The 'happiness comes from within' fallacy

This is a pet peeve of mine: some people's belief that happiness is a choice and can be created internally regardless of external circumstances or internal physiology.

I've even seen it hurt people I know with mental illness as their loved ones undermine the real symptoms they experience which impede their ability to live flourishing lives.

Over the past ten years, having gone through a medical science bachelors, and a bit of life experience, I've figured that 'happiness' pretty much boils down to these things:

1) Am I living a healthy life style, eating well, exercising, no drugs, not smoking, no binge drinking?
2) Am I maintaining positive relationships with the people in my life?
3) Am I free of mental and physical symptoms that would impede contentment?
4) Am I financially secure enough to feed, clothe, and house myself consistently?

No matter how hard you try, if one of those building blocks isn't present, you're most likely going to experience anxiety and/or depression.

I also believe that those that grow up in violence and chaos rarely have a firm foundation established ... Resilience is shaky or totally non-existent and, therefore, there is no point of reference to return to in order to reestablish a firm foothold in order to continue forward ... Making the work twice as hard simply to exist and survive before one can even hope to begin to relax enough to find those moments of contentment, happiness, comfort and security ... At least this is how Pfrog has seen and experienced it.

That's a good point thanks. Reminds me of 'wilted orchid' theory. People who are highly sensitive to their environment tend to flourish in positive conditions, and wilt in negative conditions.

Excellent post. Thank you.

Hi Desafinado, I understand your viewpoint very well. My stance on this subject has morphed, over the years, as I gained more life experience. I think that, earlier in life, my viewpoint was pretty much the same as yours.

I would like to offer you my perspective, not to disagree with you or attempt to prove you wrong (that would be silly and futile) ... I have no such aim. I'm saying this only so you may get a fresh perspective on this subject, for your benefit. What you choose to do with my words is entirely up to you.

I think we can all agree that this is not a black or white subject, right ? There is a huge grey area. Also, you probably realize that the definition of "happiness" that you provided is one that is tailored to your life and life situation. It may not be how everyone defines happiness.

Furthermore, I'd like to base what I have to say on the common expressions ... "take it (advice) with a grain of salt" and "don't take it (advice) at face value". I think this means that, when someone gives you advice, it may not all be valuable; by the same token, it may not all be worthless. Or, what is said might need some translation/interpretation before it makes sense to you. There will probably be some truth to it, given that you're open to really understanding the advice being given.

Having said that, I'd like to get to the point.

Yes, I agree that the expression "happiness comes from within" is so cliche and is often spoken with such certainty that you, as the listener, would naturally immediately resist it and doubt it. Superficially, it is almost entirely meaningless. The words are so simple that one really has to go far deeper (i.e. read between the lines) to understand what it means. Also, what it means to you may be completely different from what it means to someone else.

I'll tell you what it means to me, given my life experience. Life is tough ... really tough ... but, once we surrender to that simple fact ... that we cannot possibly juggle everything that constitutes our life - health, job, finances, relationships, politics, hobbies, etc. without running into obstacles, some worse than others, then we can approach what I call "happiness".

To me, happiness is not the naive and superficial high that arises from "Hey, I got a raise today !", or "Hey, I just bought a BMW !". That is a temporary high, in the roller coaster of emotions.

Now, once we really accept that, and surrender to it, we can ***allow***, not ignore, not diminish, not undermine, but ***allow***, those hardships to be, only then can we rise above the unhappiness.

What then results is hard to define. Some may call it happiness. Others may call it peace. Whatever it is, it is a state in which we allow the pain to be, but we are ok with it because we know that it is inevitable, and we continue to move forward and make progress (whatever that means to us personally) anyway. That acceptance is critical.

Now, when they say "comes from within", what they are really alluding to is that state of acceptance, which can only come from within. They're not saying, "Oh, everything is ok. Your problems don't exist." What they're implying is that "I know that you have serious problems in life. But, accept that life is hard, and that you don't have to let it get you down." They're also implying that we don't need to take everything in our lives deadly seriously ! Our job ... we missed a deadline ... "Oh crap !" ... Earth-shattering event, right ?!!! Or, we go through a breakup with a bf/gf ... end of the world, right ? A few days/hours/months later, not really

I cannot "convince" you that life is ok, despite all the hardships. Only you can come to that realization. That's what that expression really means.

The bottom line is.... what you call a "fallacy", I call a deep and complex but undeniable truth

Feel free to disagree with everything I've said. It won't bother me. As I said, I wrote this for your sake, not mine (I already know what I know)

Your post really hit home for me. I've developed a similar belief. I've found peace in being able to accept that life is going to throw unpleasant things my way. That doesn't mean I'm happy through those events. I allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling. Doing so has brought me peace in my life.

This is a really great post, thank you.

Acceptance is something I think about a lot but never would have thought to tie it to this idea of happiness.

To be honest I made this thread at a few forums and I think this is the best critique of my thoughts, so thanks again.

My friend, you are most welcome I'm so very glad you found my words helpful.

If I may state the following, I notice a couple of positives about you, from your post and this response.

1 - You are a deep thinker ... to be thinking about this subject in the first place, to ponder the meaning of happiness and contemplate how it comes about ... is a good sign !
2 - You are open to hearing others' ideas/critiques ... although I didn't intend to critique you, you were open to receiving new ideas, which is how one learns ! I think every person on this Earth can teach us ***something***. It's great to keep our eyes/ears open

I've encountered several on this forum who just want to be told what they want to hear, are completely closed off to foreign/conflicting ideas, and nothing turns me off more than that !!! "You're absolutely right. You should continue whining forever". I feel like saying, well, if you want to be told that, why don't you type the words on your screen, close your eyes for 5 seconds, and then open your eyes and read your own words, right ?!!!

I also want to thank you for starting this great thread ... it's a very deep subject, and one that can stimulate a lot of healthy debate ... rare !

Take care, buddy

Thanks for the affirmation, and for sharing ! I'm glad my post helped you

I'm not so sure I do believe it is within. In my experience it has always taken a trigger to experience joy.

I understand. But, isn't that kind of like being a puppet to someone/something (aforementioned external trigger) with a remote control that has buttons labeled "happy", "sad", "angry", etc ?

It's how most of us live most of the time ... completely at the mercy of the external world

well that's hard to say. I certainly wouldn't say that it is neccesarily a person who is the 'hand'. That would connote some thought behind their action. In most cases it has been circumstances; more a case of things falling into my lap that arise when I'm particularily 'blue'. To say that it is the mercy of the rest of the external world gets into the realm of fate and destiny.

A whole other point is awareness. One needs to be aware of good fortune falling into their hands before they can run with it. I can look in hindsite and recognize what had been potentially positive situations that I never saw through the window of unhappiness.

Definitely a grey area......I know for a fact that once I left my bad marriage 9 years ago, I was finally able to feel a feeling of happiness again.....so at least that external force was so negative that it created extreme unhappiness to the point of suicide attempts when I felt trapped there before the ability to get out became available.

OK....so fast forward to now.......there are many negative things that exist in my life, like repairs needed to my new home that I can't afford. I have had several medical issues that came up but were resolved by having a wonderful support system in my new life, the same with med issues in relation to my migraines. The stress of my not x yet H letting the house I was still on the loan for go to foreclosure & worrying about whether they would take away my farm to pay for it......but through all of that, I was happy in my surroundings & even those things though they were a worry, they didn't destroy my happiness as living in constant unhappy surroundings did.

Age & looking back at personal experience & the feelings that exist through difficult times does create a more accurate perspective of what I really do feel. Until I finally was able to get in touch with my actual feelings through a wonderful psychologist over the last 5 years, I had no idea what I was feeling about anything or even why......so having been able to go back & analyze the past & the present has helped me understand myself so much better.

Happiness is definitely related to outside forces & I think that those outside forces have so much more control when there is a lack of feeling of hope that anything will ever change about them. When one is in a more positive environment, then the outside forces have less impact when you know that you can get help to get through the bad times & that there is hope that there will be change for the positive & that the positive is even existent during the negative things happening in one's life.

Absolutely !

I thought hard about this one. My conclusion: the message is technically accurate but useless in such a simple form. It needs some clarification. "Happiness comes from within" sounds to me like saying "You should be happy regardless of any circumstances whatsoever". *Ahem* Human beings just don't operate that way, unless they are in total denial and/or have absolutely no goals whatsoever related to the external world.

The capacity to endure temporarily displeasing circumstances is a useful skill. Those circumstances will only be temporary if a person has the inner faith and resolve to persist until some positive actual event is created and/or a negative stressor is removed. Procrastination, denial, vacillating, passivity etc. only serve to prolong negative circumstances. It is a package deal - we need distress tolerance, and the drive and optimism to persist until a personally desired goal is achieved.

I'm not a brain in an isolated box, a self-contained circuit board with no external inputs/outputs. I have no desire to become an ascetic monk existing only for inner contemplation. "Happiness comes from within" is an oversimplified message that distorts into a joke, in my experience, and it sounds suspiciously dismissive without further elaboration. You could argue that happiness comes from within in the form of temporary distress tolerance and optimistic resolve and strong awareness of what personally chosen circumstances you want to cause (all these things are internal, but the desired outcomes are objectively measurable and external). That makes total sense. So why don't we just say that, rather than abbreviating advice to the point of needing it explained??

I think the reason people with MI resent this,phrase is that we have to work so hard to be happy. Find the right doc, the right therapist, get the right meds and not accepting a combination or dose that isnt working, control our activities and stress, hiding our illness at work, battling stigma from our own families.
I think the one contributor stressing acceptance means accept what you cannot change, appreciate the good things. Yes, very important for us.
Since i hate most forms of exercise and it is so crucial for depression , i decided to try water aerobics and found that i absolutely love it. It sounds so dorky but is fun and relaxing. something i can enjoy every week. Yes, we can create our own happiness.

I wholeheartedly agree with ImmerAllein. Mr. Harris and my therapist introduced me to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). The model employed allows me to be the author of my life. My choices and my values matter, not externals.

ACT is challenging. For someone who had his first therapy session over forty-six years ago, the work entailed to grasp, commit and put into action the primacy of living with the values important to me is well worth it and a godsend.

I think the biggest problem of society, and all of us, is that to be happy is incredibly subjective. There are so many differing scenarios where one person would be happy, and the other not it boggles the mind.

I for one, do not agree that happiness comes from within. I am a firm believer that Peace is what can come from within. Being happy is just a side effect from being at peace. Easy to get ? no... Worth working towards ? I believe so !

I am "happy" when I am at Peace with myself - Not the most conventional of viewpoints I appreciate.

A short waffle - I'm doing a 55 hour shift week, I don't enjoy the work to say the least.. I have an incredible amount of debt, I have my own problems and objects that prevent me moving forward. - I do however have moments of inner peace, which I can only describe as happiness.

Again, with the topic being so subjective it's never going to be easy to define or grasp.

People who spout this think that we choose everything in our lives. This is not necessarily so. There are other people and other external forces to consider. One cannot be happy all the time, no matter what the cost is.

I want to make it clear - I know we don't always choose everything... life can be a complete ***** to us all..

We can never be always happy.. And i accept that ! it is a part of life..

I find that there is a difference between Happiness & Joy. For me happiness is ALWAYS related to the ourside things going on in my life. For me, Joy comes from the spiritual side of my life & I can feel joy about aspects of my life even when I'm feeling unhappy about the actual circumstances that I'm dealing with.

I'm not free from mental and physical symptoms. Still I don't think I am genuinely unhappy. I have days that are total crap, but I have days when I enjoy life. And I am ILL, mentally AND physically. Telling me I can't stop being anxious and depressed before I stop being anxious, depressed and physically ill is... confusing. Like... I can't stop having anxiety if I still have anxiety? Eh... what?

THANK YOU. So I'm not totally hopeless and amoral for preferring to have emotions?

The whole notion of "enduring" without complaint, without "attachment" is alien and even a bit disgusting to me. Maybe it's just that I've been having something of a crisis over the tenets of Stoicism and how hard I disagree with their proposed views of "virtue" and "happiness" that this is resonating hard right now.

Certainly I recognize how emotional reasoning can be deceptive, time-wasting, and useless. But I'm too much of a romanticist at my core to deny the impression that feeling is the core of human experience - whether experiencing it purely, wrestling with it, using it as motivation, or otherwise contemplating it. And I simply don't believe that kind of perpetual inner calm can be attained without a lot of sacrifice and suppression. And that just isn't worth it to me.

Rant over, for now.

I just wanna say one more thing about this subject ...

For the past eighteen months, I have been unemployed, earned precisely zero dollars, racked up debts, traffic tickets, and am behind on many bills.

For reasons I won't get into here, any prospects of any kind of employment have, long ago, disappeared.

I have no hope of obtaining the one thing I have ever wanted out of this life - the companionship of a woman.

And, yes, I am happy Now, why is that ?

Just wondering what do you think is making you feel happy in spite of all those things in your life?

I know why I feel internal happiness in spite of what is going on around me....just wondering what causes others to feel that way also. I know for me that now where I'm living after leaving my bad marriage where I felt happy about NOTHING, I now am surrounded by supportive people, people I can talk through my challenges with so I don't have to decide alone or in spite of a useless H. Even with all the problems I encounter in the world around me, having the validation that I'm not the one that created all the problems & I'm not the one that couldn't emotionally connect all my life has been such a great relief that I feel happy on the inside in spite of what the rest of the outside throws at me.