[xiximmxi]

I don't do well with criticism so any negative comments or observations that are made with zero tact get under my skin.

I believe that positive reinforcement and praises makes people change for the better, not pointing out someone's flaws and insecurities directly "for their sake."

What do you guys think, am I just way too sensitive? LOL

Great thread!

[MickeyCheeky]

Different methods work for different people. Some people appreciate "tough love"

Well....I tend to be blunt and honest. It's not that I want to hurt anyone feelings. I just tend to think before I speak. When I know someone is sensitive, I really do try my best to hold back, with moderate success.

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive, but if possible objectivity helps. That being said, I myself am not always able to be objective.

So in conclusion, I've got nothing. Lol.

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Different methods work for different people. Some people appreciate "tough love"

Well that is true. I wish more people would've spoken up about my ex and how toxic our 5-year on and off relationship was.
Guess it's just how you say things, not what you say - right?

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by KissTheRain

Well....I tend to be blunt and honest. It's not that I want to hurt anyone feelings. I just tend to think before I speak. When I know someone is sensitive, I really do try my best to hold back, with moderate success.

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive, but if possible objectivity helps. That being said, I myself am not always able to be objective.

So in conclusion, I've got nothing. Lol.

I say I'm sensitive but I can be stupidly blunt sometimes, my Sagittarius self
Haha It helps me be more tactful though, because I am sensitive. I think about how they'd feel if I said it.

[Travelinglady]

I don't like to be criticized, since I grew up with so much of it.

[MuseumGhost]

Same here, TL.

I am also a fairly sensitive individual, and so it can really wound me very badly when thoughtless, insensitive, or cruel criticisms are hurled at me. My brother and I were the non-stop recipients of some pretty harsh stuff when we were young. (I vowed then I would never talk to a child that way, and never have.)

I try really hard never set out to just trash someone's self-esteem. However, criticism is sometimes necessary, especially if you want to have a smooth running household or business. It takes time and experience and some empathy to learn how to do it well, and constructively---NOT destructively.

Sometimes, it's true, I've been known to deal directly and clearly with people. This is not the same as being cruel. Some people don't understand or respond to anything presented with care and kindness. Straightforward is all they respect.

So, I think it boils down to knowing WHO you're speaking to. And teaching others how you expect people to treat YOU.

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

Same here, TL.

I am also a fairly sensitive individual, and so it can really wound me very badly when thoughtless, insensitive, or cruel criticisms are hurled at me. My brother and I were the non-stop recipients of some pretty harsh stuff when we were young. (I vowed then I would never talk to a child that way, and never have.)

I try really hard never set out to just trash someone's self-esteem. However, criticism is sometimes necessary, especially if you want to have a smooth running household or business. It takes time and experience and some empathy to learn how to do it well, and constructively---NOT destructively.

Sometimes, it's true, I've been known to deal directly and clearly with people. This is not the same as being cruel. Some people don't understand or respond to anything presented with care and kindness. Straightforward is all they respect.

So, I think it boils down to knowing WHO you're speaking to. And teaching others how you expect people to treat YOU.

I'm glad you broke the vicious cycle!

& You're right - some people don't understand the importance or urgency when you beat around the bush.

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I don't like to be criticized, since I grew up with so much of it.

Ah, this hit me hard.

Thank you for sharing.

[Taylor27]

Any critizsim of any kind i take it as im a bad person. I grew up in a very abusive home. I like it when people are honest with me and it does not always have to be in a tough love manner. Hugs this is a awesome thread

[eskielover]

The problem with ONLY positive reinforcement is that sometimes those being positively reinforced are totally oblivious to what the real problem is.

I think using tact to talk about the issues is a much better help. Sometimes using one's own experiences to point out issues helps....sometimes they just don't see how the correlation applies to them.....then one has to decide whether spelling it out more clearly is really worth it or not.

I personally take the approach that NOTHING is criticism but always is a learning experience. I learn from others different point of view & if others can learn from my point of view. It thete isva standoff.....I just back away. No point in arguing or criticising people like that.

I grew up being more critical of my parents than they ever were of me because they embarassed me way beyond what is normal to be embarassed by parents, but that was a learning experience in tolerance & how to work around things that NEVER were going to change leaving criticism out of the picture (constructive or otherwise)

My logical mind is far more prevalent in my thinking than my emotional mind so it is a challenge to relate to emotional thinking.

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by Cheryl27

Any critizsim of any kind i take it as im a bad person. I grew up in a very abusive home. I like it when people are honest with me and it does not always have to be in a tough love manner. Hugs this is a awesome thread

Cheryl.
Thank you for sharing.

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I don't like to be criticized, since I grew up with so much of it.

As did I, as a kid. My father was exceptionally hard on me with cristicism. I am very sensitive in general to criticism, even as an adult. Constructive criticism is helpful when delivered gently and with compassion. Harsh or blunt tones do not work for me.. or anything that sounds judgmental. People need to be careful with how they word it. Sometimes it can sound very harsh even when the person doesn’t intend it to.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by eskielover

The problem with ONLY positive reinforcement is that sometimes those being positively reinforced are totally oblivious to what the real problem is.

Guilty as charged. I agree that there are times when the situation an OP is relating seems based more on emotion than practicality or realisim. Sorry, but I am not going to jump on the fuzzy bandwagon of pats on the back. I am not going to reinforce what may not be the most desirable way of looking at things.I think it more important to think realistically about situations that arise and sometimes it is necessary to point out a more logical approach to seeing them. This may at times require what seems like a blunt approach. One can't always be tactful. In the long run, it should be noted that those who do supportively critisize do so with the best intentions. It may seem like cruelty but it is actually out of a wish to be supportive. Please don't misconstrue the two. The title of the thread indicates just that - that the poster is being 'constructive' and shouldn't be perceived as making a mean attack.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Different methods work for different people. Some people appreciate "tough love"

They do? Can you name anyone you know of who does? I certainly don’t. I call ‘tough love’ abuse and have had too much of it from my mother.

I had a wonderful drama teacher in high school who taught us how to give constructive criticism to the other actors. We would be able to tell them what they did didn’t work and suggest better ways in a supportive, non threatening way. Constructive criticism does work. Mean criticism just sucks.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by eskielover

The problem with ONLY positive reinforcement is that sometimes those being positively reinforced are totally oblivious to what the real problem is.

I think using tact to talk about the issues is a much better help. Sometimes using one's own experiences to point out issues helps....sometimes they just don't see how the correlation applies to them.....then one has to decide whether spelling it out more clearly is really worth it or not.

I personally take the approach that NOTHING is criticism but always is a learning experience. I learn from others different point of view & if others can learn from my point of view. It thete isva standoff.....I just back away. No point in arguing or criticising people like that.

I grew up being more critical of my parents than they ever were of me because they embarassed me way beyond what is normal to be embarassed by parents, but that was a learning experience in tolerance & how to work around things that NEVER were going to change leaving criticism out of the picture (constructive or otherwise)

My logical mind is far more prevalent in my thinking than my emotional mind so it is a challenge to relate to emotional thinking.

I cannot write anything better, in my experience anyway. ^^^ This. Yes.

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

They do? Can you name anyone you know of who does? I certainly don’t. I call ‘tough love’ abuse and have had too much of it from my mother.

I had a wonderful drama teacher in high school who taught us how to give constructive criticism to the other actors. We would be able to tell them what they did didn’t work and suggest better ways in a supportive, non threatening way. Constructive criticism does work. Mean criticism just sucks.

"Tough love" has always made me feel self conscious.

My parents were pretty strict about being "tamed" when my younger brother and I would go out or at other people's houses. You know, not like those "crazy kids that touch and ask everything." I also do not think spanking works.
I was an extremely shy kid and a rebellious teenager because of this.

[WishfulThinker66]

I think we are misconstruing abuse with tough love.

True tough love is out of caring. Just because it may be a harsh way of instilling a dose of reality does not make it abuse. In fact, there are times one would be negligent in avoiding doing so.

When facing someone oblivious to or blind to the facts, tough love may just be what is required.

Tough love stems from caring and a wish to be ultimately supportive. It is not intended as a put down or otherwise abusive. Don't confuse the two.

When I made my children pay rent after high school graduation that was an act of tough love. Making them get jobs as teenagers, that was tough love. Had I put them down, that would have been abusive.

I agree with this distinction. Tough love can be in the form of let's say confronting an alcoholic with their addiction, but it's done out of caring concern. Abuse is always intended to HARM.... tough love does not have intent to harm behind it.. it may be harsh and a tough pill to swallow, but sometimes the truth is needed in order for someone to really move forward in life.

Tough love needs to be delivered with caring concern, however. When it's delivered harshly, I can see how it can feel abusive or like bullying.

[TishaBuv]

Those examples you give as tough love sound reasonable. My mother dishes out verbal and emotional abuse and calls it tough love. That’s all I know.

[MuseumGhost]

And I think it's always a good idea, and also helps avoid confusion and worry, if the person delivering the 'tough love' gives a rationale for why they're doing it. This also helps make it distinct and unmistakable as coming from a place of real concern, rather than annoyed impatience, or something darker.

Communication is tricky. It's something that we can always improve upon.

Tisha, I'm so sorry you have to deal with someone who continually does this to you. I spent my entire life, practically, under overly-critical family members of one kind or another. It can be hell.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

And I think it's always a good idea, and also helps avoid confusion and worry, if the person delivering the 'tough love' gives a rationale for why they're doing it. This also helps make it distinct and unmistakable as coming from a place of real concern, rather than annoyed impatience, or something darker.

Communication is tricky. It's something that we can always improve upon.

Tisha, I'm so sorry you have to deal with someone who continually does this to you. I spent my entire life, practically, under overly-critical family members of one kind or another. It can be hell.

I told my mother how much what she does hurts me and if she does it again our relationship is done. I told my dad how much it hurt me how his never calling me after Mom has ‘disowned ‘ me. He said that was untrue. Meanwhile he has done it again. They refuse to treat me how I demand to be treated, with care. I shouldn’t have had to demand. Regardless I must uphold my threats and end the relationships.

Mom’s tough love, for example is once I was engaged very briefly to a young man she disapproved of. He was not smart and “only” a jeweler who worked for us. She made a big birthday dinner party for my dad. He and I were not invited. I asked her why and she said “Why would I invite you and him to the party? Who are you to come to dinner with us?” Her “tough love” was to belittle me and put me in my place as though now I am beneath her.

[xiximmxi]

There is a distinction between tough love and abuse.
But I think it's important to understand that your tough love can be someone else's abuse - and you don't get to tell them it's not.

If you make a crappy joke that hurts someone's feelings and nobody laughs, you can't call that a joke.
And telling someone who is hurt by an insensitive comment or action to "grow thicker skin" is not tough love or constructive criticism.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by xiximmxi

There is a distinction between tough love and abuse.
But I think it's important to understand that your tough love can be someone else's abuse - and you don't get to tell them it's not.

If you make a crappy joke that hurts someone's feelings and nobody laughs, you can't call that a joke.
And telling someone who is hurt by an insensitive comment or action to "grow thicker skin" is not tough love or constructive criticism.

What you described here does not even come under the definition of "tough love" or "constructive criticism".....it is nothing but someone's OPINION that you need to grow thicker skin which is neither LOVE nor CRITICISM.

Tough love is more like what I had to do when I first got married. He (the H) decised that after we got married he could start using put down sarcasm on me thinking it was funny around friends we were with. At first I threw it right back in his own face. I KNEW I was more than his equal. I realized after a short while that I hated the stress that this sparing was creating in me & I finally said....enough is enough either STOP or get out of my life. He decided that stopping was in his best interest.....but I had to work with him almost a year every time it would come out of his mouth I wouldn't return any sarcasm just remind him of our agreement or just give him "that disapproving look" There was no way that behavior would fly in the professional career he graduated from college to have.....& it definitely wasn't ok in the marriage. (My degree was aiming in the same direction as his). It finally stopped after a year of working on it.