[somuchmore]

My brother died almost a year ago of an overdose, well a toxic build up of oxycontin, same difference I guess. He and I had not spoke in almost a year.

*back story* He was my half brother (same mother) but it didn't matter. He was 9 when I was born. Anyway my father adopted him and my sister when he married our mom. So we grew up together. (All this will be important, I promise) My dad had two plots if land, one 15 acre and one 56 acres. He put the big plot in his and my brothers name to protect it. My sister and I were married and he didn't want to risk losing family land in a divorce if it ever came to that. My father however believed our brother would do the right thing and keep it for us all. Well my father died about 5 yrs ago with no will. All the life insurance policies were in my name about 30 thousand in all. Well I split it 3 ways with my siblings without hesitation. Not long after all 3 of us found ourselves struggling and decided to sell the 56 acres and split it 3 ways. I handled it for awhile but had some stress and my brother offered to help me. Well somewhere he decided to sell it and keep all the proceeds (it was after all in his name) . From the sell of 56 acres my sister and I got $900 a piece. He didn't even have the guts to tell me. He told our sister and let her handle it. I was beyond livid!

Well a month after that he had a car accident and broke 2 vertibrae in his neck. My whole attitude was well I guess karma really is a B. I did go see him in the hospital but didn't say a word to him or his "girlfriend ". (She is a prescription pill addict by the way. Been to rehab twice and had 3 strokes.) Come to find out he cant have surgery to repair the neck because his artery is closed and they don't want to risk blood clots. So they send him to a pain management clinic and they load him up. A month before he died his ex-stepson called me and told me he was in bad shape. That he had lost about 80lbs and he slurred his words. I figured he was abusing the drugs but still blinded by anger kept that oh well attitude. Well he died from the drug abuse and I broke into a million pieces. Left with the what ifs. Could I have saved him? Did his guilt kill him? Is this my fault? Why did I have to be so stubborn? Maybe if we had just talked like adults? I gave up on my brother and for what? Money?!

I live with the guilt and what ifs everyday. I struggle. This sucks. What does all this say about me as a person? I just feel so empty now.

[Leed]

Dearheart, this is NOT Your fault!!! Not at all. You could NOT have helped him. An addict will NOT stop using just because someone talks/ asks/ begs/ bargains/ threatens, etc. him. The ONLY way an addict will stop is when he hits bottom. And some bottoms are very deep -- and some addicts never hit bottom -- they just die, like your brother did. It's very very tragic, but it's true. Alcoholism and addiction are very cruel diseases that claim the lives of millions each year. And no one can do a THING about it, except the alcoholic or the addict.

YOU are not to blame, and you should NOT be beating yourself up for it. I can certainly understand WHY you were angry with him --- alcoholics and addicts are incredibly selfish people, and he kept that money so he could buy more drugs. It's as simple as that. If he was an alcoholic, he would have done the same thing. Addicts/alcoholics only think of themselves and their drug of choice. Their only thought is when they're going to get their next fix/drink. They're having an affair with their disease. The disease tells them lies, i.e. it will make them better, it will make them feel great, more fun to be around, more 'manly or more feminine' as the case may be. All lies.

You need to go to some Al-Anon meetings or else to a therapist in order to get rid of this guilt and anger. The guilt doesn't belong to you as you have nothing to feel guilty about. I understand the anger, but it's doing you no good. Please see a therapist and get some of these issues out on the table and learn how to put them to rest. God bless and please take care. Big hugs, Lee

[cowboy1]

Iam sorry to hear about what has happened to you it is hard to deal with. I have been throught alot to and think it's my fault for my wife to have died infront of me for no reason on febuary 2012. but lee is right it wasn't your fault and you need that resolutions to you anger and feeling like it was your fault. A group to talk to like lee said might be the best way to go. All my thought's COWBOY1.

[somuchmore]

Thank you both. I will look into something. It's tough being so bitter and angry when there is no one to be angry with anymore. He will have been gone a yr on August 14. Maybe I am having anxiety due to the approaching anniversary. Who knows.

Cowboy1 I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I can't even imagine.

[lizardlady]

Somuchmore, I'm going to join the others in saying you could not have saved your brother. Addicts do what they do. No one has the power to make them stop until they decide to quit.

That said it sounds like you are dealing with complicated grief. It's not unusual for people to have trouble resolving grief when there was some kind of unfinished business involved. How about seeing a therapist to work through it?

[somuchmore]

I really hats therapists. I saw one about 8 yrs ago and just felt like I made no progress. However, I guess it's pretty obvious I'm not on my own either. I am thinking about the al-anon or something similar like Leed suggested. Maybe if I went to grief therapy. Idk.

Thank you for the support. Its nice to know I'm not as crazy as I feel

[somuchmore]

*hats therapists...oops

[somuchmore]

Lol hate therapists...dang auto correct.