What would you do?

Hypothetically speaking I was…suggested as a solution to a young woman’s problem.

My husband and I have taken in people in need several times during our marriage. It is always stressful but there but by the Grace of God go I. The last time it was horrible and we said never again (unless it is family of course).

This young woman and her 4 year old daughter need a place to stay. She has family here but does not want to stay with them. I confess that I was never fully committed to this but I was willing to grit my teeth and bear it. The more I talked to the woman the more it became apparent that this would not be an ideal living situation. She’s pretty self-entitled and likes to play the victim. I prefer giving a hand up rather than a hand out.

The topic of her daughter came up. Truth be told the daughter was the only reason that I was willing to even consider this. I love children and it’s not their fault that their parents make poor life choices. As it turns out the daughter has a peanut allergy. That’s a problem. Hubby and son #1 are doing Atkins, nuts are their snack of choice, particularly peanuts. We buy them from Costco in huge cans.

Other than that, there is the fact that my grandchildren are frequently here. They eat peanut butter and other foods with peanuts in them. The fact that peanuts are a main staple in our diet isn’t the only problem, there is the extensive cleaning that would be required to make sure that the child did not come in to contact with the dust. The toys that my grandchildren have here, and the ones they bring with them when they come to stay; just to state the obvious.

When I attempted to discuss this with the woman she became indignant. Initially I was looking for her suggestions on how we would go about minimizing the risk that her daughter be exposed. Then I became irritated. You want me to keep my grandchildren out of a playroom that I made for them? Well that’s just not going to happen. The more demands she made (and they were demands) the more that I knew for sure that this was just not going to work out. I told her that I was sorry but we were not going to be able to help her. We had no idea how long she’d be staying!

Now the word on the street is that I am an @sshole because I wouldn’t take this family into my home because her daughter has an allergy. The mutual friend that came up with the idea says she understands, but I know what she’s saying behind my back. She has some valid points, I WOULD move heaven and earth to get this done if it were one of my grandchildren. But I did not refuse because of the little girl, I refused because her mother is an annoying flake. FYI when this was still in the planning stages and I was discussing the cleaning required she couldn’t help because of the possible exposure. Umm, you’re coming into my home rent free; you have special requirements that you’re not even willing to assist with the prep work? I don’t know this woman from Eve and she expects me to turn my life inside out? It’s too much.

Having a day my anxiety is high tonight..
I just wanted you to know that YES you made the right choice. I would do anything for my grandchildren as well
Sounds to me she is not appreciating or respecting what you have to say..


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you didn't even have to take her in in the first place, she is out of place telling you what to do!!!

As one who has also opened my home, if they are unable or unwilling to help or be amenable they don't need to stay. You aren't responsible for her life choices and don't owe her a home/food. The family I took in had lost a daughter in a home fire and were not only grateful but as helpful as they could be in the circumstance. You did right for your own family and that comes first regardless of the heartstrings that are being pulled. Good for you for a healthy choice

Thanks! I know that it was a good healthy choice but I still feel guilty, and a little selfish. There were red flags flying all over the place. This time I was going to set some boundaries. For example, there was going to be an end date. I have a very good reason, not just my sanity. My sons, wife and child are coming home to visit for a month later in the spring. I needed to be sure she knew that there was an expiration on my hospitality. The straw that broke my back was when she suggested that my son, his wife, and baby could stay at her parents place. Excuse me! No.

I was just thinking about you! i agree, best to stay out of this one.

You're so awesome! You were bound to come across a bad seed eventually. Keep doing what your doing and things will blow over Luv

Hey Hankster! Hope you're doing well.

Thanks for the support guys. It is so frustrating that people that aren't willing to put themselves out are the first ones pass judgement. They all had excuses for not getting involved but I'm the bad guy.

You are not the bad guy at all, AAAA. The story is being misconstrued by your community somehow. The important part is that YOU and your HUB know the real story.

Btw, it sure sounds like the girl in need of assistance is behaving as though she feels important. Like, it is your duty to help herself and daughter. That is ridiculous! One other thing: people with peanut allergies tend to have extreme reactions to the allergen. It could be very unsafe to continue eating peanuts and peanut butter anywhere in the household. That said, you absolutely made the right decision.

Hopefully, someone else will be able to help that girl and her daughter soon.

Blood is thicker than water in this instance. You made the right choice. Being in that sort of position, its other people's problem if they want to talk behind your back. Love and light your way

Thanks again. I'm no expert on allergies such as these, I knew that we would have to eliminate these things from our house, even make sure that the grandkids didn't eat them before coming over (apparently even particles left on their clothes, hands, or mouth can transfer to things in the house and make the girl sick).

It wasn't all of those drastic changes that bothered me, it was the mom's unwillingness to help create a safe environment for her daughter. If it were me I would need to be there to make sure that every inch was scrubbed so that I could sleep at night. She doesn't know me but was perfectly willing to assume that I'd do what needed to be done.

She does have a family support system. As I understand it, and take it for what's its worth, because that same grape vine has me as a selfish @ss, her parents are unwilling to be a built in babysitter while she goes out and parties. She is able to go there but would have to follow her parents house rules. I understand that. My kids are all adults, most with kids of their own, but when they come home they still have to call if they're going to be late etc.

My first thought reading your story was: wow, what a b****. I'm talking about the mother, of course. That she wouldn't even help clean the hose to make sure her own daughter isn't exposed to something potentially lethal - and I can't stress this enough - speaks volumes about the kind of person she is. Pardon my bluntness, but if she can't be bothered to care for your own children, maybe she shouldn't have children at all.

There was no reason on God's green earth for you to put up with such a person, and there is no reason for you to feel guilty or selfish. You're human, you have boundaries (and good for you!). Give yourself a little break; the fact that you were even willing to help in the first place is amazing, most people wouldn't even do that.

(((AAAAA))) Don't EVEN feel try to feel guilty about this one. If something were to happen to her child, she'd place the blame on you - and it could destroy your entire family. If people in town criticize you for this, tell THEM to take her in.

She's expecting way too much of you. We ALL know your a "peanut family" - even named one of your own after the famous nut.

BTW - been thinking about you and wondering about Peanut.

Of course, she expected everything to be done *for* her. She just wanted a hassle-free free ride. She needed to do most of the work since its her child. Very unfortunate we cant pick our family hope you're not feeling guilty. You did the right thing

What other people think of me is not my business.... Lovely quote from Alanon. I have to keep reminding myself of this when *stuff* happens. :-)

If you have made a good healthy choice & you have made a wise decision based on all the facts......why are YOU feeling guilty...or maybe why are you allowing others to make you feel guilty? Where is your own self-esteem & self-confidence in knowing that what you did is right & standing up for yourself & the wise choices you make in your own life?

Trust your gut feelings these are typically correct. If this happens again, remember, you as a person can only help so many and should feel proud of those you already have. Somehow, we emit an aura of an care taker.... often we need to take care of ourselves and forget. People who are not as giving or sensitive to other humans well being, do take advantage.

I thank you for all you do