[vs tyrant]

!TRIGGER! (Forgot to put the icon, sorry!)










I lost a son in 2002 in a very unnatural way. My fiance at the time saw fit to terminate the pregnancy of 5 months on her own, without the use of a doctor. She did this without my knowledge. I am not a supporter of abortion, and I am certainly not a supporter of murder.

I have been told by my therapist to grieve, that not grieving is a big part of my problem. I don't know how to grieve properly, and I feel it's wrong to grieve and move on knowing that his life was taken and I didn't do anything about it. Surprisingly, my T wasn't able to give me any solid advice.

What do you do to grieve the loss of a loved one after 8 years?

[sane1logic1]

Although I haven't had a very similar situation (having always lived singly), for what it's worth I am convinced that he is in a good space now and that he forgives you both. I feel sure he would be 100% behind you in your concerns for other children and the care for so many people you have given during your life.

[wing]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I too, lost a child at 5 months, though the reason was never known. I still remember and imagine what life would be like if that child had been part of my family.Grieving is a normal process, and the depression that results is part of the healing.Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grieving: shock, denial, bargaining, anger and acceptance. You can go through these stages at different times as part of the process. Perhaps your T can become familiar with this theory and guide you through the steps. There are also grief counselors. A good place to start looking for recommendations is Hospice.

[madisgram]

you stated you had no knowledge of her doing this so you are not responsible for the loss of your son, imho.
as for grieving, i pick a quiet, private moment in my day and focus on my loss. i close my eyes. if other thoughts distract me i acknowlege them and then refocus on my loss. i allow the sadness to surface. i allow myself to feel it. i cry when i do this. i allow myself to cry and acknowlege my sorrow of the "what ifs". once i have cried as long as i need to, and sometimes it's a long time, i tell that someone how much i love them. i tell them i'm so sorry this happened. (the little one had no voice when she did this. it was not her choice to make, imho.) i tell them one day we will be together. i wish them well and tell them they will always have a piece of my heart.
sometimes i need to go thru the above more than once. it's ok to do it as often as is needed for you to find peace and acceptance of what will never be on this earth. then you may be able to heal from within. be kind to your "self".
i wish you peace in your heart.

[jwabf]

I am sorry for your loss...sounds empty doesn't it. But I mean it. I lost a grown son three years ago and I lost his twin at about 5 months pregnancy. The losses were very different but both were very real. Maybe part of you is judging yourself because your son wasn't born, so that part of you tells you that you don't really have anything to grieve, after all you never really had a son. Well...don't listen to that judgemental part of you. Your son was real, he was alive, and you loved him. You already had a relationship with him although you had never met. You had hopes, dreams, expectations, fantasies of bonding moments and father son activities. You need to give yourself pemission to grieve. I am not sure that you have yet.

One suggestion...write him a letter, maybe a letter a day, in a journal. Telling him how you feel and how you miss him and all the dreams you had for him. If you believe in heaven, then tell him how you look forward to meeting him one day and getting to know him. Even if you never share the journal with anyone else I think it will help.

As to your T ... maybe you need to find a T who has experienced the loss of a child, or just someone who specialises in grief and loss. I get a feeling that your T isn't taking this as seriously as needed.

Finally, I really feel that you should consider a grief and loss support group. Compassionate Friends is an organisation of people who have lost children --- for any and all kinds of reasons. There are groups in many cities and they have a website. These are people who will truly understand. Maybe listening to them will help you give yourself the permissions you need to really grieve.

Hope something here helps ... my heart hurts for you.