Musician Jokes!

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
- Homeless

How many giitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Seven. One to screw in the lightbulb, and six more to stand around saying "I can do that."

How do you get a guitar player off your porch?
- Pay him for the pizza.

How do you know a lead singer is at your door?
- They lost the key and gon't know when to get in.
(bonus points: you know the musical references in this answer!)

Though guitar is one of the few instruments my daughter is not fluent at (she tried, but lost interest), I'll have to pass these on to her. I get bonus points--I got the references! How long have you played?

I'm not so good at plying any instrument, but I'm pretty good at composing. All of theese jokes came from my step-dad who has been in the music bussiness for 30+ years lol.

Ooooh a composer! My daughter would be so jealous! She has been working on a song on the keyboard for the longest time. I finally bought her Finale Songwriter to help her out. Now she keeps adding to it and her friends at school have asked if they add their part too. So she has the keyboard part, a friend is softly doing drums, another guitar and her best friend is doing lyrics. Should only take another two or three years! LOL. Good for you on the composing! That's awesome!

Well, I'm still expirimenting with the software at school, they aren't nearly as complex as the one you described. Just for the piano, and my longest peice so far is exactly one page long. But then again I've only composed 4 little tunes but everyone says just the fact that I have the ability to compose and that they all "make sense musicaly" means that I've got alot of talent and potential. I think I'm going to get the free trial version off the software off of the website so I can share some of my music sometime

Keep at it!! I have zero musical talent, so I envy you!! If you enjoy it, keep at it.

lol, thanks. Sometimes I doubt that I have any talent in music, but then people beg to differ. Everyone says people who are good at music are good at math too, but math is by far my weakest subject (65th percentile as opossed to 90-something percentile on that national PLAN test). I use my ears and taste in what I think sounds good, not math! (maybe I just have good taste?) I'm not that good at playing music because my hands and brain are definately not the best of comunicators but I still try anyways because I love music.

Lol, I found more jokes!

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
-Shoot one.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
-Who cares - neither one's a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
-The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
-Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
-So the rest of the band can understand them

What's the definition of a minor second?
-Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
-Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
-Throw him his amp.

As a musician for most of my life I can contribute to this, too.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.

How does an oboe differ from an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
bfG

Orchestra Personnel Standards

conductor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.

oboist
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.

trumpet player
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

bassoonist
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.

second violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.

manager
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.

horn player
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.

Those are great, Kaika!