[SecretSex]

I saw pieces of a children's play house in the back of a truck today. It seemed to hit me out of nowhere. I stared at the toy and imagined it in my back yard.

How different would my life be if my children had lived? I don't know if I'd have the same friends. Would I have my cats? I could see the minivan I would be driving and the terrible disney music I'd be playing for Savannah. She would be 4 years old already. David and Alex would be 7. I might be a soccer Mom already. I would be sending cloths, toys and utensils to my niece.

All this flashed through my mind so fast. I wonder if I would be happy? Would I be one of those Mom's with regrets who is sad because she's never content?

Does that mean I was destined to be unhappy? I used to get excited over the smallest things. I could enjoy a rainbow, wildlife, Christmas lights and now I don't feel the same spark. Maybe I would have been happy. I had other problems though.

I get like this from time to time. Suddenly I can't imagine myself as anything other than a Mother. I have selective amnesia. I know I don't have kids but the images are so real it's like that is my life. It's not my life. I rely on my husband, my pets and my friends to help me find fulfillment. People shouldn't rely on their kids to find fulfillment anyway. I just would have liked the opportunity to learn that the hard way.

I'd have liked to go through all those questions about my abilities and hope that I was doing well by my kids. Would I have been a good Mom? Would I be too strict or too lenient? How would I look if I spent years putting their every need first? My closet wouldn't be full of nice cloths but Mom jeans and t-shirts.

How many times did my DH lose his leave dates to a family man who needed to travel so his kids could spend time with their grand parents? How would he be? We'd probably still be going to church every Sunday. He would still like Christians. His Dad would probably like him because of that. His best friend wouldn't feel the need to pray for him.

We would be annoying as **** to people who have issues with God. I can see myself now spouting platitudes and thinking I could convince an atheist to love and embrace Jesus. I don't think I would have been that bad because I wasn't that bad before the babies were born but I wouldn't have liked the me that I am now because I have issues with God and with 99% of the super Christians.

We would have been middle-class Americans with a minivan who go to church and talk to all the other parents who go to school with our kids. I bet I never would have known how amazing that is. I never could have recognized that is a dream come true.

So I have to wonder if I've got an amazing life right now. Because of what I've been through can I not see how wonderful my life is? I recognize wonderful things in it but I still get sad. How could I not get sad?

[Travelinglady]

You describe so well the anguish many women feel over never having been able to have children or who have lost them. My sister still grieves over not being able to have any. She doesn't talk about it a lot. She went through 3 IVF's and several years of trying to adopt. She has three cats and a dog now, and she says they are her children.

It's hard to understand, isn't it, especially when all those women out there have children when they didn't even want any.

Have you considered being a volunteer with children? Maybe even babysitting? Taking on foster children? I know these are not the same as having your own, but they are a way to interact with kids and be special.

You definitely sound depressed. I suggest you consider talking to a counselor. As you say, there are so many things in this world that can be enjoyed, but you aren't enjoying them any more. Life is still valuable and has meaning. Please find a way to get some help, so you can get back to a happy state.

We are here for you, and we care.

[SecretSex]

I tried to volunteer with kids once. It didn't work out and I only half tried again. It doesn't make sense but I think I'm afraid of kids now. I get nervous, never know how to act. It's almost like they will break if they come into contact with me. That's silly but I feel it. I don't know how to play any more. I'm not that person I was before I lost my kids and I don't know that therapy is going to give that excitement I used to feel back. That is life. So, I don't care if it rains or if my favorite TV show is on. We all grow up and that is how it is. I can no longer find a logical reason to get excited over childish things so there appears to be no reason to wonder what wrong.

We thought about fostering to adopt but decided against that as well. I can't lose another child. That was why we never even tried to adopt. I buried my own children and have spent the last year since my tubal ligation trying to figure out what gives my life meaning. I thought it was school and the prospect of a future career that I could love. You ask a normal person (normal = someone who has never dealt with child loss) what the meaning of life is and there is at least a 40% chance they will tell you it's your kids and grand kids.

I know I'm depressed. I'm asking for a referral next week. I even have the name of a therapist. A friend gave me his name because we got to talking and decided I may be somewhere on the spectrum like she is. I know many people with autism struggle to be normal and as a result many are depressed. I've always known I have a learning disorder but it took our likenesses to finally have a possible name to give to it.

I don't know what happened that I can't even make babies. You don't have to be smart to have kids. I don't know what I'm capable of; what I'm good at. Do I have any talent? What if I would have made a really great Mom? What if that is my talent and I'll never know.

[Travelinglady]

True, it's like the road that couldn't get taken or at least gotten a good way down, I guess. Sometimes we make choices for ourselves, and sometimes it seems like choices are made for us.

I know I've been accused at times of being a Pollyanna, but I think somewhere in the scheme of things, there's something we are meant to do, some function if you will. I planned on being a college professor for a long time, and all of a sudden it seems I got bipolar disorder and had to go on disability. I know it's not as sad a thing as losing children, but I still grieve over it.

But I am finding plan B--road B? Things that give me a sense of purpose.

I hope you will eventually find that plan B for yourself. It will never be your plan A, that's true, but yet it can make life meaningful again.