I'm in my late 40s and my husband and I never had children. Given that, it's hard to know for sure how we would have raised any. Obviously, my bipolar disorder would have been a slight issue, but looking beyond that, I guess I would have tried to take the best from my upbringing, and not the worst. But who knows!

What was your upbringing like, if it doesn't trigger you? I don't mean "wealthy", but more, style of parenting.

Overall, my siblings and I agreed that my parents were quite laissez faire about many aspects of parenting. Though they showed a lot of love, they still let us do pretty much what we wanted, unless it was very naughty. My siblings and I got in trouble at school sometimes, but we usually didn't tell our parents. They'd only know if we had detention and came home late for dinner. In that case, we really got in trouble, but the actual offense didn't usually bother them. However, none of us did anything THAT bad.

Unlike my siblings, I was very active into hobbies, like ballet. Driving me to/from classes sort of annoyed them a bit, but they did it anyway. My parents never got on our backs about schoolwork. I actually applied myself a lot more than they would have expected.

My parents didn't seem to worry that much about my siblings and me becoming independent. We did fairly early. My brother went into the navy at 18. My sister got married at 19. I went to college and then moved to CA and then Taiwan. They never seemed to worry. I don't think they did. We're talking back in the late 1980s through 1990s.

The only very protective behavior I remember from them was this:

Dad asked me to ask my future husband if he was married, when we started dating. Then when we announced our engagement a couple years later (we had lived together), Dad took me aside and asked if I was "really sure".

My mom was more protective towards my brother (her little boy). She hated his wife! I won't go into why. Also, when my brother was a boy, he was very hyperactive. I confess my dad was too rough on him, physically, at times. Dad wasn't like that with my sister or me.

[SlumberKitty]

My parents were really strict. Actually my Mom was really strict. She used to brag that she could get us to behave with just a look. Because my sister and I knew that if we didn't straighten up, she would beat us. My Dad wasn't around much. He was just working all the time. When he wasn't working he was busy with Church or the Fire department which was volunteer, but which he was the chief of. My Dad was cool when he was around. We would play catch, or just work in the yard, stuff like that. My Mom was overbearing. Both of them stressed education a lot because neither of them went to college. My Dad did end up taking some college classes for his job but never graduated from college. I have an MBA and my sister is a couple of weeks shy from getting her Doctorate. I only got in trouble at school once and it was for not drinking my juice. My mom was pretty upset about it even though to this day I'm pretty baffled as to why. My Mom was mad at my sister and me more times than I could count. But I never remember my Dad getting mad at us or yelling at us. With my Mom that was pretty much a daily occurrence. I used to wish my parents would get divorced and we could just live with my Dad. HUGS Kit

[*Beth*]

Father left picture when I was six. Mother was severely mentally ill. So sad, because she could be an amazing person, but she could also be viciously abusive (physically, emotionally). She did certain things such as setting the kitchen curtains on fire and covering all of our windows with black tarp because of her beliefs about noxious fumes entering the house. So we had to live with all windows covered, at all times.

She said some things to me that I am embarrassed to post.

Step-father that was a mentally ill, violent alcoholic, extremely violent, also sexually abused me for six years.

I hold a lot of hurt about my father leaving. I am hurt by extended family (basically, my much-older sisters) knowing about what was going on in my home, but never helping out. Always looked the other way.

As for my mom, I loved her very much, and I miss her. She did refuse treatment, which angers me. That said, her mental health issues were so extreme, I am really not angry at her.

[Mendingmysoul]

I am so sorry,Bethrags.

[Mountaindewed]

I am the youngest of 3. My brother was sick when I was born. We had a lot of medical expenses and medical problems when I was growing up but my parents always made sure my siblings and I were happy and had what we needed. My parents made sure we were never left out of anything that our classmates and friends were doing even if they didn’t necessarily have the money. They found a way for it to work. My parents were good parents although I wish they had paid a bit more attention the problems I was having during elementary school and asking more questions to both me and the school.

[bpcyclist]

I am the youngest of two, with a brother 8 years my senior. It was very difficult when he went away to Georgetown from our home (Lake Oswego, Oregon), in part, because he did not come back home for more than three years. This was very hard on me, as I worshiped him. He has turned out to be an *********, sadly, and I have not spoken to him in almost 8 years. Happily, I might add. Jerk. If he died tomorrow, I can promise you I would not attend his service. I don't even have a brother. I never did.

My dad was a very sort of famous dermatologist who was very politically active (medical politics) and was always gone to Chicago, where the American Academy of Dermatology is HQ'd. He basically ran it for a number of years. As a result, I spent all my time with my mom. She was an excellent mother, but certainly far from doting. Expectations were extremely high in that house. School performance was expected to be top-rate, no exceptions. I basically never was in trouble as a result of this very strict upbringing. Fear is a powerful motivator.

One benefit of my dad's success was that we got to travel quite a bit. We rafted and canoed many of the more well-known rivers in the West. Went to Hawaii 8 million times. Had a wonderful trip to DC and all the museums and another neat one to NYC, where I would ultimately attend college. My folks really provided a wonderful upbringing, despite it being so very strict.

When my wife and I told my mom and dad that I had become addicted to Ultram in 1999, before my bipolar diagnosis, my mother looked me in the eye and without hesitation, said: "Well, you certainly didn't get that from me!" She was not the most empathetic woman ever, God rest her soul.

My response to all this has been to be much less strict with my own kids, which for me, has been the right move. Both are great kids and they have not had to live with the fear I did, and I am happy about that.

it could have been worse, I guess.

my mother was very abusive (both from a physical and emotional standpoint), and I never met my father

I had a sister, but she took my mum's side and abused me also

however: I had the basics to survive. I wasn't homeless, I had food, I had toys to play with, and I had a love for cartoons (so I'd sit for hours in front of the tv watching cartoons to escape the abuse.)

I still have a love for cartoons to this day. it's one thing that really helps me hide from the memories

[Blue_Bird]

I grew up with my mom, we were homeless a lot, bounced around 4 states and probably moved like at least 25 times as a kid. We were extremely poor. My mom had an alcohol problem and major depressive disorder which she wouldn't get treatment for, she was never abusive though and she loved me a lot and did everything she could to take care of me and make sure I was happy, despite the environmental situations. I have 3 siblings, 2 brothers and one sister, they're all older than me and they grew up when our mom was doing really well in life so they had a vastly different childhood than I did. When they were young she was working, owned a house, didn't drink, etc.

My mom passed away from cancer a few years ago and I miss her.

Looking back things could have been a lot worse, she always protected me and made sure I was safe no matter where we were staying at the time

My father was never involved in my life, they got divorced when I was 2 months old and he never bothered to stay in my life so I didn't meet him until I was 22 years old.

[Goforward]

I have read the above stories and my upbringing seems fairly normal. I am the youngest of 4 sibs. My dad finished his degree in civil engineering after WWII. My mon was a RN. We moved from state to state and overseas about every 2 years.
My dad was just restless and a functional alcoholic. My mother barely tolerated his alcoholism. Twenty years after my dad died I found out my dad went to prostitutes regularly. I though my dad had a girlfriend when I was growing up. My mother was a bitter woman. Perhaps it would have been better if they had divorced.

[TishaBuv]

My parents got married still in their teens. That was common then. My father’s father was a millionaire entrepreneur, who had made then ‘the finest wedding in the history of NY’ (according to the mayor). My mom thought he’d support them, but instead the next day he left them all to their own. This is according to my mom, so I’m not sure the total abandonment part is 100% true.

They were already just slightly pregnant with my sister. Then I was the youngest of three girls.

From my memory, we had a house on the water. I had pets until they all met with untimely deaths because of my mom. I had a friend or two. My sisters couldn’t care less about my existence. If Mom made them babysit, they were resentful. They didn’t get along with each other, either.

We had my mom’s parents living nearby, who we saw often, and I loved.

We visited the rich grandpa often and were told to be nice to him because he was supposed to leave us money. Long story short, he did not leave us money, and it killed my father two years later.

My mother was mostly on the phone, cleaning while complaining about it. She once made me paper dolls that were cute. Nobody played with me. I kept myself busy mostly getting into trouble. I even used to stick my fingers into the light sockets to see if I’d get shocked, and I always did! Duh.

Mom could be cruel and screaming. If directed at me, I’d cry myself out as she’d be unrelenting. The main issue was that I wouldn’t eat.

She could also be fun and adventurous.

She always dressed prettily, with make up. She always insisted us girls looked like dolls. The pictures were beautiful.

My father was a light spirited personality until he got sick, and was very handsome. I only had a few actual experiences wher we interacted together. He died when I had just turned 12.

My sisters left home as soon as they could and I was raised like an only child after that.

Mom remarried within one year to a nice man who was a career musician.

I enjoyed watching his band, and later got to sing with them often.

He wasn’t like a father to me though. Mom made that very clear to him. But they’re still together and he’s always been nice to me. He has a kind disposition and is a saint to put up with her.

[Nammu]

I had a very typical 60's upbringing. In the summer it was out the door after breakfast and playing outside. When I was 8 they brought a summer cabin so mum and I went to the cabin all summer and various cousin would come stay with us for a couple weeks. The only thing I wish is that they cared. More about home work. I was often on the honor roll but they took no interest in school. As long as we stayed out of trouble it was hands off. I was the youngest by far and didn't have a lot of chores. I left when I was 18 to go to the university.

[divine1966]

It was fairly normal.

My parents are both engineers and always worked full time demanding jobs so they were busy people but we did a lot of family activities, travelled a lot, did a lot of enrichment things and cultural activities like museums and theaters and do art or play music, we had huge collection of books and of course records!

My dad is a rather difficult person, both I and my brother think he has some narcissistic tendencies and mom put up with this flaws, although he mellowed down with age. But compare to others I’d say it wasn’t bad. My parents valued education and we were given freedom to choose education and career path. I think we were given lots of freedom in comparison because I don’t remember anything I wasn’t allowed to do, my parents didn’t watch my every step.

Me and my brother are one year apart (I am older) and we are very close. We both left home pretty much right after high school and pursued education and careers etc and we both married young and had children young but we always lived in relatively close proximity to each other and our parents.

Our mom died last year after long battle with cancer and dad is getting old so that’s all we really have (and our own kids) so we stick together

Talking about craziness my dad decided to clean his gutters yesterday and sent us a proud picture of himself on a ladder! We all live 15 minutes from each other and there is zero need to climb on ladders at 82 even if he is in good shape. But like I said he is a bit crazy. He also wore a mask just to be funny. Lol

[Medusax]

A three ring circus of contradiction, negativity, and uncaring; carried out with the utmost sophistication and "we are superior" attitude.

[KD1980]

Very unhappy, chaotic and emotionally unstable. My parents had an arranged marriage, my mom was a teen and my biological father was 8 years older. As a result, they weren't ready to be parents. I'm the eldest daughter, so at a very young age I was put to work caring for my younger siblings, doing housework and being treated like a servant. My sister has always been a selfish and self serving person, so she and I never became friends, even though I wanted to be her friend. We lived with my grandparents and aunt, so we were poor but we got what we needed and never went hungry.

We were physically, verbally and emotionally abused, as well as my mother. I'm pretty sure my biological father is a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. He lacks empathy for everyone, including his own kids. I won't go into details, but eventually it got so bad my mom left my biological father and moved us to her parents house. I hated it. Her parents preferred my sister because she was bubbly, prettier and in their eyes, the perfect child. I was also bullied in school. I had a few friends, and that was a bright light for me. My biological father won custody of us, and we went back to him, and it was a hellish experience after that. I'm surprised to be alive at all.

[Deilla]

I grew up with my brother and three sisters. We were well taken care of. We got to travel abroad and also to many places in the US. We always had a vacation. My mom was involved in my music. She would attend all events except the football games. My dad never went to any of my events. I don't remember my dad being that involved until my brother started playing football. I mowed the lawn and got money from my dad to go roller skating. When I dated, my parents weren't concerned. They never wanted to know who I was with or where I was going. Except one time, when I dated someone my father had a problem with. It never made sense to me. It was a class issue. My mother kept us involved in different activities like art, beauty pageants and music. I really appreciate every thing they did for us.

[Ford Puma]

Well, I am not too sure where I am in regards to my upbringing. I was born in 76 and only remember the 80's vaguely. I had 4 brothers and one sister. Sadly, 2 brothers are now in the next world. My parents were not a very good match and I can only guess it was my Mom that married my Father, as I do not think my Father had the slightest interest in her or us. My Mom, bless her soul did try but had not a clue how to deal with any issues and just went into a blind panic at everything. Both parents are now long gone to the next world too. I will not say it was always bad though as some folks have much worse situations. I did write a semi-autobiography about my life, but, never got too far with putting it into print.

[TunedOut]

My dad met my mom in either middle school or high school. He arrived in town with his dad (he was the youngest child) after his dad and mom were divorced. They were totally living the bachelor life but moved to town to start a new business. My dad drove a nice car (important for attracting girls back then), my mother was attractive, and her mother was a great cook having grown up in as family of ten on a farm with her being two of the ten children responsible for all the meals. My grandmother was a child of the depression and her family also had a hotel. It is my understanding that her family never refused food to anyone who came by asking for food. They would just ask for them to do a chore in exchange. My grandmother was a great cook so my father ate many meals at my mom's house while they were dating.

My mom and dad married while my dad was attending the University that my siblings and I also graduated from. She did not finish her University degree but worked in a jewelry store instead. She was very good at sales and even though my dad had a degree in business, she was better at business than him in the sense that she was better about not being taken advantage of and driving a tough bargain. My dad worked at his dad's (he owned 10%) company for a while then worked for a corporation for 10 years. After that, we moved to our cabin in the mountains where they started a variety of businesses. My dad had a great educational background for it and my mom had the common sense that was also needed to be successful.

Anyways, my mom was the one who did all the disciplining and organizing. She deserves a lot of credit for it. Being the enforcer is a thankless but important job. Sometimes she prescribed to the children should be seen and not heard POV--something I had a hard time with. My mom made sure we went to church and that we kept a schedule--breakfast, lunch, dinner, bedtime, etc. In the evening, we would watch shows together like the Carol Burnett Show, Donny and Marie, the Brady Bunch, etc then go to bed at 7 or 8 PM. When we first moved to the mountains, there was no TV reception so I would read in the evening. My dad tried to spend quality time with us by reading to me every night when I was little then driving me to the library weekly, playing sports, taking us woodcutting, fishing, etc. My mom's parent's always lived in the same town as my mom and dad so we ate many meals at my grandmother's house. My grandmother also spent a lot of quality time with me including cooking together and listening to music together like Elvis and the Carpenters.

I feel very lucky about my upbringing. One of my best memories about it is how beautiful the mountains were where we lived and I loved the desert sunsets where I went to college. My mom and dad loved driving to a variety places with beautiful scenery. I have always loved being outdoors and still do whenever the weather is nice.

[possum220]

My upbringing was like living in an emotional desert.

[nicoleflynn]

I grew up in extreme poverty: no refrigerator, tub/shower, phone or car.....with an abusive mother and no father around....molested. I joined the army right out of high school andworked hard; my life story won a scholarship,and I started school at 60!

Thanks to everyone for sharing a bit about your upbringings. It's sad to read how many were abused (or struggled in some way) in childhood. I wonder if it is so common here because we all share some mental health issues, or if it is almost equally common even among those who do not identify as having mental health struggles.

[indigo1015]

My upbringing was, shall we say, interesting... my parents both have a very high regard for knowledge and education, and I grew up learning a lot from them, learning things I never learned in the crapass school system that my sis and I attended. On the other hand, there was a lot of tension-- my dad was away a lot when I was growing up and he and I are very close, whereas my mom and my sis are very close. I missed him a lot and even had nightmares about him leaving. My mom really resented him going off all the time while she had to do the dirty work (i.e., discipline us and basically be two parents at the same time). I was always really jealous and somewhat sadistic towards my sis because it seemed that Mom liked her way better than she liked me. Maybe she did, I don't know. My parents were old-fashioned in that they made us do chores and disciplined us when we misbehaved, which I actually really appreciate; we grew up knowing how to do things for ourselves and having manners, as opposed to the brats I see these days. That being said, there was a fair amount of emotional emptiness there.

isolating, confusing.

i witnessed some bad fights growing up. parents left often. i knew i was a disappointment & brought shame to my family. parenting was focused on my older brother. i was the cause of my parent's grief. i learned to stonewall like a pro from my father, who would shut down for days. it was a strict & controlling environment based on my father's ego...

altogether, not too bad, i was fed & clothed & i had a home in a safe neighborhood. i went to a good school & they supported me financially in college. i think there was a lot of emotional neglect though. i was basically fatherless after i turned 11. my mother spent most of her time screaming at me starting around middle school. she didn't know how to help me, and more often i was managing her emotions.

also, whether it's ultimately good or bad, they left me with a sense of snobbiness that i think has made my standards high. they needed me to be better than others because they themselves were at a disadvantage compared to people around us. i think maybe they were disrespected by people and i had to do what i could to help them out. i do have a chip on my shoulder and like to challenge myself (when i can get unstuck from my depressive abyss)

i don't feel emotional attachment to my family. i feel tired when i think of them. i have a lot of what i read are symptoms of emotional neglect: emptiness, no idea who i am, drifting through life. i feel like i don't have a lot of life skills that i need.