[CaptainKirk]

It was back in September but I can't stop thinking about it. I met her way back in May when I was getting over the loss of another friend, and we got pretty damn close. We talked about everything, and in June or so she told me her boyfriend was abusing her. Of course I encouraged her to leave him, and eventually she did. But it didn't end there...

He kept bugging her, hitting her, and when she ended up moving to get away from him, he sent friends to jump her on the way home from school. I was gay at the time, but I found out that a lot of the problems in the relationship were because me and her were such good friends. He thought she was cheating, I guess, with me, even though that never had any chance of happening. Finally I stepped in and talked to him myself, although she really didn't want me to, for my sake.

Me and him fought all the time. Not physically, though that was always a threat. He was so violent I developed the fear of open doors at night, because I always saw him coming through there with a knife and taking me out of the picture.

We talked so much we were almost friends, except it was always threats, and me trying to get him to leave her alone and him being a general sociopath. I don't remember so well what we talked about, but I remember one night he told me he was "finishing her." I never saw her again. He's in prison for life, but I just can't shake the feeling that I could have done something and stopped this. She could be alive.

He always talked about killing me instead. I always wondered if maybe, had I let that happen, he would be in prison and she would be alive. We did contact the police about the abuse, but he managed to kill her before the trial for that ever came around. The other thought I always had is what if I went and killed him? This all probably sounds totally insane, but it's just what I've been thinking about these past few months. I feel so guilty.

[Stronger]

I'm so sorry that happened.
Please know that you will only drive yourself crazy with the "what if" thoughts or the "if I had only" thoughts. I've had friends kill themselves, and I know from experience that those thoughts are by far the most dangerous thoughts to entertain.

It's not your fault, dear.

It isn't even partially your fault. What you're feeling is called survivor guilt.

I'm so sorry about the tragedy, and what you're going through.

So very sorry for that poor girl and for you. What happened was not your fault, not even partially. Your friend was lucky to have you to talk to and you even stood up to her ex and tried to help. If your friend did not have you she would have found someone else to confide in and then that person would have been the third wheel. Her ex was seriously disturbed and would have found another friend or other reason to hurt her if you were not in the picture. It would have happened anyway. Try to hold onto the good memory of your friend as that is your tribute to her. Sharing your story, like you did here, may also help other people to get away from a bad relationship sooner. If I were your friend, I would be proud of you and thankful that you were there for me and tried to help. I'm sure your friend is proud of you too from wherever she is now.

[lizardlady]

CaptainKirk, going to repeat what the others said. This is in no way your fault. You did what you could to help her. This is 100% on the head of the person who murdered her.

Have you considered seeing a grief counselor? As someone else pointed out, it sounds like you are having survivors guilt. That's not unusual. It could help to talk to someone trained to help.