[Rosondo]

I know Kluber-Ross talks about different stages after loss but it's not clear how long each stage should last. Sometimes people go back to same stage over and over again or one stage lasts a long time.

I think generally people try to avoid strong negative emotions, so be it deep sadness or intense anger at loss or whatever. I think sometimes therapists try to encourage people to deal with emotions head-on. Presumably that way you can get through the stage faster and better, than to keep self busy compulsively and not face the issues.

I've tried sitting in meditation and when strong feelings come, to observe them without judgement but usually as soon as I try to observe them they lose their intensity or my train of thought gets disrupted. So I lose touch with the emotion. I've tried to look at pictures or just lie down and say all the things I've missed about the person or thing or whatever I have lost. I try to write it down. I try to read books about people dealing with loss of all kinds. But not much success..

Are there particular methods or ways, ones you learned from your therapists or you have learned from your own experiences, that are helpful?

[the abyss]

loss can last the rest of your life, it shows how much you cared about that person, in some cultures [ not western ] if the dead are remembered they still exist , they are never forgotten
take care.

[Travelinglady]

I am not sure it is something that can be rushed through, although some people might move more quickly than others. You might be able to find some books on grief that can offer suggestions for dealing with your feelings. One little book I have offers suggestions for coping such as: 1) Keeping a journal, 2) Using music--listening to music you enjoy, play an instrument, compose music, 3) do artwork/crafts of some kind, 4) meditate or do some other spiritual thing such as prayer or reading scripture, 5) write letters--to the loved one who has died, to God, to other people (They don't need to be sent.), 6) exercise, 7) scream, such as into a pillow, 8) read--about grief and/or read to escape from grief such as novels or magazines, 8) talk through your feelings with others.

These are just some suggestions. There are other ways, too. You just have to find which ones are helpful to you. As you are finding, some will work for you and others will not.

[Rosondo]

Thank you so much for the advice and compassion, I appreciate it.

[tametc]

I think that perhaps the greatest losses take the longest to recover from. I want to encourage you to be patient and gentle with yourself. I broke my knee years ago in a car accident, and I couldn't even put any weight on my leg for six weeks, and had months of physical therapy after that. A broken bone takes as long as it needs to heal. A broken heart can't be rushed, either.

[Petra5ed]

My only advice is just don't avoid grieving. You might not want to burden people around you by talking about it etc, but my advice is that you ignore that voice and talk about it. Talk about the person you lost too. I feel like when we lose someone we have an urge to tell people about that person, and I think it helped me. Remember it will get better and easier with time.

[tametc]

I try to let myself go with the flow of emotions, rather than trying to stem the tide. If I feel sad, or cry, I don't try to distract myself out of it, or try to feel better right away. I let myself grieve in the moment.

I am also trying to make healthy choices regarding food, sleep, getting out of the house, connecting with friends, etc. I like to crochet, so have decided to crochet some realistic-looking orchids. My therapist raised orchids in his office, and it's one way I can honor him. Plus, it's less work than trying to keep a real plant.

I set aside one day a week that is my day to grieve. I try to keep that day free of other obligations, so that I can allow myself to think about him, cry, laugh, journal, swear, nap, pray, or whatever I feel like in that moment. And if the tears or sadness come at other times during the week, I let them come.

I also read quotes from others who have experienced grief. I find myself writing them down, and plan to put them in a "memorial book" at some point. One I found especially touching is, "How blessed I am to have known someone who is so hard to say good-bye to." I hope you are able to find what works for you. You have my hugs, and my empathy.

[mzunderstood79]

My daddy just died Nov. 10 and I feel so rushed to take care of business that has to be done. I live right next door to my parents and my children spent every weekend with them and not getting my morning calls to say, "good morning, daughter!!" hurts every morning. My pain is so fresh from this but I don't think there is anything to make it go away but for me, time has always helped. There will good days and bad days, I know. My children give me motivation. God always sends a rainbow after a storm. Best wishes to you!!

[lizardlady]

Rosondo, grief can't be rushed. There's no magic way of making it hurry up and be over. Actually, it you try to rush it the emotions just end up buried and you have problems to deal with down the road. The best advice I can give is to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Maybe instead of observing your feelings you could experience them. Does that make sense?

I think someone else said this already. Grief can last the rest of your life. My brother died 43 years ago. I still miss him. My Mom has been gone four years. I miss her every day. Matter of fact I dreamed about her last night.

Please be kind to yourself and let the process take the time it needs to take.

[Grey Matter]

Sadly, there is no time line. I am sure all of us wish there was. But alas. It is an experience that is individualized. Grief can last from days, to weeks, to months, to years. I tend to ignore timelines regarding grief as they have left me frustrated. Rather I go through the motions myself and speak to those going through something similar.

Please take care.

[tametc]

I'm so sorry about your dad. You are in my thoughts.

[Gus1234U]

every one is different: each stage of grieving can come and go many times, some find resolution sooner or later than others; nothing is certain, except that we will all feel grief at some time.

i was given this link to a blog site for trauma recovery skills, and they are so applicable to so many kinds of distress, that i would share that link with you here: C PTSD - A Way Out | A place to check in daily

i hope you can focus on the little bits of goodness in each day as you go thru this.

Gus

[CantExplain]

Crying is the fastest way to grieve.

[Max Ra]

1.} Don't rush it. Let it be at it's own pace.

2.} Think of the person ... it will mostly immediately get your feelings clear.

3.} Don't try to prolong or shorten anything consciously.

4.} Presently ... get good sleep.

5.} Be with nature. It helps.

Regards,
Max Ra ...

Originally Posted by Rosondo

I know Kluber-Ross talks about different stages after loss but it's not clear how long each stage should last. Sometimes people go back to same stage over and over again or one stage lasts a long time.

I think generally people try to avoid strong negative emotions, so be it deep sadness or intense anger at loss or whatever. I think sometimes therapists try to encourage people to deal with emotions head-on. Presumably that way you can get through the stage faster and better, than to keep self busy compulsively and not face the issues.

I've tried sitting in meditation and when strong feelings come, to observe them without judgement but usually as soon as I try to observe them they lose their intensity or my train of thought gets disrupted. So I lose touch with the emotion. I've tried to look at pictures or just lie down and say all the things I've missed about the person or thing or whatever I have lost. I try to write it down. I try to read books about people dealing with loss of all kinds. But not much success..

Are there particular methods or ways, ones you learned from your therapists or you have learned from your own experiences, that are helpful?

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by Rosondo

I know Kluber-Ross talks about different stages after loss but it's not clear how long each stage should last. Sometimes people go back to same stage over and over again or one stage lasts a long time.

I think generally people try to avoid strong negative emotions, so be it deep sadness or intense anger at loss or whatever. I think sometimes therapists try to encourage people to deal with emotions head-on. Presumably that way you can get through the stage faster and better, than to keep self busy compulsively and not face the issues.

I've tried sitting in meditation and when strong feelings come, to observe them without judgement but usually as soon as I try to observe them they lose their intensity or my train of thought gets disrupted. So I lose touch with the emotion. I've tried to look at pictures or just lie down and say all the things I've missed about the person or thing or whatever I have lost. I try to write it down. I try to read books about people dealing with loss of all kinds. But not much success..

Are there particular methods or ways, ones you learned from your therapists or you have learned from your own experiences, that are helpful?

Who did you lose and when?