[imnotokayipromise]

hi. i feel like i'm going to make some typos so i apologize in advance, i'm just shaking pretty bad right now. warning that this is going to talk about suicide and self harm.

so one of my best friends has dealt with a lot of the same things i have. she's self harmed, she's been suicidal, all that and then some. i'd say she's definitely had it harder than i have as well. bear in mind that i only know her through the internet and i have no way offline to contact her.

we created a bit of a support system for one another. if i was ever wanting to hurt myself or my bad thoughts were coming back or i felt disgusting, she gave me advice and support. and i told her the same, if she ever needed anything she could come to me.

well the other day she was suicidal. and she sent me a message asking for help. but i didn't see it until three hours later.

and she hasn't been online since. i can't contact her, i can't know if she's alive or not. i replie d to her message to me asking for help but i don't even know if i sent it in time. the last thing she posted was a bit of a suicide note. i know she's attempted to end her life before but i'm scared that it worked this time. and even worse, if it did, it's my fault. i promised that i would be there for her and i broke it, i broke th at promise. i wasn't there. and now if she's dead, it's because of me. i ****ing killed one of my best friends.

and who knows if she even is dead or not. there's no way for me to know that and i've tried contacting mutual friends but nobody has responded yet. it's been over a day since she's been online and i'm so worried. i just want her to be alive, i want her to be okay. but she might not be and if she isn't i'll know it's my fault. it's my fault if she's dead.

i don't know how i'm supposed to live with this guilt. and if she isn't here anymore, i can't go to her funeral or anything. i never got to tell her everything i wanted to say and she might not be alive anymore. i'm terr ifed because i don't know what i'm going to do if she's gone. i can't deal with this and i'm so scare d. and it's all my fault.

[Raindropvampire]

It is not your fault. I want you to repeat that. You didn't cause this. You did not make this choice for her. You simply didn't see a message right away. That does not make you a bad person. That does not make you guilty.

I truly do understand where you are coming from. It took me years to let go of the guilt I felt over a similar incident. I had a friend call and ask me to come over. On the way out the door another friend called and needed to go to the ER and needed a ride. I took her to the ER and it was a few hours before I could call my other friend and let her know what happened. She didn't answer so I thought she went to bed. I found out the next day that she had committed suicide. This wasn't your fault please do not blame yourself.

[Frankbtl]

Hi imnotokayipromise, IF anything has/were to happen then it seriously isn't/wouldn't be your fault. From what you've said you've done everything you could for her, even when you were struggling yourself. You have been a really good friend to her.
And missing the message........well you can't be expected to (no-one can be expected to!!) have superhuman powers, however much you care (and you clearly do) you just can't possibly be at hand.........waiting every minute of the day.
And you know, there will be times when someone is in that dark of a place that there is absolutely nothing anyone can do or say, however hard they try/however supportive they are/however much they care, to turn things around for them.......to stop them from.......
But IF........you did try to give her the tools to work through things, you were there for her.........depression can just sometimes rob you of any tools/strength you have to deal with things just as quickly as you build them up...........and when you see/feel no other options........
What really counts though is that you cared and she would have known that, you tried, you were there for her, you were probably there for her when no-one else was at times, you helped her feel understood, you respected her, you made her feel less alone, you even allowed her to feel valued/like she mattered by giving her the chance to help you.
Now IF something has happened then to have all of that in the lead up to............well hasn't that still made a real difference/said something really important about her and about her life. Sometimes there's only so much you can do, and you've clearly done that, including making her life matter so much more in/despite her battle.
And you..........it is a battle, IF something has happened, then she clearly fought it really hard, so a lesson, an inspiration, hey??
Sometimes it's about doing all you can do in "getting by" and trying to make it through to the "other side". So make sure you're getting plenty of support with what you're going through.
Not forgetting we're here for you too.
Alison

[imnotokayipromise]

thank you for the responses. i found out that she is okay and she is alive. she's not in the best condition right now but she's still here. and that's honestly all i could ask for right now. i do feel guilty but she's still here. thank you again for all your support.

[Frankbtl]

Hi imnotokayipromise, well it's really good news that your friend is alright
Although she's not "doing great" it must have been quite a relief to find that out at the time?
And now.........well it sounds like you've already been doing a really good job being there for her despite the way she's feeling.
If you can encourage her to get some more help then that would be good, so please try..........but if not, well it sounds like she's very lucky to have a friend like you whatever...........so please don't feel guilty you can only do as much as you can/know to do at the time.

Alison

[Fuzzybear]

[LEZBEAN]

Originally Posted by imnotokayipromise

hi. i feel like i'm going to make some typos so i apologize in advance, i'm just shaking pretty bad right now. warning that this is going to talk about suicide and self harm.

so one of my best friends has dealt with a lot of the same things i have. she's self harmed, she's been suicidal, all that and then some. i'd say she's definitely had it harder than i have as well. bear in mind that i only know her through the internet and i have no way offline to contact her.

we created a bit of a support system for one another. if i was ever wanting to hurt myself or my bad thoughts were coming back or i felt disgusting, she gave me advice and support. and i told her the same, if she ever needed anything she could come to me.

well the other day she was suicidal. and she sent me a message asking for help. but i didn't see it until three hours later.

and she hasn't been online since. i can't contact her, i can't know if she's alive or not. i replie d to her message to me asking for help but i don't even know if i sent it in time. the last thing she posted was a bit of a suicide note. i know she's attempted to end her life before but i'm scared that it worked this time. and even worse, if it did, it's my fault. i promised that i would be there for her and i broke it, i broke th at promise. i wasn't there. and now if she's dead, it's because of me. i ****ing killed one of my best friends.

and who knows if she even is dead or not. there's no way for me to know that and i've tried contacting mutual friends but nobody has responded yet. it's been over a day since she's been online and i'm so worried. i just want her to be alive, i want her to be okay. but she might not be and if she isn't i'll know it's my fault. it's my fault if she's dead.

i don't know how i'm supposed to live with this guilt. and if she isn't here anymore, i can't go to her funeral or anything. i never got to tell her everything i wanted to say and she might not be alive anymore. i'm terr ifed because i don't know what i'm going to do if she's gone. i can't deal with this and i'm so scare d. and it's all my fault.

its not your fault at all. You cant be responsible for her actions --- maybe she is inpatient right now.

[spring2014]

[QUOTE=imnotokayipromise;3974725]hi. i feel like i'm going to make some typos so i apologize in advance, i'm just shaking pretty bad right now. warning that this is going to talk about suicide and self harm.

so one of my best friends has dealt with a lot of the same things i have. she's self harmed, she's been suicidal, all that and then some. i'd say she's definitely had it harder than i have as well. bear in mind that i only know her through the internet and i have no way offline to contact her.

we created a bit of a support system for one another. if i was ever wanting to hurt myself or my bad thoughts were coming back or i felt disgusting, she gave me advice and support. and i told her the same, if she ever needed anything she could come to me.

well the other day she was suicidal. and she sent me a message asking for help. but i didn't see it until three hours later.

and she hasn't been online since. i can't contact her, i can't know if she's alive or not. i replie d to her message to me asking for help but i don't even know if i sent it in time. the last thing she posted was a bit of a suicide note. i know she's attempted to end her life before but i'm scared that it worked this time. and even worse, if it did, it's my fault. i promised that i would be there for her and i broke it, i broke th at promise. i wasn't there. and now if she's dead, it's because of me. i ****ing killed one of my best friends.

and who knows if she even is dead or not. there's no way for me to know that and i've tried contacting mutual friends but nobody has responded yet. it's been over a day since she's been online and i'm so worried. i just want her to be alive, i want her to be okay. but she might not be and if she isn't i'll know it's my fault. it's my fault if she's dead.

i don't know how i'm supposed to live with this guilt. and if she isn't here anymore, i can't go to her funeral or anything. i never got to tell her everything i wanted to say and she might not be alive anymore. i'm terr ifed because i don't know what i'm going to do if she's gone. i can't deal with this and i'm so scare d. and it's all my fault.[/QUOTE
Sweetie it's.not your fault .your friend needs to.take.responsibility for.her.own.actions and she must live w the consequences of her own actions and behavior .