[kaliope]

I just went an liked a page on facebook. it provided me a list of friends to invite to like it too. On there was a picture of my sister. She died last January. her birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. she would have been fifty. I just sat there staring at her wondering what separated the two of us. her mental health issues killed her. we both were exposed to the same CSA by our brother and the same abuse by our father and we both went down the path of severe mental illness, she just more severe than me. she spent a good many years locked up in institutions. but because she had bpd, I don't think her trauma ever really got addressed properly. I just now got the right dx and treatment. all those years she was locked up for the wrong things. how could her life have been different if they treated her right? would she still be alive today? I know how she felt inside. and I am so very sad for her right now. to have died feeling so lost and alone. and because she was so mean to me with her bpd, I wasn't always there for her. I ignored many of her calls over the years. and now she is gone. and I am hurting.

[winter4me]

I am so sorry. You can never know what might have been. Grieve as you must...the pain will ebb and flow-------------. Glad that you have gotten what you need.

[Frankbtl]

Hi kaliope, I can imagine that seeing her photo also gave you a feeling of loss, of emptiness, senselessness, and a hole where she was/where she should be now???
And maybe things could have/should have been different for her (and for you!!) but as much as we'd like to/wish to there's no turning back the clock and even if it was possible there's nothing to say where that would lead to instead.
So perhaps instead you could try right now to honoring her for the life she did lead?? She must have been incredibly strong to have gone through all she went through, and she must have had a lot of fight in her to make it as far as she did???
And you know seeing the "bigger picture" can sometimes cost you the price of seeing/feeling some of the intricacies of her/her life.........the intricacies which are really precious, really special.
Maybe there are memories you can hold onto when she smiled, when she made you smile, moments you shared, times you could be there for her, times you felt real close to her, times she lifted you. I understand there might not be that many, but they say just as much about a person and the life they had than anything else.
So maybe try not to feel sad for her........I'd say that you probably more have the right to be proud of her, to have had her as your sister.
And as for not always being there for her, ignoring calls..........well I'm sure you had reasons for that.........maybe you were having a really hard time yourself, maybe you found that connection hard or distressing, maybe some things were triggering for you??? Either way you did what you were able to do, you did care and please don't assume she didn't know that. There's nothing to say she didn't. And she may well have clearly understood how hard it might have been for you, after the things you'd gone through together, after knowing how hard things could be.
And as for her being gone.........well you still keep her inside you/in your heart, you still keep her/your memories, right?? You know she's probably closer to you than you feel right now with all that you've still got left of her.
And remember that strength she had, remember the positive and inspiring things about her. Allow those gifts she gave you from knowing her to give you some of the warmth, comfort, positive affirmation...........you might need right now and whenever.

Alison

[Tommo]

I'm in my 60's now and my old and dear friends are...one by one...dropping like leaves off a wintering tree. The sad part is that there's nothing I can do about it. I guess you just have to be accepting and dwell on the best of what you remember. Bear in mind that you wouldn't even be upset over anyone's passing if they were an awful SOB. This means that you have had a shared love...and I am sure they know that and took it with them on their journey. Take a measure of comfort in believing that......

[CANDC]

Kali, so sorry to hear of your loss. You are not alone having 20-20 vision in the rear view mirror. For the longest time I dwelled on a loss that there were a hundred things I could have done differently. Releasing that struggle finally gave me some relief.
You have helped so many with your postings and your art work on PC. Give yourself the credit that you helped those you felt you could help.
You really are a compassionate healing person. It is just that we can't heal and help everyone and the ones we can't help seem to hurt the worst.