[Roofal]

I started out with depression and anxiety early in life. Took a lot of meds over the years. I am well into my 20s now and I got back into 'the game', seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist.

I see my psychiatrist twice a month, and really... the only thing he knows about me is from my own testimony about my moods and feelings of anxiety. Or how I appear when I walk in (low mood, uppity mood, etc)

I am slowly realizing that is how he totally bases his prescriptions off of. I DO have mood swings, I AM afraid of people and have cripplingly low self esteem. But these are situational, environmental, conditional factors - they are caused by the way I live and isolate myself, by being a loner, by feeling alienated. Who wouldn't be depressed and afraid all the time, to live this way?

I am, essentially, prescribing myself medication. He supports titrating down on anything I don't like, I believe he is a good doctor. But I feel stuck, that I have become dependent (4 months now) on drugs and will feel rebound effects, even if I titrate with my doc carefully.

200mg Lamotrigine,
3mg Clonazepam
100 mg Trazodone
150 mg Welbutrin, for the record.

I am going to address this with my doctor the next time I see him and since we work so well together, I know he will agree to titrate me off of them all. Lamotrigine worries me because I JUST hit 200mgs a week ago. To jump up and down with these meds seems dangerous.

I'm just looking for some support, or something. Maybe other people have felt the same way.

Hi Roofal,

I totally understand your feelings of being dependent on drugs. I felt this way few months ago and had a really rough time with it. I think everyone at some point in their life must ask themselves "do I really need this medication to survive?" in order to see if they would be ok without it. I do not think medicine is the enemy though. It is so helpful in treating symptoms and can mean the difference between living well and struggling through most days. I say give yourself more time on these meds to truly evaluate yourself. A good 6-12 months will give you a much more accurate picture of whether they are contributing to your well being. Best of luck to you in finding the right combo of meds!

Mrs J

[Skeezyks]

Hello Roofal: Welcome to PsychCentral! PC is a great place to gain support as well as to obtain mental health related information. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more you'll gain from the time you spend here.

I'm no longer on psych med's. But I do still see my pdoc. My situation is similar to yours. My pdoc's a good guy. But all he knows about me is what I've told him & what he's observed when he sees me (which is only for about 15 minutes every 3 or 4 months.) He'll occasionally suggest a med I might try. If I want it, he'll write the script. If not, that's fine too. He's fine either way. I do appreciate the fact that he doesn't try to push me into things. But I also sometimes wonder if the whole thing isn't just kind-of pointless. I'm scheduled to see my pdoc again next week. I think I'm going to broach the subject of just no longer coming in to see him. The whole thing just seems kind-of pointless...

My best wishes to you...

[vonmoxie]

Hi Roofal, and welcome!

You make what I think are some very valid self-observations; I imagine it would be hard for anyone with a good degree of self-awareness to not be at least somewhat complicit in the engineering of one's psychiatric relationships and outcomes. Try as I might to take myself out of the equation in that regard, to let the trajectory of therapy be entirely guided by the professionals, ultimately I've found it can end up being counterproductive. I suppose a blank canvas is overwhelming for any artist, so to speak.

I personally have found a great deal of relief and grounding in getting psych drugs out of my life. It was initially a hard road getting re-acclimated to life without them, but it was also a hard road getting on with them, and there's far less side effects this way. Plus I feel more ownership in the progress I make now, and in the feelings I manifest. I know they help a lot of people, but they were a mixed blessing at best for me. I'm pretty much au naturel these days, save for a very occasional, very low dose of clonazepam.

I wish you excellent spiritual focus and luck with your process!