[healingone]

As a result of an extramarital affair, I became pregnant. I did not realize I was pregnant until I was 10 weeks along. I have a history of health issues including a stroke 2 years ago, severe anxiety and depression. Keeping the affair a secret from my husband resulted in my anxiety becoming out of control and resulted in increased doses of Klonipin and Paxil. I was given a double dose of Klonipin and was in a drugged state throughout the time of my pregnancy. I was also on medical leave from work due to acute anxiety attacks. After my stroke, I was told it would be extremely dangerous for me to become pregnant again due to stroke risk to me and danger to the baby.

After telling my husband I was pregnant with my lover's baby, we decided to stay together and try to work through things. I went to many of my doctors and my counselor who all said it would be extremely dangerous to continue with my pregnancy and my 3 and 6 year old children could lose their mama in the process. I wanted to keep this baby but knew it was an extremely dangerous thing to do. I tried to focus on the medical facts and realized I had no choice but to terminate the pregnancy.

February 2, 2013 was the day my baby became an angel. To this day, I regret my decision. Everyone tells me it was the only thing to do. The baby had been exposed to massive amounts of Class D prescription drugs from conception, I was at extremely high risk of stroke and eclampsia, and my husband felt he would not be able to look at me or the baby without hating us both.

My emotions have been up and down. I thought I was doing well but just discovered that my former lover's sister (my best friend) as well as his brother's wife are both pregnant. One of them is due exactly the same time I would have been due. In addition, my lover is someone I have known all my life. I have always been madly in love with him and I still am. Part of me wanted to have his child as a symbol of our life-long relationship. I am heartbroken. I continue to feel I made the wrong decision about the baby and there is nothing I can do to change it. I go to counseling and everyone tries to reassure me I had no choice, did the only thing, etc. but I feel I did the wrong thing. What can I do? Is there a way to go back and change things? Other people having babies, especially those due when I should be, bring up all the regret, grief and heartache again.

My heart is broken. I am afraid I can't cope. My whole body hurts with pain.

[Travelinglady]

I'm so sad for the circumstances in which you had to give your baby up. Please remember even some churches do say abortion is okay if the pregnancy is a danger to the mother. And it sounds like the little one would probably have been very damaged as well.

I don't know if you believe in an afterlife, but I do. As a result, you certainly might see your little one in the future and your baby will be whole and happy. I know some people even say they have "a child in heaven."

Yes, you can't change the past, but I can understand your grief. Here's a hug for you and for your little one .

[healingone]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

I'm so sad for the circumstances in which you had to give your baby up. Please remember even some churches do say abortion is okay if the pregnancy is a danger to the mother. And it sounds like the little one would probably have been very damaged as well.

I don't know if you believe in an afterlife, but I do. As a result, you certainly might see your little one in the future and your baby will be whole and happy. I know some people even say they have "a child in heaven."

Yes, you can't change the past, but I can understand your grief. Here's a hug for you and for your little one .

Thank you for the support. I do like to think of my baby as a happy little chubby angel flitting about visiting occasionally. I am in counseling for my anxiety, marital issues, and now dealing with my grief. It's tricky when different triggers occur. That's the hardest part. I'm just not sure how to move on. Perhaps it's just time but I have this desire to be carrying that baby and raise him. I just don't know.

[Travelinglady]

I can understand your desire, but as you know, that's just not possible. I would talk to your therapist about these feelings, if I were you, to see what is suggested. Alas, I don't know what to suggest.