[dillpickle1983]

I lost my rock, Mom, on 1/13/2005.

It was totally unexpected. She went in her sleep, I hope. I've denied her death for years. I haven't dealt with the emotions yet. I've locked them away in my mental vault. Every holiday is torturous for me. I'm convinced I have some form of PTSD from it, being that I was the one that found her (after dad couldn't wake her and came and got me). I was the one who had to call 911. I was there when the paramedics said she was gone, the police watched get in my car and drive off. I was quite hysterical. I was the one that had to drive across town and tell her brother.

We never had a proper service for my mother. Her ashes were once stored in a storage locker (thanks dad) while he was in the process of moving.

In 2007-8 (I don't remember) My grandfather passed. Her ashes were buried next to him in Monticello, FL where she was born and raised. I haven't been back down there since the funeral for my grandfather because I can't handle it. It only takes the smallest emotional trigger and I am a mess. TV, Music, Smells, Voices, anything. It doesn't help that my sister lives down there and doesn't care for my company.

I still relive that day very very vividly pretty much anytime triggers me, like I stated above. It could be everyday, or once per week or longer.

Nearly every day I get right to the point of crying and I hold myself back. I don't know why. The tears come, and I have to wipe them from my face, but I just can't let loose. My family is like it's time you get over it. I was a momma's boy. We talked everyday. Even when I lived out of town.

I think she is with me everyday in various things. I'm sure she was there when I graduated culinary school, which I did for her. I was ready to drop out after her death, but I ended up graduating in August 2005. I'm sure she helped me get out of sticky situations when I was a trucker. I just want to talk to her. It's so hard. I don't really believe in mediums, but as I research it I am a believer more and more.. I get premonitions about stuff so I don't know.

I know I'm not the only one not grieving, or grieving the wrong way, or not. My therapist asked me to write a letter to mom, but I became full of emotion and I couldn't get the first sentence completed. This is about as far as my letter is getting. I'm in complete tears even writing this.

I totally believe that some of my illnesses are a direct relation to my mother's death. Depression and the massive mood swings.

I'm sorry to unload.

[lizardlady]

I'm sure you've heard this before, but we all grieve at our own pace. My Mom was my best friend. She died in 2009. I still miss her.

You said you were crying as you typed your post and couldn't get beyond the first sentence in your letter because you were crying too hard. What about letting yourself cry as long as you need? Maybe you need to give yourself the chance to really let it out?

[dillpickle1983]

Everytime I start to cry, I hold it back without thinking about it. I don't know why I do that. I really need to find something really emotionally jerking to let it all out.

[Pierro]

Hello Dillpickle,
I am so sorry that you are unable to come to terms with your mothers death, I agree that a death like that can indeed be a PTSD. I do think its a good idea of your therapist that you write a letter to your mom, but maybe not a letter,maybe you are not ready to write a letter.Sometimes words, just single words can be a start. Just what you are thinking when you are remembering that awful experience. Acceptance is a very difficult thing to come to terms with. My mom died in 2002 and I couldnt stop crying for years and this time of year is so dreadfull as you know all to well. Then my brother died last year and I felt numb. I couldnt cry. Then a few months ago, it all came together like a stunami. Tell yourself its ok to cry, surrender to it. Remember if you wish to write the letter, you dont have to sit down and "write". Do it at your own pace. Dont rush it, There is no time limit on grief, and go easy on yourself because if you are thinking like me , I beat myself up about not getting on with things and coming to terms in a reasonable ammount of time. Also I would just like to add that you said that you didnt have a service for your mother? Well maybe you could think about having one in the New Year. It is never to late to celebrate your moms life. I think that it would help you as that is part of a missing link. I am sorry its a long post but I do wish you all the very best and you can pm me anytime if you feel like talking or want a distraction. Take care of yourself.

[dillpickle1983]

Thank you for the replies. I had to unload. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

The loss of a loved one is very, very hard. If you are able to let yourself cry do so. This is part of the healing process. I'm sure your mother loved you very much and she would want to see you happy and moving along in your life. Maybe this can be a goal for you to live your live to the fullest in honor of your mother.

[Aria11]

my brother passed away a few days go.It was so unexpected...i miss him,but i talk to him everyday..i feel his presence and i know he is protecting us from wherever he is...the only thing that helps me right now is the thought that he would want to see me happy...im sure your mom would want the same for you...i hope you find closure soon...i wish you all the best...

[gayleggg]

I understand where you are. My mom died 2010. She was my best friend. I still haven't finshed grieving. Yesterday was hard I cried. I managed to pull myself together long enough to get through lunch at my daughter's. I thought I had worked through the grief at one point and could talk about the happy days with her, but now again the memories just bring me to tears.

I'm afraid I would be like you, I don't think I could get a letter out. I know part of it is my deep depression right now, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

My thoughts are with you.

[TerryL]

i found my mother too. she was on the floor by the bathroom. i also feel i have ptsd from it. i think sudden trauma like that can make us stuck and unable to move forward. i don't have any advice. just wanted to let you know i understand a little.

[Ragamuffin77]

My father passed away four years ago and I haven't grieved properly yet. Sadly there is no set time for grief, but letting yourself feel it is always helpful