man and dropped him to the floor. Security threw him out. That incident had me nicknamed "Doctor Beautiful Bad ***"

I now work at a medical centre close to where I live. The hours remain long, about 60 hours a week. We GPs are paid according to the number of patients we see during a year. This week, Monday to Friday I'll have seen 200 patients. Today I saw 38 patients and had 4 cancellations. Every fortnight I work a Saturday morning and see 10 to 15 patients all double-appointments of 20 minutes maybe more. And masses of paperwork. I type 180 wpm, which helps.

No pun intended, but the beauty of this new job is my medical colleagues treat me decently. My chief has put me onto a GP partnering course so that I will eventually qualify as a GP Partner of our Practice. Most mornings my chief greets me, "Morning 007". I reply, "Morning M" and we laugh. It's a great way to start the day. But it was my daughter who saw this behemoth first and she was hopping from foot to foot saying I've got to see it! So we went in and 2 hours later after an initial test drive, I was hooked!

My truck is an exact replica of the James Bond Defender SVX for the Spectre film. The sheer mass of this truck has done great things for my road confidence since that dreadful accident which nearly killed me last spring. I've done offroading anyway and taken that course in defensive driving. Last week we went to France in it. What a trip! But broadly speaking, my inner confidence has multiplied so I no longer cringe inwardly at being very attractive, and mostly because where I now work I am given greater respect.

My only downside was the tragic loss of my parents to a horrific road accident last spring in fog. I never got closure on their deaths. I adored Dad, I loved my mother even though we never got on.

The help I received here at PC for the bereavement has been tremendous, both from forum staff and members. I am getting well again, and with grateful thanks.

Rosie

[Lilly2]

((((safe hugs)))) @Access Denied

Originally Posted by Access Denied

Loud-talking guys ogle me as I lean across the cafe table enjoying my coffee. I can feel their collective gazes crawling over me like ants. They've been staring at me all time I've been at this cafe, elbowing each other like they've never seen a pair of boobs before. The downside of being beautiful is that it draws creeps out of the woodwork and makes them feel entitled to treat me like a piece of meat. If Juni had been with me, she'd have jumped the table and whacked the grins off their faces. It wouldn't have been the first time. This is why I took on Laura: to help my daughter go through the early stages of growing up, and to help me overcome my low self-esteem. But my biggest fantasy is one of the guys seeing me as their doctor, and I prescribe them a strong laxative instead of what they need as a patient. In my dreams.

I'm so sorry you struggle with this. This objectifying beautiful women while undermining their humanity and intelligence sickens me sometimes. It's one thing to be admired for your beauty, but another to cat call, harass, take advantage of, stigmatize, etc. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Being attractive had a negative effect on me for unwantingly becoming a man magnet. A series of failed relationships put me off them big time, and recently a non-starter relationship with my friend after ten years almost made me a recluse for fear of being hurt, over and over again. I recognised the friendship had turned abusive and jumped clear. Bbecause being beautiful can be threatening. In the past it sparked defence in me. Consequently I took lessons in unarmed combat which became useful over the years because self-defence is an advantage against the more unruly patients out to get a hit. Or when going home from work - was I being followed? Would I have to react again in self-defence? Once into my truck I'd feel safe again.

Stalking and harassment are scary, indeed! Self-defense classes and "capable guardianship" (e.g., having protective tools or human supports) do help with many things, including preventing future victimization, but it's not fair that you are treated so badly for your beauty. Your beauty should be something you feel safe with. (((safe hugs)))

Despite having low esteem, I learnt to become assertive. Assertiveness even stopped nastiness from other women, jealous because of my good looks. Walking into a room, girls would take immediate note of my presence and many of them would look resentful at my attractiveness. Rushes of jealousy became visible on their faces and I was met with everything from glares, stares and even bitterness. Still, my attractiveness is having to be constantly worked on, yet I have to look presentable all the time I'm on duty. It's a constant balance to look good when applying makeup, but not deliberately go out to look seductive.

It's sad when people are jealous, too. In addition to those who noxiously admire your beauty, there are those who are jealous of it, from what you are sharing. That's harmful, too. They don't understand that it's not easy for you, and they don't see the harms that you've dealt with. They also don't know how to be happy for someone else. It's good to know that you have learned to assert yourself! It's also good to know that you have a wonderful family and support system. I'm so sorry, again, for all that you're struggling with.

Citing Anderson and Nida (1978): 'Highly attractive people of the same sex were judged as less talented than average-looking people'. Consequently my becoming a doctor changed that perception somewhat except it was to my emotional cost of becoming very lonely, afraid to engage with people in a social way. An example of this was my medical talent has not easily been acknowledged.

Stereotype threat DOES affect our abilities to think, perform, and regulate our emotions. There are studies on that, too, but fewer studies exist on how beauty is misjudged, especially the beauty of women. Women are not trophies to be won or objects to take possession of. Women are human beings with many talents and potentials. I'm so sorry that you struggle from the ill-mannered judgment of so many people. There are ways to overcome stereotype threat, and I think assertiveness training coupled with affirmations do help. There may be other tools as well, such as social support, but I'm not familiar with the other tools.

Surely my looks would be just too good to be true for me to be considered as intelligent? Instead, newcomers froze at my dazzling smile and bewitching eyes, and they just can't get their eyes off me. And when I was with my best friend, she wouldn't introduce me to her boyfriend for fear of losing him to me. When I felt something was wrong and I asked, she admitted to feeling intimidated by my attractiveness, and then said it wasn't possible to be friends with me anymore. Oh well, that is life. But then, insecure and jealous women would love to see me fall. Consequently, this is why I needed to take extra care to protect myself, but at the same time not hurting anyone.

Self-care is important, and so are affirmations. You deserve to maximize your potentials! You deserve to be treated with respect! You deserve to feel safe and be safe. I'm so sorry that all these poor judgments from others have affected you. It sounds like your strengths help you to overcome such adversities, but still, it hurts.

I tried counselling, but it didn't help, though my best decision was wearing mirrored sunglasses to lessen the impact of being stared at. Men, even teenage boys would eye me in the street and wolf whistle. I'd avoid going near building sites, for those places are the worst and I would avoid sites like plague.

I'm sorry that the bad behaviors of others have limited your freedoms. Toxic environments do exist, and it's sad when beautiful women are targeted in such places. I hope that one day you will have enough "capable guardianship" to be able to visit those places with minimal fear. I can definitely understand your avoidance, however. You are protecting yourself from likely harms, and I'm so sorry that vile people create toxic and threatening environments. You deserve freedom and safety, and it sucks when deviancy nearly ameliorates freedom and safety. They may not have morals or anything to lose, but law-abiding citizens with moral do in such cases, it seems. If anything, their behaviors should be illegal and sanctioned with incapacitation (jail/prison time).

I'm blonde with piercing blue eyes, and each are ringed with dark edges. My eyes, beautiful as they are can look larger when I apply eyeliner and mascara and I like that look. But that never stopped people wherever I went, even in supermarkets. Consequently I retreated into myself, afraid for that fear returning: what would they do to me? My teenage years were painful, too, so I stayed at home and did extra studies, avoiding social media only because I couldn't be bothered or felt too tired. But the reality of being on social media was attracting all the wrong people who just want to get me laid, and that is why I developed a distrust even in my very closest friends.

I am so sorry you struggled with that. You should feel proud of your features and free to be who you are without worry about your safety. I may not understand what it feels like to be beautiful (I'm not), but I do understand what it feels like to be an object and a victim. It's horrible, it's imprisoning, and it's isolating. I hope that your life is filled with more safety and freedom and caring others who admire who you are as a whole person, not just what appears beautiful on the outside, but what is also beautiful within. Both can be admired in a safe way, but it's hard to pick up on safe social cues when there was so much harm done in the past and so many rational triggers in the present.

Some suggested I took up modeling, but why should I put my body out there to be objectified? So next time you see a hot woman, don't assume she's taken or has a full social life, or that she's never lonely. Because you never know what sad experiences lie behind that perfect smile. Shunning parties I stayed at home to study paediatrics. Being hit on by collagues (which is tantamount to sexual harrassment) in my previous hospital job caused me to be self-effacing, yet people wrongly assumed that my attractiveness would have the opposite effect.

I'm so sorry you dealt with that trauma. (((safe hugs)))

Looking back, I remember some went gone out of their way to harrass me on social media. And then there are those who find it easy to quickly hate me once they realised that I'm articulate as well as attractive. Because as soon as you possess a few of the traits most valued by our society - beauty, intelligence, a sense of humour, etc. - you have officially become the target of fuming resent. This was why half my activities was to work around that and try not to do anything to further aggravate the problem. And gradually, gradually, I realised the good things I was doing were bringing joy and happiness back into my life. And there came hope.

I'm glad you found hope in the midst of such horrible traumas in your life - from harassment to cyberstalking and other traumas. It wasn't fair that you lost your freedoms to be, to explore, to engage with others without harm to you, but it's great that you were proactive with your ambitions and dreams. Still, no amount of success you've achieved should undermine the pain of all that you went through. Jealousy adds to those past traumas. I hope that your life is filled with people who are not jealous, but rather happy for you - as a person.

Even when my daughter's minder Laura arrived, everything changed for the better despite it being only a short time. Now, being seen with her has put stop to this constant harrassment. Men still stare as they will, but they look at Laura and stay away. I've had to tell my daughter to wear sunglasses lest she receives the same treatment from boys, but she's far better about handling it than me despite inheriting my attractiveness. She also gave me permission to share this, lovely that she is.

You're a great mother, and your daughter, from what you've shared with me, is very well protected and protective! You have a wonderful family, a strong family, and a safe family! Your family rocks! Your friend Laura rocks, too!

In the end I realised it would be best if I just go for a stroll along the beach with Laura and my daughter for company. Bubbly company. Linking arms with mummy company. Loving mummy because she is kind and caring and putting her daughter first before everything, and Laura loving being with me because she's already been there and come back from the nastiness of jealous people in the same situation, and laughs at life just like my bubbly daughter. Because that is how I define beauty in joy now. Joy and knowing happiness comes from within, and tough if no-one recognises that.

I'm so glad you found joy, hope, and happiness, despite all that you've been through. You have a wonderful family and supportive network, and you all deserve to enjoy life and feel safe.

[Anonymous42019]

Thank you very much for sharing all that @Lilly2

You're a true friend and so understanding.

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Access Denied

Thank you very much for sharing all that @Lilly2

You're a true friend and so understanding.

@Access Denied

Thank you for posting this! And for being my friend.

I think what you posted is an area that needs more attention in society. You've dealt with so much in life, and I think there are others who can relate to what you've experienced. I'm just sad that all this happened to you (and others with similar experiences). (((safe hugs)))

[nicoleflynn]

People tell me I am beautiful and gorgeous at 73! Not sure I feel that, but am always appreciative.

[Anonymous42019]

Originally Posted by Lilly2

@Access Denied

Thank you for posting this! And for being my friend.

I think what you posted is an area that needs more attention in society. You've dealt with so much in life, and I think there are others who can relate to what you've experienced. I'm just sad that all this happened to you (and others with similar experiences). (((safe hugs)))

Thank you @Lilly2 And true friendship is rare, but special.

Much as I agree with you that this topic should be discussed more openly in other places, but without self-centredness and barely disguised judgemental remarks, I don't think this is ever going to be happening. Especially from a certain type of men because they think differently from women, and act very differently and most definitely with sarcasm. If the previous man got at me again or sniped at my child who inherited my looks, I wouldn't hesitate to smash him right in the face.

I am mostly over the issue that once weighed so heavily on me. Now I've about to start a relationship with someone very special and who adores my daughter, I believe that what I had been going through will eventually fade into nothingness.