[Ilikepumpkins]

I posted this to relationships as well - not knowing if the same people looked in the same forums.

Six months ago, my Mother-in-law passed after a horrible 7 month battle with cancer. She and my father-in-law had the most well-balanced marriage I'd ever encountered. She had 4 children; the ages of 17, 20, 40, and 45, and two children-in-law. She was a tiny little Italian lady with a huge heart (most especially for her children) who kept everyone in line and kept the family in order. I lived in the house and cared for her while she was ill, I stayed in the house during her funeral week and for a little time after, and I've just been visiting a week because her memorial mass is coming up. Many of the things I'm writing about - I have experienced first hand.

Mom and Dad had a little age difference between them. Mom was 34 and Dad was 24 when they met. In order to marry her, she insisted he join AA first and stick to it. She was raised in a loving family and he was raised by his mother who was very uncaring and mean to him. His sons have taken to describing him as emotionally immature to justify his recent actions. Even six months later the mere thought of this woman makes any of us cry because she meant so much to us. We keep her facebook page open as a support blog for ourselves so we can let her know how much we miss her.

Not even a week after Mom's passing, my Father-in-law began seeing a woman down the street. All they seemed to do is get drunk every night and have parties with loud music at the house when we children were trying to mourn. They have recently broken up and just gotten back together and now act very secretive, quiet, and drink quietly (after a two week binge on Dad's part while calling her the 'woman who gets around a lot' on the street). We think she may have cheated on him but he is so smitten with her that he is somehow ok with it or has justified it.

All of us are very emotionally upset/furious/angry about our Dad's decisions as of recent, but have so far remained silent, not knowing what to do. We are mortified that this woman is sleeping in our Mother's place in the bed while there are still 'I love you' notes from her children posted to the headboard from their last visit to the house before she passed.

In addition, Dad has almost abandoned his two sons still at home. They seem more like day laborers or apartment tenants now than his children. All the while going out of his way to help his new love interest's 8 year old with his homework, taking him fishing, going camping with them (but leaving his own children at home), playing video games, and helping him with his new puppy.

I know that I certainly have some real anger issues with this situation, we all do, and have talked to each out to get our anger out some. I've been speaking with his sons at home and the situation seems dire. Now instead of being a big family, no one comes to visit. Everyone who lives in the house comes home, and instantly goes into their respective rooms and shuts the doors, only coming out for food or to use the bathroom. When they are working on something outside; conversation is limited and coarse with Dad throwing in some not to well 'hidden' jab at one of his sons. Both of his sons are trying to find ways to move out - even if it means they won't finish high school or college. I've also heard that when they are drunk, this woman has been showing Dad real estate every chance she seems to not think the kids are around, but when the kids do come in the room she stops the computer searches.

I'm terrified that Dad was cheating on Mom all this time. Even though we all have had our suspicions due to the speed this lady began sleeping in the house. We are all scared to say anything because are we all going to blow up in an argument and he is going to tell the kids he never loved their mother or that he was cheating? Which will just crush them. I'm afraid he is going to sell the house and kick his two sons to the curb for this woman. I'm also terrified that this woman is using him to get a new house and will divorce him leaving him even more messed up than he seems to be. I have a hard time thinking that their marriage meant that little to him, rather that this is some coping mechanism none of us can understand. Please tell me what you think. Is this common? Is this a sickness or disorder? Is this just running away full speed? I think we ALL need counseling, dad included. But he won't even let the kids turn the heat on in their rooms let alone pay for counseling. I feel like I'm going nuts worrying over my family and everyone's futures.

[madisgram]

well the truth of the matter is that if dad has a problem with alcohol he is the only one who can fix it.
i know you are concerned and disppointed in what's been going on but also you have no power to change him.
the only other thing i could suggest is if the rest of the family agrees you all could do an intervention and usually the is best done with an addiction therapist. otherwise it/he could cause havoc and mayhem and i know that is not what u want to do.
as for his lady friend, he has the choice on this too tho u may be concerned or not like it.
it might help you to accept things as they are right now and get on with your own life. worrying, and i do understand that, will accomplish nothing constructive re this. his behavior and poor chlices prob stem from his alcohol use tho i am not sure. alcohol will skew our perceptions and help us make very poor decisions if we have drinking problems. sounds like he does.
so an intervention may help but no 100% assurance if he chooses to continue drinking. that may be what he does. usually one has to hit a bottom, be it emotional or jail or finances, etc.
hope this helps.
oh and welcome to pc! i'm glad u found us.

[babydoll233]

I think he is selfish and is only thinking about himself. He needs be confronted by all of you and he needs to know he is tearing you all apart. He is acting like an idiot and killing the memory of such a wonderful woman. This is not normal activity, I feel bad for all of you. He sure doesnt, only worrying about himself. You all need to sit him down and tell him he is acting like a fool.... Good Luck

[Perna]

I would support the two younger sons who are trying to move out, see if there is room for them in your/their older siblings' homes maybe. It does not sound like your father-in-law is very stable or loving in his behavior choices after his wife's death but I don't think anyone else can change that and, legally, he can do whatever he likes with selling the house, etc.

The boys are almost grown, they will have to deal with their father's behavior at some point on their own; between him and them individually. I would just see if you can get all the people who are appalled at his bad behavior on the same page helping the two younger boys get on with their lives now so they can mourn their mother, finish school, get into their adult lives.

[Ilikepumpkins]

Thank you all for the replies. I've been dealing with my hubby who is going in and out of depression over all this. He said he woke up wanting to write a symphony but ended up just eating and poking around on the internet all day. (I've been away for a few days at my mother's, and should be returning home in another day or two). He says he can't do anything or concentrate. It's like some days he seems his normal self, and then some days he's short with me, and yet other days he's just quiet. But all the time he's sleeping if he's not working, and has real problems getting up for work at 10pm. He said today that he wants to sell his old car and use the money to see a therapist for what he finally acknowledges is depression, but he also said this is something he's dealt with since he was a teenager and is afraid that he didn't get help soon enough. Just getting help at anytime helps I told him.