[ThePainNeverDies]

I miss my Mum...

We'd only really known each other for 5 years and had just begun to get close in the last year... Saturday is my birthday, Mum died just 2 days ago at 2pm whilst I was about to board the train in a rush to be by her side for her final moments.

I have another thread in the children of alcoholics section, so I won't write much here. http://forums.psychcentral.com/adult...nal-straw.html

I just wanted to vent some of my pain and anguish. I miss her so much already. I feel completely and utterly empty, my heart feels nothing but pain and love and anger and sadness. It's been completely ripped apart.

I saw the doctor today about getting some therapy in place. She said "You're doing so well; you've got out of bed, showered, dressed, and you're out and about!" I gave her a look of disdain, feeling like a five year old. Really??? That's doing well, is it? I cam back with "Mum wouldn't want me in bed wallowing in sadness because of her death. She would want me to continue to achieve and make her proud."

I don't feel like I'm doing very well, I feel inside like I am just mush. I can't think, talk or do anything properly. I can't even sleep. Somehow I have managed to create meals that I can eat but still the weight is dropping off me, according to friends...

So she offered up Cruise, a counselling company for grief and loss. Cool, but leaving the ball in my court will mean that I will get too depressed to do anything about it or I will make myself so busy that I won't have time, or I will simply forget. I have forgotten until now..

I am so empty and so sad right now. It's my birthday in 3 days and all I can think is this is the first time in 6 years that I won't get a birthday card from my Mum Ergh the pain is just excruciating. How could she be improving last Sunday, only to be gone 8 days later?

I'd stupidly taken hope from seeing her improve and even more stupidly thought that she would continue to improve.

I wish I'd been more prepared, I wish I could have done something, I wish, I wish, I wish I had been there

[ThePainNeverDies]

The funeral is 1st July... Anxiety is setting in

[Rohag]

I'm so sorry. Condolences & Peace...

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you Rohag. Only one week to go, I am so nervous. And I am torn between who I should take with me to support me. My new partner, who has been SO supportive despite only having been together a week; or my friend who has known me 2.5 years and has seen me cry and supported me through tough times.
I am leaning more towards my partner only because I trust him wholeheartedly (which *never* happens with anyone!) and because I don't want to push him away, plus I know he will be the support I need. But I don't want my friend to feel pushed away either...

[Sabrina]

I am sorry for your loss.

[bebop]

hon I am so sorry for your loss. I would say have both your partner and your friend go be with you! at times like these you can't have too many supporters by your side.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you Bebop for your message. I spoke to my friend today, and unfortunately, he says he cannot put his feelings aside for that one day and would find it extremely difficult to see me with my partner and my partner supporting me... So it was either go with just my friend, or just my partner. I chose my partner. The whole time that I was stressing about who I should choose and why, I had already chosen my partner. Although we haven't been together long, I could hardly push away his offer of support and actually, if he was willing to support me now why shouldn't I take that?

So we'll be travelling down on Monday morning to attend the funeral. We'll attend the wake too, and then go back to my cousin's for some Auntie-Niece bonding time and to learn more about myself as a child, and my Mum.
I am not looking forward to the funeral, but I am looking forward to meeting the rest of my family. Very nervous about it, very anxious. But I have written Mum's eulogy and I will be buying flowers on Monday before the funeral - yellow roses and chrysanthemums, to put in with Mum when she is cremated.

It is less than a week to go and I have still not decided what to wear... Long dress, knee length dress, skirt suit, trousers. ?!?!?!? It's awful that it's such a difficult choice to make...

[Wren_]

I'm sorry, that's such a hard thing you are going through
i'm glad you have someone going with you. Is either your friend or partner able to make an appointment for you with the counselling people?

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you for your message , tigergirl. I am making appointments with the necessary people along the way, in between organising everything else.

I have decided that I will wear my best, Jasper Conran dress which has a beautiful black sash down the back and trails behind me. It has little detailed jewels on the straps and would work nicely with a yellow chrysanthemum and rose pinned in my hair.

It has been decided that we will travel down on Sunday night so that we can have a relaxing morning, doing something to ease my anxieties. I'm not sure what my partner has planned but so far he has got it all right so I trust him

Tonight I will be reading the eulogy out loud to test that it only reads for 2-3 minutes and then it will be tucked safely in my diary which I will take with me.