Constructive Criticism?

xiximmxi · Oct 23, 2018, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

What you described here does not even come under the definition of "tough love" or "constructive criticism".....it is nothing but someone's OPINION that you need to grow thicker skin which is neither LOVE nor CRITICISM.

Tough love is more like what I had to do when I first got married. He (the H) decised that after we got married he could start using put down sarcasm on me thinking it was funny around friends we were with. At first I threw it right back in his own face. I KNEW I was more than his equal. I realized after a short while that I hated the stress that this sparing was creating in me & I finally said....enough is enough either STOP or get out of my life. He decided that stopping was in his best interest.....but I had to work with him almost a year every time it would come out of his mouth I wouldn't return any sarcasm just remind him of our agreement or just give him "that disapproving look" There was no way that behavior would fly in the professional career he graduated from college to have.....& it definitely wasn't ok in the marriage. (My degree was aiming in the same direction as his). It finally stopped after a year of working on it.

I think there is a very thin line between tough love and abuse, that's all...
Just because someone says certain things out of "love and care," does not make it all OK.

For example, if your mother-in-law tells you "you're fat and need to lose weight, and I'm only telling you this because I love you, no one else can ever tell you as honestly as I can because we're family" over and over again and it makes you hate yourself, how can one call this love? It's verbal abuse. I had a close friend that was dealing with this constantly and I promise you, she did not at all feel loved.

What you and your husband went through isn't tough love, unless he thought putting you down and embarrassing you in front of your friends would change you for the better somehow. If not, that's an issue of respect.
Glad y'all worked it out though

Bill3 · Oct 26, 2018, 10:38 PM

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

--Taylor Swift, "All Too Well"

MuseumGhost · Oct 27, 2018, 01:49 PM

for Tisha...and everyone else who has received familiar abuse (in disguise)...

Constructive Criticism?

I really get it. I do.

MuseumGhost · Oct 27, 2018, 01:53 PM

I also think it is essential you get some of your self-respect and dignity back. I had to learn how to do that...but it has helped me regain an awful lot of formerly-lost self-esteem.

Putting your expectations out there (even if the are not met in the ways you hope), is a healthy and positive thing. You know that you are doing the right thing for yourself. And the people who have been mistreating you now have to either step-up, or let it be on their consciences forever. (I accepted, reluctantly, finally, that they would probably never change.)

I miss some people in my life; but NOT their constantly negative and overly-critical nastiness.

I will not take backward steps just to ease their neurotic and abusive tendencies.

I am so much healthier without these people around.

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