Would you be offended if your partner didn't buy your kids a birthday present?

If money for your boyfriend definitely wasn't an issue?

Don't know why I'm a bit offended that my boyfriend of 10 months didn't buy a small gift for my son on his birthday on Thursday for his 17th, just as a small gesture of his acknowledgment of this event? I'm not talking about an expensive gift - a small box of chocolates or whatever.

Am I over reacting and being offended for nothing?

Just kinda thought he might have

Neither choice seemed correct for me. While yes, it would be a nice gesture I don't see it as an obligation. Besides, I always have been the one who did the purchasing and giving of gifts in both relationships. I would have been stunned if my second husband did get something for my kids.

If you were together for ten weeks I would say no but ten months is a relationship
that is getting serious and I believe the right thing to do would have been to buy
your son a gift. Like you said it doesn't have to be much but the gesture sure would
have been nice. He should have done it but that is just my opinion.

I don't think it's a requirement, but a card and a candy bar would be nice...Or an iTunes gift card for $5 to buy some music? I think, if he's truly interested in you, then after 10 months he would start to understand the importance of your kids in your life. Hell, after 10 months I'd expect my BF to buy my dog a birthday present, so yes, to your kid as well.

I don't think it's a major red flag, but something to keep your eyes on. I don't buy birthday presents for most of my family members anymore because we're all adults and who knows what the hell they want. To me a card means more than anything. And I love gag gifts. Just see how he interacts with your kids in the future.

I think it's too soon to know if this is deal breaker behavior or maybe he just moves slower than you and doesn't feel the connection to your kids yet.

Disclaimer: my relationship advice sucks.

Seesaw

I wasn't going to say yes until I read your actual post. I think a little something would've been nice. 10 months is almost a year of being in his life, after all. The guy is 17. I think it would've been good. Unless they don't get along? Did you guys talk about it? I'd talk to him about it if you haven't already -- communication and all that.

I definitely don't see it as an obligation at all, more of a gesture too.

They get along quite reasonably. I haven't been able to bring it up with my bf because he gets really easily offended.

I don't think there was any intent on his part in not doing it. Perhaps an oversight. But a bit of an important oversight in my eyes ...

i'd certainly be offended if I was in that situation

I think it would be the right thing to do to buy something

If he was my fiancee and we had a date set for the wedding, then I might expect something from him to show that a relationship with the kids was important to him.

I don't think I'd care about a gift so much as I would about him making a relationship with them priority.

Okay this is the thing...

Your son is 17...no matter what they say ("I don't care, mom") trust me...this will stick with him.

If I thought there was the slightest chance that your relationship might last a while (and clearly, there is) then your boyfriend is setting the stage for how he will be viewed by your son.
Yes...it's a small gesture. Yes....it matters.

I would tell your boyfriend to "order" something (surely you can do that at this point in the relationship?) and make the excuse that it didn't come in time....you can do the legwork if you want and you don't mind. Not the best solution, but one I would make happen.

Sorry. I'm a fierce mom.

DISCLAIMER: We don't do birthdays or holidays to keep the stress level down and the circus from coming to town. I turned 47 on Tuesday and it was like a state secret, which is how we like it, so my opinion is heavily skewed by my practices. You might as well stop reading this post right now.

He's a boyfriend of ten months, not a fiancee or a step-dad. I'm betting that your son didn't expect anything from him. Your boyfriend did have a good opportunity to advance his position: he obviously would have scored major appreciation points had he given your son a birthday gift, but I do not think that it reflects particularly poorly on him that he didn't give a gift: he simply missed an opportunity. You'll have plenty of other things to hold against him later.

just something that I never thought about until someone explained it to me... we live in a time where even a small gesture like giving a child a gift can be misconstrued as possible abuse.. not saying the person this thread is discussing is like this.

many people now feel uncomfortable giving the children gifts when they are in a relationship where there is no defining line of permanency. most physical, sexual and emotional abusers are people that the child knows. one of the grooming tactics of child perps is getting into a relationship and proving they are good by giving the child of choice gifts first slowly during special occasions so it becomes normal, then later on when they are giving gifts to the child to encourage them to not tell the parent is none the wiser.

this grooming tactic has led to many great people in relationships to decide not to give gifts to their girlfriend\ boyfriends children until after marriage so that they do not get even remotely accused of grooming that child for abuse.

I learned about this way of thinking in a workshop related to my job. it definitely opened my eyes to what I had previously thought was insensitive when someone I knew was in a relationship and they were telling me their boyfriend or girlfriend refused to give a gift to the child, no matter what the situation the gift giving was for.

besides this situation break ups happen. what happens for the child if they see the gift giving as this person is there for ever then a break up happens and the child has this gift as a reminder of something that they lost (a mother or father figure) most children that I know in that situation highly resented getting gifts and then the person being gone. usually that gift thoughtfully given ends up destroyed, thrown away because the child cant handle constantly being reminded of what they lost when mommy or daddy broke up with the boyfriend/ girlfriend.

now I do not think there is anything wrong or insensitive with people not giving gifts to the child if they are not in a permanent situation.

I'm with Lefty on this one, I've been with my bf longer and I honestly don't get the whole hoo haaa.

If we were married or engaged, maybe my view would change, idk, guess we just don't put much stock into gift giving, stuff is just stuff.

Now if you're aiming for them to form a relationship of some sort, an activity is a much better bet than a gift, gifts can be seen as bribery and corruption, sucking up to the kiddos for banging the mommy.

Idk, just my POV.

I think it's something I would want to discuss with him for sure.

That said I agree with Lefty's post about what is normal practice within different families. It may be that your partner's family don't really mark birthdays for instance - how is he around his own and his close families birthdays? If he makes a big fuss around others that is one thing, if he doesn't really bother about birthdays for anyone then that is quite another IMO.

I think a gift card for a pizza joint would have been a nice gift for a 17 year old who could take a couple buddy's along ... I mean who doesn't like pizza ?

Gifts aren't mandatory my 50th is coming up and to be honest I want to just have a sleep coma and have already informed my husband I do not want anything but a card ( which means the world to me) and that's it , nothing nada zilch ! Or I'll be pissy lol

But yeah a small gift card or a shared activity I think would have been a nice gesture.

I gave his son birthday presents when it was his birthday in August - his son doesn't even live in Australia he's overseas; so we posted them. He *****ed and complained for a long time that his brother didn't bother to get his son a birthday present ... double standards much?

Hmmm yes in that case I'd definitely want to discuss his thinking behind this.

I thought April would be a good time. It's my birthday in April. I know he'll ask what I want.

I'm going to tell him it's going to mean a lot more to me if he puts the money he would have spent on me towards a small gift for my kids b/day Christmas instead.

I just feel like if I bring it up now he'll get so offended. I don't like hurting people.

I understand you not wanting to upset him.

I think the key is approaching this in an open and approachable manner - I think your suggestion is a good one. Hopefully he'll take the hint.

LOL - i also am legally required to add this line!

I don't have kids... it's a little hard for me to imagine how I might feel, if I did.

I think that, given you got his kids gifts (and the fact that he complained about his brother not getting them stuff) - yeah, he should have.

In general (if it weren't for that) - I'd probably be a bit more non-committal about it. My parents divorced just before I went to high school, and I don't remember their boyfriends/girlfriends ever getting me or my siblings anything. To be honest, they had a relationship with my parents, not with me, so I didn't expect or want anything from them (ha - except for them to go away!) It sounds like that might, maybe be different in your house though?

Is it possible that he's clueless about social stuff? That he just genuinely doesn't think/know about stuff like this? I only bring it up b/c some people are more "tuned in" to social standards. I'm usually *not*, but I've gotten better over the years (by messing up alot!) - and I'm female!

Hmmmm I think I would ask how has he handled your birthday? To get the feel of how he handles special days for those who touch his life.

I would but then I get graduation gift cards for friends kids who are good friends.

Giving gifts is a tough thing...lol..my MIL bought the gift my H gave me gor my wedding. Just another red flag I should have added to the pile.

I originally responded that I would not have been troubled. Fast forward though to something like Christmas. Does he have his own children. If he were to purchase something only for his own children - assuming all are opening gifts together - YEAH, I would be more than a little upset.

Since so many weighed in, I'll add my two cents.

It would have been a classy thing for your bf to give a gift.

But, my husband never gave his own children gifts. He always thought of it as my job to provide gifts from us to the kids.

The point made about an adult giving a gift might be seen as being a pedophile is mind blowing and a good point I never would imagine.