[wisewoman]

Well, today I worked to see a few clients close to home and then was on my way by a friend's so stopped there. This is a friend who is dying and who I have been helping to put affairs in order. He was ill and I did things that only love can explain. He is close to death now and it is hard to see him holding on so tight. But I know we all have what it takes to keep him comfortable now and I have been discussing end of life issues. I ended up staying there most of the day working from his home.

Okay, so I come home and fall asleep and hubby wakes me up to tell me to help the kid who is here to clean my basement. I went down and was perplexed by the amount of crap we have collected. Mostly curriculum and educational stuff. Well, I was sorting and dumping and he pulled out a picture of me and my Jane from 20 years ago. My breasts were lobsided from nursing and we were standing there. My Jane. Like she came to give me guidance to help me with my friend's passing. Love having the picture.

Ahhhh... so sweet.

Thanks for that.

Petunia

what a wonderful friend you are ......and boy...do i envy the relationship that you and jane have and still seem to have since her passing.....i'm sure that the picture was a sign that she is "with you"....God bless you.......

[wisewoman]

Thanks butterfly and Ozzie, you know, I showed my T the pic today and she said that I looked good in it. She said that Jane's love was obvious, Yes, I guess I believe Jane came in a way to show me where the last twenty years and accumulation of junk have left me. As for loving my friend. You know I am honored to have such friends. I will continue to do what he needs of me through the end. Tonight is my husband's overnight. He is good at care but knows less about meds so I hope he calls if he is unclear. The wife is so very tired and can't think straight and is greatful for the sleepover parties. His condition has been very erradic. He will have a nose dive and we think this is it and the next day he comes back 75%. He is not ready to go. He cried with me when we spoke of it the other day. I asked him what he wanted and he stated that he wanted to keep getting the treatment if he is able but if he is too sick to leave the home we are to keep him comfortable and love him. He said he had not made the final plans for his cremation etc. So we talked about it and he told me he wanted a graveside only service to bury his ashes. He wanted bagpipes and certain songs and for everyone to sing. I told him that his son and I are going to bring him to the crematorium personally. I told him we were joking about if we should sit him up with a seat belt or lay him down. He chuckled. I need to do this final act for him and his son is on the same page. His liver is massive with tumor and he has something causing a partial obstruction. He is so full of cancer that none of us can understand how he is still with us except willpower.

I also am having an experience of nothing being black and white. Yes he is my friend, he has been a friend, but before I knew him he did some hurtful things to his family. He is still the man I know and love. He has brought us gifts. Man wonderful gifts.

[MacD]

Major Lump in Throat........Thanks for Sharing one of "Those Moments"

[bebop]

I am sorry you are going thru this. Maybe the time has come to tell him it is ok to let go. I know how hard that is to do. much love and prayers are with you during this very difficult time.

[wisewoman]

ahh, he never gives up. Tomorrow if he can make it is another treatment for the bone tumors. I almost hope he can't make it. He is prolonging suffering but who am I to say? He had rootbeer floats with two grand kids last night at midnight and enjoyed the party. Today he is out of it. This week we do Mon and Weds overnights. The tumor on his liver is so massive I can see it clearly when he has his clothes on. He has tumors on his ribs and skull, kidneys, you name it. But maybe he struggles for one more good time. One more special moment. I just want him to feel loved and die as comfortably as possible. He has a blockage/obstruction, partial, in bowels. Too much info? Sorry. It just is hard to be him right now I think and I know it is hard to love him right now cause it hurts.

((((( WISEWOMAN )))))

My heart just aches for the both of you right now. You are in my thoughts and heart.

Petunia