What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

[jlove973]

ROTFLMBO

These are awesome jokes Keep'em comin'

A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried
eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink, humoring
him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc, I'm worried about
my brother."

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.

[sparkling]

"Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts."
"Shut up and eat what's put in front of you."

"Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?"
"Shut up and flush."

"Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?"
"Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested."

[jlove973]

That's hilarious Sparkling

The Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[katheryn]

Two mates loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for
a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they
could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed" she explained. I'm afraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house. "Don't worry," Jack
said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a Lawyer.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that
it was from the Lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed
at on our ski holiday up North?".

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to
admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I
did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep
that smile for the rest of the day.

[jlove973]

<font color="#000088"> Online Banking </font>

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I'm not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
________________________________________________________________
<font color="#000088">First Savings Acct.</font>

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

______________________________________________________________

<font color="#000088">Christmas Present </font>

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it." <font color="red"> </font>

[nothemama8]

A farmer was milking his cow one morning , he was getting a good rythum going when a bug flew into the barn it circled around the farmers head then flew into the cows ear, a few mintues later it squirted into the bucket
"in one ear and out the udder"

Painting the Kitchen
There was a Blonde and her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."

[froggie2]

[jlove973]

Ponderings

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license
to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

[Rio_]

From http://www.guardian.co.uk/britain/ar...008166,00.html

Tony Blair is visiting a hospital.

"How are you today?" he asks the old man in the first bed.

"Wee sleekit cow'rin' tim'rous beastie," screams the man at him, so he moves on.

"And how are you?" he asks the second patient.

"Some hae meat but cannae eat!" yells this one.

"Hmm," says Tony to the doctor. "Is this the psychiatric unit?"

"Naw - it's the Serious Burns Unit."

[therealme]

A list of redneck computer terms

Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

[jlove973]

I love it I love redneck jokes!

[therealme]

a scotsman, an essex girl and an alien walk into a bar.
the landlord looks up and says, " what the hell is this? some kind of joke?"

[therealme]

how many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb, ?
two: one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.......

[(JD)]

Marriage Counseling:

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years of marriage. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least 3 x a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday, I play golf."

[Bethsway]

what is the difference between elephants and grapes?
Their color...
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?
Here come the elephants!
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
Here come the grapes...he was color blind! lol

[jlove973]

<font color="red">THESES ARE SOME GREAT WONS!!! </font>

----- A Reasonable Wife---------

I have been married 36 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 36 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good looking 18 year old.
Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."


My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18 year old beautiful girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, no car, no money, no TV and sleeping on a sofa bed.


Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises



mandy