[Lobster Hands]

Come on guys and gals, lets stay positive! Just post one or however many jokes or funny things you want.

-You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy. (yup that was cheesy)

- Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. (haha that one got me!)

-I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap. (oh gosh that's great!)

Your turn!

[Lobster Hands]

Sorry...I know I didn't wait my turn but I liked this one a lot.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

[Lobster Hands]

RAAAAHHH...this one was personal...sorry again!

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

Okay, that's it from me!

[LadyShadow]

Here's mine for the day!

Why are ghosts bad liars?

Because you can see right through them

[Nicks_Nose]

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
approached the table & asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
"but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
The third piggy says,
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[RichardBrooks]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. the bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal were playing hide-and-seek. Einstein closed his eyes and began to count; Pascal immediately hid; and Newton drew a square on the ground measuring 1 meter on each side and stood in the middle of it. When Einstein finished counting, he opened his eyes, pointed at Newton, who was standing right in front of him, and said "I found Pascal!"

[Webgoji]

How do you make a tissue dance?

Waaait for it ... waaaaait for it ...

Put a little boogey on it!



I know ... boooo!

[Nicks_Nose]

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"

The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"

The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

[LadyShadow]

Here's a story from Bed, Bath, And Way, Way Beyond

In the hardware store, a 
clerk asked, “Can I help you find 
anything?”

“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.

The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.

[dillpickle1983]

Here is a gay joke, and I can get away with it because, well I am gay...

Q: What do you call a gay drive by?
A: A fruit rollup.

[BennyHill]

What's brown and sticky? A stick
What do you call a boomerang that wont come back? A stick

Enjoy the stick jokes

[Gr3tta]

Guy walks into a bar. ... Ow!

It is so impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things literally.

[Contrabanned]

The Beatles have re-formed and made a new album. It's mostly drum and bass.

[Nicks_Nose]

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just walks into the room quietly and sits down in a chair, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table as he waits for her to wake up.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, honey," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

[Raindropvampire]

Two shrinks are having lunch and the first one says to the second "Please pass the sex." The second one says "I think you meant to say fork. That was a Freudian Slip my friend." The first shrink says "Yes I know that's my second today." "This morning I was having breakfast with my mom. I meant to ask her to pass me the salt but what came out was YOU HORRIBLE HATEFUL HARPY YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" hehehehehehe

[Mike_J]

A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[Contrabanned]

A drunk stumbled into the back of a taxi. He leaned towards the driver and said: "Excuse me, have you got room for a lobster and three bottles of wine on your front seat? ""I think so" said the driver.
"Good" replied the drunk, and he threw up.

[Nicks_Nose]

A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some BB from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.

The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!''
She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine.''

Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.''

Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

Pa-Pa-Pa-Poker Her Face, Pa-Pa-Poker Her Face!



ps. I'm loving them all, but Nicks Nose's Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home will be the first joke I tell at work tomorrow! Thanks, Nick!

Frank was on a really long flight and he had brought a bag of fruit with him to nomnom on. After a while he gets hungry, takes a plum outta the bag and starts munching. A guy in the seat next to him looks at him and says :"What's that you've got there?", Frank looks at him funny but answers politely "A plum". Guy says "Phew, back home we've got plums THIS (This!!) big". Whatever, right, Frank shakes it off and proceeds to bite into an apple and again the guy asks "whatcha got there". Frank again answers it's an apple ad the guy goes "Back home we have apples THIIIS big". Whatevs,huh. After a while Frank is still hungry and pulls a watermelon outta the bag and the douche goes "What's that". Frank sighs and goes "it's a GODDARN PEA is what it is YOU MOTHERFORKLIFT!!"

[tokiwartooth]

A Man was in a big supermarket buying a 2 large bags of dog biscuits for his 2 dogs.

He was standing in the queue at the till when the woman behind him asked if he had a dog.
Thinking it was a very stupid question he replied on impulse. “No, I’m starting The Dog Food Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but by then I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.”
Shocked, the woman said “50 pounds?”.
“Yes”, he replied, “it was essentially the perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with dog biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I am going to try it again.”
At this point everyone in the queue was enthralled with the story.
However the woman was horrified and asked if he’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because he had been poisoned.
“No”, he said “It was because I was sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.”

[CaptainKirk]

Usually my chemistry jokes get no reaction...seems like they're Boron people to death.
So Argon walks into a bar...and the bar tender says, "We don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.
Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one says "I've lost my charge." The second one says "Are you sure?" and the first one says "Yes...I'm positive."
But don't trust atoms. They make up everything.

[LiteraryLark]

[Nicks_Nose]

Music Joke

An E-flat, F-flat, and a G-flat walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender says:

"Sorry, I don't serve minors here."