[cowboy1]

I guess it will never end. My life in 2011 has been nothing but disapointment and one desaster after another. I have no clue what I have done in my life to deserve what is going on. I have never gotten drunk or did drugs all I have done was walk the line. I have never been in jail or anything to put me there. But yet I get hit with my significant other's death that I saw from begining till end feb/8/2011 and then my best friend who was strangled to death by her husband and then my significant other's dog wwho died in my arm's and now my father who has lung cancer all within a four month period. what have I ever done to deserve this all I did was pray for my family's health and asked if it was suppose to happen to anyone let it happen to me. But no I get my heart riped out and stomped on and slaped across the face for spite. Well I can't do it no more who ever what ever has broke me I have fineally died inside.

I understand and comiserate.
I am bipolar, it was triggered 13 years ago, I was diagnosed 10 years ago. The drugs they treat me with change me. They allow to to function in the real world, by function, I mean, perform the menial, life sustaining tasks that most people take as rudimentary. Without the meds. I tend to focus on what others believe to be abstract ideas, and forget "the reality" of life. Without the meds. I am constantly questioning and trying to understand the fabric of reality, I and live within my mind, the outside world is a nuisance, constantly distracting me from grasping the truth.
Everyone wants me to be medicated, they say it isn't healthy to care about what I care about. I don't care what they think, but I feel like I have no choice but to go along. It's just that I lose my passion, my ambition, my desire to understand, anything, then I get depressed, because I no longer love. So then they treat me with more drugs, then I get angry, because life without love or passion is endless agony. It's a cycle the has been replaying for 13 years.
Everything I have loved over the years has been taken from me. It seems like I found a way turn it off now, I just can't care about the "real" world anymore. My Father has cancer, and I feel nothing. I know how bad that sounds, but am powerless to make myself feel anything. I await release, and dearm about the mystery of what hapens after death.

[Leed]

Cowboy, we CAN help you thru this. You HAVE to let us. Please don't give up. We're here for you. Please keep talking -- keep posting. Time DOES heal. I never thought I'd heal either, but I did.

I know you're in horrible pain right now, but people here care about what happens to you!!! You have to believe that! I'm sending prayers your way, and will ask others to pray for you too.

Keep in touch ok? Hugs, Lee

[new widow]

I completely understand how you feel. Although mine didn't happen in one year, I have lost everyone I've ever loved. It's been 5 weeks since I lost my husband and I feel completely empty inside, like I'm just going through the motions of living, but nothing really matters anymore. All I have left are our 2 cats, and really it seems like they'd be happy with anyone who fed and petted them. I have people I talk to who try to help, but the pain is just so bad. I don't feel complete anymore without him. I know it takes time to start to heal, but right now I just don't see any way that this pain will get better.

[IowaFarmGal]

Hi Cowboy! Are you still posting with us? I remember how hard it was for Mom when Dad passed so suddenly, but it will hurt less over time. It sounds like you have a lot of wonderful memories of this very special woman. She would not want you blaming yourself when you did everything you could. You are bombarded with so many things I hardly know what to say! Look for the angels that God has placed nearby to help you through this. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

[IowaFarmGal]

Hello New Widow! I'm so sorry for your pain! It's good you have people around you to talk to that are trying to help. It will get less painful over time.

[yellowted]

I know exactly how you are feeling, nine years ago I was dealt the blow that my partner was terminally ill, whilst dealing with that i was dealt my step father had cancer, I agreed to my pet gerbil being put to sleep two weeks after signing a 'do not ressussitate' form on behalf of my partner, a week later he died, I lost all my friends because i did not have the time to do things for them, was left on my own, no friends, no family support, my only true love taken from me. my heart hurt so much i believed i would never feel good again, but the old saying is right, time does heal . it never totally repairs but it does heal enough to let you function fairly ok. give yourself lots of time. start to make time to do things that help you feel better, maybe a candle lit bath or a walk in the park, anything that is for no other reason but to give yourself the time for healing and relaxing.
talking about your lost loved ones is also a good healer, talk about the good times, these are what you want to remember, forget the hard times, talking about the good ones will help you heal.
no matter what anyone says healing can sometimes take years, i still have the odd few days when it feels like my partner just died yesterday, when the slightest little thing sets me thinking and crying.
on a positive note, you have learnt loads through your experiences, and will be equipped to help someone else who is going through similar things some day.
stay strong, you will feel better in time
hugs x