[Soccer mom]

I lost my mom in May to lung cancer after just a month knowing she had it. We didn't have the greatest relationship. When I was young, she wasn't very nurturing - I never remember her holding my hand, or being affecitonate to me. Everything was fine as long as I had good behavior. In high school she began drinking more and eventually got hooked on prescription pain pills. She was controlling and manipulative with money. However, no one else knew this about her - we just seemed like a typical family.
I haven't really cried since she passed. I've started seeing my T. again in April to help me through this. I've seen her as needed for 4 years but this has been the longest. When I bring up not crying over my mom, she asks "what if you never grieve?".
Is it possible not to grieve? I now find myself feeling closer to my T. than ever before and wonder if it's due to my mom's loss.
Just curious if anyone else has had a hard time grieving....

[kaliope]

my mom died in nov or dec, don't remember which now. I know she went on hospice in nov and her funeral was in dec but it was weeks after she died. she wasn't very nurturing either. my sister died soon after in jan. I was closer to her. I cried upon the news of her death, but not much more. I haven't cried for my mother. t tried to get me to process the deaths but I didn't feel I had anything to process. I didn't feel I had relationships to grieve so what was the point. I don't feel loss. maybe I am just a warped person with no feelings.

[littlemiss44]

I relate so well with you. I lost my mom just 4 weeks ago to lung cancer. My.mother wasn't nurturing loving or very kind. As you described my mom never really hugged me, played with me or held my hand. You are not alone. I've also had a hard time grieving the loss because of her emotional abuse. I have overwhelming guilt that I'm having trouble. I know it's brought my depression back again which I'm mad at. My therapist says grieving will come with time. I was just crying my eyes out then I read yr post. It's comforting that I'm not alone. Please pm me if you want so we can support eachother. I'm sending hugs yr way. Please take care of yr self.

[vonmoxie]

I'm so sorry, for all your losses.

I think the key is just to honor your feelings. I buried myself in my work after my husband died, and at the time it seemed like a good idea to have a distraction -- and my employer certainly encouraged it. But the extra stress from working all that overtime severely delayed and compounded the grieving process for me, and unfortunately it becomes much harder to resolve later on.

So be really good to yourself in the first months, and if you do not have a whole lot of social support at the moment, or just could use some more, definitely consider joining a bereavement support group. It helps to spend some time among people who understand. My mother-in-law did this and she found it really helpful.

__________________
vonmoxie

[littlemiss44]

Thank you for yr kind words. I'm so sorry you lost yr husband. That must have been so devastating. I really appreciate you wrote me. I think yr right too...I should join a support group. Bless you.

[Violet Blue]

My condolences to Soccer Mom and all who are posting. I can relate.

Death, loss, and grief are all so deeply confusing. And excruciatingly painful. Throw the highest level of dysfunction and many "different" mental health issues into the mix and - well - it can really mess you up.

I worked hard at a very young age to cut off my feelings of grief. No one explained death in a way I could grasp so I stuffed everything. Anger, pain, fear. All of it got stuffed. Then, as I became a teen and as other loved ones fell, I stuffed even more. As an adult sufferring more loss, I finally collapsed and crawled into therapy.

After grieving for each of "them," I found myself grieving for what never was, what will never be, and what could have been.

It took me a long time to figure out that it was OKAY to grieve for ME, and not just them. (At least not them all the time!) My entire family is gone now and after paring off the many years and layers of dysfunction and grief, I found me. That's what was under all that "stuffing." Me.

And here I am. I still hurt, some days. I'm lost, some days, but dammit, most days I am ok. I'm gonna be okay!

I truly hope you all will be too.

[littlemiss44]

Thank you for yr post...I really needed to hear it. As time goes on the pain continues but it's still do fresh for me. Only 6 short weeks ago did I lose my mom. I've never thought about grieving for myself. All the hurt, pain, inner turmoil, anger and resentment still festering at the surface. Why couldn't she have left this world giving me love? Why would I expect it to be any different tho? So many questions without enough answers. The dysfunction runs so deep! Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in the ocean floundering...trying to find my way thru the lies and deceptions...all I have left is a brother who molested me. A.sister who bullies me and my angry father who is one of my main abusers. I have trouble trusting others. I.yearn to have love from others but I'm afraid to get too close. I was just speaking of the family members I have left while growing up. I have a wonderful bf a beautiful daughter and an awesome son. So I love these people with all my heart...each day is a gift. As I write this and look around I have alot to be thankful for. The destructive family of origin is in the past and I will live on no matter how hard it is. Thanks for reading my rant...I just needed to get that out. God bless you all and again I'm so sorry for yr losses. Keep them close to yr heart for they live on in you.

[Violet Blue]

I knew "intellectually" that my mother loved me, but it wasn't enough for me. I needed to feel it. For years I thought "I" must've been unloveable. It was much easier to just blame myself than to admit my mother didn't try hard enough to break the chain that was handed down from generation to generation.

And I admint, even today I fall back on that self blame. It's easy and familiar. But, if I can ground myself enough, I can see it wasn't all about me. My mother learned from her mother who learned from her mother and so on.

Some would say she did the best she could. I guess to some degree I believe that. I just wished she had a little bit more to give.

Our time here is limited. I spent a considerable amount of time grieving for others and myself. I'm just trying to find some sunshine and hang around in it for awhile.

[littlemiss44]

Sunshine is right where you should be. They didn't know any better but I broke the chain. I.broke it wide open and I'm thankful that I did. Thank you for yr words of encouragement. It means alot.

[Violet Blue]

Good for you littlemiss44! Breaking chains is empowering so all the power to you!

Originally Posted by littlemiss44

Sunshine is right where you should be. They didn't know any better but I broke the chain. I.broke it wide open and I'm thankful that I did. Thank you for yr words of encouragement. It means alot.