Losing the only one who knew

I’m not sure where to put this as it is about my niece who passed away at just 18 years old. Because we were quite close in age, we spent a lot of time together and were very good friends as well as Aunty/Niece.

I’m struggling with grief overall. But there is one thing that is selfishly on my mind a lot recently.

She was the only one who knew I had been abused. I didn’t plan to tell her but she went through a similar experience. I had no idea it would be something so big when the miserable Facebook statuses came out. A quick message to see what was wrong lead to her pouring her heart out over the internet. My heart was breaking for her. I felt sick. I wished I was near her to give her a hug and just listen as she cried but while we were only about 20kms away I couldn’t get there and in reality she would’ve have wanted that then. She blamed herself, she could have said no but she didn’t, she made excuses instead all of which he ignored but she was too ashamed to say no, she shouldn’t have been there in the first place and so on. She told me in detail how she lay wondering how long it would take and wishing away the seconds. She thought it was ages but in reality it probably wasn’t. I found out it was over a week beforehand. She made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t but, even with my own secret, struggled with whether I was doing the right thing. She was younger than I was when it happened to me. Did that make it different? He went further too. I caught up with her a few days later. It was at a family event so we couldn’t talk about it easily. Eventually we snuck off to the paddock with the horses and I asked her how she was doing. She said okay and looked away. I told her I thought about what happened all the time. I asked her if she’d told anyone. She had told a friend. I listened as she told me again what happened. She didn’t cry just recounted the facts. I urged her to tell her mum (which she eventually did later). She said she had never felt so alone and no one would really understand if she told them. I told her I’d never been through something as horrible as her but I had been in a situation where I experienced similar emotions and promised I’d be there for her, whenever, wherever. She pushed me to tell her what happened and despite everything I was so reluctant to. I made several generalised comments before she burst into tears and said please tell me, I don’t want to feel so alone. I was also crying, so I apologised saying it doesn’t compare but told her my story. She was sobbing so loudly I’m surprised no one heard us. She kept saying I’m sorry I had no idea you were going through that. I pointed out she would’ve been 10 when it happened so it’s not like I would’ve told her anyway! I had pushed the emotion so deep inside to the point I could almost convince myself I made it up. Talking hurt so bad and more than anything the fear came flooding back, but at the same time was incredibly healing. She asked a lot about what actually happened and I told her how it happened over several months, how it was always his fingers or things. She asked about the pain. She asked if anyone noticed I was acting different. She asked what the absolute worst part was. I told her it was the sheer terror of having him over me. She said it was the same for her. I told her how after the first time I hid in my bedroom after and blasted the radio as loud as I could. I hadn’t been able to hear the song that was on (Black velvet) since without flipping between scared and teary. She told me she had a song too, the first song that played on her iPod after. Perfect by Pink.
We only talked about it a handful of times since then. She continued to grow into an amazing young woman and an incredible friend. She got in with the wrong crowd for a while and made mistakes but doesn’t everyone. She had sorted herself out and started working at a great new job but one critical mistake and she was gone. I’ll never see her gorgeous smile again, never experience her beautiful bubbly personality. I never told her how grateful I am for everything she gave me and how sorry I am that I couldn’t have made things better.

To be fair, there is a lot of other issues that probably affect this (you could write a very interesting book about myself and family) and I considered seeing a counselor but at $90 per session it’s unaffordable. Her passing has bought up a lot of other old grief which is feel I can kind of deal with but I’m just not sure how to deal with this so I can grief for her the way she deserves. I welcome any ideas...

Also 'my' person was someone I am related to. He has been gone several years now and if I were to bring it up it would bring a lot of hurt to family members who in no way deserve it.

Hi, pinkysmile, and welcome to Psych Central! I am sorry about your loss. I don't think you are being selfish in thinking about the upsetting experiences you shared. I am glad the two of you were able to confide in each other. Please rest assured, knowing that she appreciated your sharing together, and you will always have many good memories about her.

I'm so sorry for yr loss...you both shared some very hard things. Abuse is sinister. It robs us of our innocence. I too was abused by a family member but when I finally got the courage to talk about it I was told to shut up and that it didn't happen. You both shared a very delicate issue...it bonded the two of you. I.know she's grateful to have had you to talk to about it. I would have done anything to have someone to listen. It's a tragic end to a life just beginning. I'm.just so sorry.