Finally Writing About My Loss

This is still hard for me to write but I find that this community is very supportive and understanding. So I thought I'd let it out here. My cousin passed away on July 5th, 2013. It was the first time I've ever lost anyone.

She died after her boyfriend fell asleep at the wheel and lost control of the car. To this day, I still feel angry and I know it's wrong to be angry. I'm mad that she was the one who died and they left with no injuries. I never told anyone I feel anger. I should forgive but my heart won't let me. When I learnt she died, I kept telling myself that people don't just die. When people die, it's not suppose to come out of nowhere (I know this is wrong but it made sense at the time). We went to see her body and I didn't want to leave because that would be the last time I'd see her body because she was going to be incinerated. I cried and cried, begging to not leave because leaving would make it real. At the funeral, I was too numb to do anything but stare. To this day, I ache. I avoid thinking about her. It hurts me so much.

The worse thing of all? I've convinced myself I have no right to be so hurt over this. I only saw her during the summers and our age difference made our relationship not as close as say my sister and her. I feel no right to ache so much but I do. I hurt so much and I never talk about it because I have no right to be sad.

I loved her dearly. She inspired me to be me, to be different and I regret never thanking her for that. Anyway... She was a bright light in the lives of many and gosh, I wish everyone in this community could have met her. She was the person who lived life to it's fullest. Nothing held her back. She loved unconditionally, she had the talent of understanding all ; young and old and she was... so so beautiful.

I thank you all for reading this. It was very hard for me and I hope you all understand how much I appreciate all those who take the time to read this.

My Dear ~ losin' it all ~
I am so sorry for your loss. No one can say that you are not allowed to feel this as deeply as you do. They are your feelings, don't apologize to anyone for having them.
Death is a hard thing, everyone handles it in their own way. Give yourself time. There is no time limit on grief. It is yours to handle as you wish.

You write well and may I suggest you do some more? Perhaps writing about this, to your cousin, to yourself, will help you sort and move through the stages of grief. Look up Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote eloquently and compassionately about grief.

Many hugs to you as you allow yourself to feel this.

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is to open up about bereavement b/c I too have loved and lost and am slowly moving through the grieving cycle.

My father passed away from heart failure over a decade ago yet my heart is still broken from his permanent physical absence. I still grieve over him and will always miss him. He was someone who still managed to sing and dance when he wasn't feeling too drained and weak from the dialysis txs. I admire him for his jovial demeanor and how he always gave my sister and I positive reinforcement and encouragement.

A couple Thanksgivings ago, I was choking back tears when my Stepdad's friend casually mentioned his goings to dialysis tx.s. Anything that reminds me of my Dad usually causes that feeling of either choking back tears; or when I'm around just family, allowing the tears to just flow out naturally. It was so difficult to choke back the tears, but this was my first time meeting my Stepdad's friends and I didn't want to come off as so emotional. I didn't even know I was going to have that reaction. It was so sudden.

Anyway, you do have every right to feel sad b/c you loved her and she had a positive impact on your life. She sounds like the kind of person any good-hearted person would appreciate and miss dearly.

Dear 11losin_it_all11

I feel for you mate! I've been through something very similar. Just wanted to send you lots of hugs