don't know what to do

My little sister died last week. She was 29. I have been through so many thoughts and emotions in the last week and a half. My mind is spinning. I have been back in town from the service since Sunday night and Monday sucked, it was scary...I had so many things running through my mind. Then Tuesday I got out of bed and went to school and had a good day, so I thought, hey, things might be okay after all. They have pretty much been okay (as okay as they can be) until today. I had my first volunteer training session for a women's support services crisis line and pretty much everything that was said triggered me, and now I'm totally messed up. I can't get ahold of anyone. I just feel like I don't know what I'm going to do. I have a wife and she's great, and will help me get through anything, I know. But going to the hospital is out of the question if I get really depressed or start feeling suicidal. Every single time I've been there I've been abused, because I have borderline on my record (even though it was a misdiagnosis). They think I'm just there for attention. I couldn't handle going back. I would literally rather die.

She was sick for years. She was an alcoholic. So it's not like I didn't see this coming. She nearly died last year. Was in the hospital for a month. I don't understand why this is happening. I just want to be sad and cry a lot and whatever, not feel like I'm losing my mind. I hate this. I totally ****ing hate this. Life was just getting good! I worked my *** off to make my life better after a major mental health episode 5 years ago and it's been such a slow climb. Now this.

I am so sorry about your sister, spondiferous. Do you have a therapist to talk to? I think this would be the time when you really could use one. The loss of a sister can be a devastating thing.

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't normally come over to this forum, but I just got a call and a good childhood friend just passed. I think I am in shock. Sometimes there are just things that we will never understand. PM me anytime. And one more thing please don't give up on the five years you have been working so hard, give yourself credit for that.

I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you. It means a lot to me to have some responses. I feel so incredibly lost, confused, angry, sad, numb, bereft, anxious.

And it is ok to have all those feelings! It is not uncommon to have them all come at you at once. Thinking of you!

Hi spondiferous, I'm really sorry for your loss
And it's completely understandable that your feelings must be all over the place right now, a week and a half is such a short time after having lost your sister.
And despite the fact that you might have saw it coming, thinking it and actually experiencing it can be two totally different things, and that wasn't to say that you were ready to let her go regardless, right?
So you have a right to be feeling the way you're feeling, I'm sure you'd rather not but.........So now maybe try not to put too many expectations on yourself, give yourself time to grieve, give yourself time to get support for yourself. I know there are no "easy answers" but sometimes just talking, expressing the way you're feeling and having someone there for you can be a start/something you may need before anything else.
And give it time, and you will probably be sad and cry (right now, you're probably still in shock.....disbelief at times......numb at times.......not knowing or being able to control how you feel at times??) but in time you'll also gradually be able to smile about the memories you had of your sister/of having your sister in your life. In time you'll be able to feel a warm feeling at times when you think about her, instead of the pain you're feeling now.
I know it really isn't easy and you will probably have a way to go yet, but you're not on your own in this, OK?
You have us, you have your wife.........so please don't feel isolated in this.
And one day at a time..............



Alison

Thank you so much, Alison. This is exactly what I need to read today.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, grief is a very difficult emotion to deal with. Do you have anyone to talk to? When my mom died, I found talking about it made me feel better. It's been 4 yrs. and I still cry when I think about her. As you probably know, grief has different stages that we have to go through.
Please continue to post about your feelings, we are here to help you through this.

Thank you, Jolisse. I have been talking bout it, and it helps. A lot, actually. It releases all the emotional pressure that builds up inside of me. I have found also that playing the favourite songs we shared and singing to them makes me feel better. And looking at pictures of beautiful natural spaces.

I am sorry for the loss of your sister

I am so sorry about the loss of your sister. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. In other words give yourself permission to grieve and take it easy on yourself. Don't expect too much from yourself. The loss is still fresh. Again so sorry.