Daily Comments #7- Just place to plant your thoughts. No feedback required.

Whyyyyy are we more able to sleep when we have nothing to do the next day???

So, I mentioned the concept of "Flow" to someone that is struggling at work with adjusting, many know i have issues with that myself-- but it is always nice to get that look like your off your rocker completely.

the look of also "What do you mean not to be noticed and to do something for a feeling with in yourself?"

Crazy idea I know...

just got discharged from the hospital the other day. i asked to be admitted. while i still had my electronic devices with me so i could still tweet/fb/forum/call, i felt tired and didn't want to use any of these.

throughout the stay, i felt no more than just a patient. i'm just a patient meant to be probed through and through so as to keep the case file updated. i'm not a human in their eyes, and i'm just a patient being thrown theories at. my wishes weren't granted, and mind you they were reasonable wishes that didn't go out of line. all that made me feel was that i'm just a person stuck with a label. i hate this. i'm starting to lose hope in all this. the people who signed up for a career to help people seem to only want to help themselves; they care about themselves more than us.

maybe i should stick a label on my forehead and say "i am not a lab rat."

and oh, did i say that i was interviewed by the medical students many times? how does that make me feel? oh wait, i forgot, i'm just a specimen. did i mention that my current psychiatrist is a resident? and she's leaving next month and the next psychiatrist will ALSO be a resident?

i'm just a lab rat. yup, nothing more than a lab rat with a label on my forehead "Dx: major depression. warning: suicide precaution. please bombard her with chemicals so as to make her feel "better.""

they only talk about symptoms, research, drugs... what about me as a human?

It's been a hard week. It seems every time I start feeling okay somethig happens that causes me to spiral downward again. I also believe I'm clinging too much to people and it's going to cause them to leave me.....again.

Oh. Even better than the flu? E coli.

Bloody hell.

Who ever came up with the concept that certain foods were only to be eaten certain times of the day? Food does not grow with a time of day stamped on it. Forget the breakfast meals supposedly mean only for mornings. Eat anything from the four food groups any time of day. These breakfast foods are unhealthy options anyway.

This is to prove how my H makes mountains out of mole hills. He called me and said to move my car out of the driveway near the garage to the front where another car is...then move that car somewhere else. He wanted that other car moved to the other side but I thought he meant where my car was. He left a partially filled coffee mug right in front of the door near the garage.

I had to pick up D from track and field practice ...saw the cup and put it to the side intending to pick it up later. We come home with groceries, backpacks and track bag (hands full) and I forgot to pick up the cup. He comes home at 9:30 and is all mad because the cup got knocked over and the car wasn't parked in the right spot. He even has the nerve to call me "negligent" for not picking up the cup. This is his fricking cup. This goes on for 15 mins and then I wake up to frigid coldness this morning. I can't wait until I find a job and get out for good. I honestly hate him sometimes.

I watched Chasing Mavericks last night and it made me feel so good. I remember that time like it was yesterday and am carrying it with me in my heart. Good times being a teenager in those days

I love listening to birds chirping and singing.

Frack!.......

Finally getting everything sorted out!

Sunshine!!

I am in one of those places where everything needs to be done and I want to get it all done. Accomplish something!
But then I think of all that needs done and its so overwhelming an monumentous...and I think I cannot possibly do it all...and then I want to say screw it.
Then I think of what a useless human I will feel like if I dont get off my backside and do something, anything, even if I only get 1 thing done its better than sitting on my tookus and doing nothing.
This is how I start out most of my days...my brain is not my friend.

You all laugh because I am different, I laugh because you are all the same.

It's weird when the universe opens up and suddenly I can have anything I want. It happens so rarely, I don't know what to do with it when it does. So much choice right now. I just want to make the right ones. I want to have the best life I possibly can right now. I am so excited to go to school, to learn things again, to work on a degree. I am excited to work on creative projects. I am excited to feel like I am FINALLY living the life I want to be living.
**** money.

Stephen Fry on Confidence - YouTube

Odd how people can be in the same place having the same experience, but come away with entirely different opinions: 'they' loved it and had fun, and I can only think 'they' are a bunch of a-holy people who see nothing wrong with their constant noisy disruptions and power plays.

It's amazing to me how much richness can exist in a single moment. I have had such an incredible day, and I didn't spend any money. I didn't have to travel to an exotic place or get all dressed up and feel uncomfortable. I spent time with people I care about and did things I enjoy. When I pause, and take the moments for what they are, I really love my life.

Just when you think something good might actually be happening, life comes and dumps a bunch of CRAP on it.

Monday. Bleh.

Meh what ever

never mind

Didnt have a great night's sleep My brain would not turn off and I was not tired (I think I am officially well- rested) so I didn't get to sleep until about 3. Before I finally drifted off, I thought "I never stay up this late! Thankfully, I can sleep in for a bit ... if I had to get up at my regular time - 430 - I would be toast!"

Kitteh had other plans, though! He woke me up at 430, 630 and 8! I feel awful right now. It is as if I didnt sleep at all (he kept waking me up in the middle of dreams. The worst).

I finally just gave in and got up with him. Within 15 minutes of my getting up, he went to sleep. Go figure

My sons were my life, my purpose. There is no purpose in my life anymore. No companions. My meds look awfully tempting. Twice now I have had the thoughts.

I am so nauseous that I can't even eat lunch. And I am sick as a dog. I feel like something the dog dragged in. Plus my back still hurts, and come to find out it's not just sprained, but my pelvis is fractured at the ileosacral joint.