[-jimi-]

Long ago, like ten years, I had a pretty nasty experience online. I belonged to a now closed (from mismanagement) mental health site where I was a quite stable part given moderator status, made friends, came close to people. It was both bigger and smaller than here, chat was bigger, forum was smaller. It all went well until two things happened. One was my new doc made me a med guinea pig mixed with periods where she just took away all meds. Needless to say I became quite unstable and easier to upset. The other thing, another member decided to destroy me.

Why? I saw through her attempts to play with my head. She had played other people in the past I learned later, some with very scary results. So I needed just not to talk to her. If I had known better I could have done something to make her lose interest in me. Instead I basically rejected her. Her pride was so hurt she decided to destroy my existence at the forum. I was unprepared for such lies. She basically told everyone the things she had done to me, I had done to her! What I had done was protect myself from her, by not communicating, nothing more.

I was very surprised how well her manipulating works, but yea, it wasn't the first time she did it, not the last either. I found myself with almost as many enemies as I before had friends. Only three people remained untouched by the situation and are still my friends, the rest pretty much as much as you can do in a non-physical environment, beat me to a bloody pulp.

Since I was so emotionally invested in the site and the people, it hurt me bad. I basically swore than if anything would even upset me the slightest, I would walk off. That I would not waste time and energy on things I cannot change. Pretty much why I took a break from here. Some things made it not worth it.

Also I have noticed that I am very reluctant to make friends. You know real friends. That can hurt you. Since I keep people at arms length I'm sure people here think I'm a callous person that is not worth it, but of course most don't even know I exist. Which was fine for a good while.

What is the problem is that I seem to do care about others. There are several here that have a good head on their shoulders, that take time to write purposeful posts and stand their ground in a way I find quite amazing. Yet, of course not many of them have any high thoughts about me, which in a way I can understand. Still, I guess it bothers me.

I'm quite in another mindset now from when leaving, I noticed some things started to upset me and they don't matter anymore. Still I wonder, should I even be here? Is there a place for me on a site like this? I'm simply not one of those radiant souls who sort of make a difference and will be seen. And I seem to annoy people not even meaning to. If all I can be is being an annoyance, it's not right for me to be very active here. Because I wish people well, people have enough to deal with that are negative.

I know it's rather blunt and unpleasant to ask if I'm welcome. But I feel I need to know. Afterall, I can only be me. I come with both my personality and my history.

[Pikku Myy]

I am very glad you are back jimi missed you.

[Yoda]

You are always welcome

[unaluna]

I think i get you confused with some people with similar names and or attitudes, but i do enjoy all of yas.

Still posts like this always remind me of the peanuts comic strips where charlie brown announces he is back from camp or vacation, and mean ol lucy always says, oh were you gone? Wonh wonh wonh...! welcome back!!

[Sanada]

Hi jimi. I think what happened to you sux loads. I never got to know you properly in the chat rooms in PC. I remember meeting you. I hope you are OK and this bad experience does not phase you.
TGC

[MuseumGhost]

Dearest Jimi....

You have always had so many wonderful and helpful and compassionate things to say, ever since I first arrived here.

I would think You would be welcomed anywhere you go!!

I had two very similar experiences on another site, and I am so sorry to find that it has happened to you as well.

It was devastating for me at the time, and the woman who set out to 'destroy me' and take her vengeance out on me really took things to extreme limits. And all because, originally, I had sought to be her friend.---but she found she could not manipulate and mini-manage me.

Massive hugs---this stuff can be so damaging, especially when we are newbies and suffering from so many other, unknown, disturbing circumstances already. I really hope someone as nice as you can rally, and realize that folks who behave like this are to be pitied, rather than punished. They have their punishment already, it seems to me---they have to live with themselves.

Welcome welcome welcome back and please, pull up a chair and stick around!!!

OOXX

[-jimi-]

Ten people being positive towards me. It's more than I EVER expected!

What can I say, thanks.

[Nammu]

Jimi I have to disagree with you , I have found that you too write thoughtful and purposeful post here.

I too have trouble letting people get close to me, not just out in the world but here on PC. I don't PM much and the form where you post to friends is difficult for me. I tried chat a couple times but I felt too vulnerable there and haven't been there in years. For me I've noticed when I'm feeling vulnerable I get more fearful of getting hurt. Then usually a couple things happen. One is that my responses get shorter, I tend to project paranoia into both what I write and how I understand what other are writing. I once was gone for a year from PC.

I've never been part of another web site, mental health or otherwise, no fb for me I'm not that brave. If you needed to take time off I belive that most of the people on this site will understand. You are welcome.

[possum220]

-jimi- glad you are back. At times it can be good to have a break.

[-jimi-]

Twelve...

Thanks for understanding. That is rare.

[pegasus]

Hello -jimi- Welcome back!

Hi Jimi...was good to read your post. I nearly took leave from here just recently because of certain mounting difficulties. It happens yes. In clearer times I know this is an important place for me...even in bits and pieces. Just to be with people who might better understand. People who I can empathize with too because of a certain understanding myself.

Among us here, even small similarities in life experience seems to impart a particular empathy and an honest acceptance. For the most part I think that's so. We've all shared similar shoes on some common paths. It's easier to feel safe here and BE safe here because of that. That and the exemplary way this site is seen to by the Moderators and staff. They keep a good eye on the proceedings and that's so important here.

Back to welcomes and such...

Hey Jimi...You are welcomed back it seems! Welcome back from me too. Take 'er easy ok?

[Sabrina]

It is good to practice self care. Welcome back