I hope with all of my heart that you know who I am. I hope that you remember my touch as I felt you kick and my voice when I sung you songs at night and talked to you about how wonderful your life would be. But most importantly, I hope you know how much I love you, and how much I wanted you and how I still want you so badly even today that I long to hold you in my arms.

Even though I was so poor and you deserved better, I loved buying clothing for you. I bought things even for when you were bigger, so I could imagine you in them and me taking you to get your photo taken, with your chubby legs as a toddler. I bought you shoes because I saw you as a person from the very moment I knew you would exist, and a person needs shoes. I practiced carrying your carseat around, as you know, and imagined you in it, a tiny bundle of love fast asleep or crying for me to hold you and then I imagined sweeping you up into my arms when I heard these cries, where at last you would be secure.

You were the greatest gift anyone on Earth could have ever thought to give me. All of a sudden I wasn't just me, the person who always failed and always let herself and the world down, but I belonged to you. My whole life did. And I want to tell you now, that none of that has changed. Not a single thing. I still belong to you. My life still is lived and every breath I take I dedicate to your name.

I now look at all those dreams I had, how I planned for you and I guess life never goes as planned. But I know that you were too good for this world. You will never know the pain of a scraped knee, a broken bone or a broken heart. You will never want for anything nor have to suffer a second of hunger. You will never cry a single tear of unhappiness. But I'm selfish, which you will never understand, because you have given me life. I'm selfish and I want you here with me. I want to be the one to bandage your scrapes and kiss your boo-boos and rock you to sleep when you cry. I'm selfish.

And I'm sorry for being so selfish. I know that you are at peace forever and I don't cry these tears for you. I cry them for me, because I wish that people I pass by could see you and I could let the world know how beautiful you are through your laughter. I want to take you to the park and chase after you. I wish I could post photos of you on social media and have people comment on how big you've grown. I guess to the outside, that's what being a mother is.

But I know a truth deeper than this, being a mother is something inside, something unbreakable that never dies and lives inside your heart. Because I am your mommy. I am, and always will be. And for selfish reasons, I want you to know that. But for the love I have for you, I know that I must let you fly and live with it everyday that there were better plans for you, you were just too good for life.

I love you my beautiful baby girl, my dream come true.

Mommy

[Skeezyks]

[Unrigged64072835]

[Takeshi]

That's such an insight coming from you, which I never truly understand, 'cos I'm a guy.

I think that the most important part of you was passed on to the baby girl of yours as soon as her consciousness kicked in, I believe that she will know what she needs to know.

Always the soul says to us all, Cherish your best hopes as a faith, and abide by them in action. Such shall be the effectual fervent means to their fulfilment. ---Margaret Fuller

Missing you today baby.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((hugs&tears)))

Well I guess I would've been a terrible mother to you anyway. Maybe you're better off in heaven than here with me. I'm such a selfish idiot for wanting you in my arms so bad right now. You are and always will be my destiny and the sole and only thing in the universe that EVER mattered to me. I was blessed to have you under my heart for 8 months. It was a gift I never deserved but somehow someone had mercy on me and let me know you. You are the world to me baby and Thank you for everything you've done. No one, nothing can ever break us. Together with you watching over me we are stronger than anything on this Earth.

I've been thinking about you a lot today. You are now 4 months old and all the newborn/0-3 months clothes I have would probably no longer fit you! I imagine you can hold your head up pretty well now, and I bet your SMILE is the most beautiful thing in the whole universe. Are you a calm baby, or a crier? When I'm out in public and I hear a baby cry, my first instinct is that it's you...I always turn around to make sure its not. Every time.

I suppose the most amazing thing to me in all of this, is that while I imagine you as an innocent, precious bundle of joy, the truth is that you are so much wiser than I and you know so much more. When I think of you, underneath all the pain, the only thing I feel is pure love. No fear...no one else have I loved so much that it has been able to cast out the FEAR that I feel with everyone else. I want you to know that my desires for another child in NO WAY is intended to replace you or the place in my heart you will forever hold.

As everyone around me tells me to wait, it's so easy to dismiss their opinions...but then I stop. And I realize that you're telling me the same thing. And you know, because you know why you had to go to Heaven instead of being here with me, something I as an Earthly human will never comprehend. I also know that when the time is right, you will pick out the perfect little brother or sister and send him/her to me.

But right now, and for eternity, I am a mother. I am your mother and you are my first child. You will always be my first child. I will spend the rest of my life every day, every second loving you. Just like if you were here, it's no different really.

Love and kisses,
Mommy

I love you so much, my beautiful baby girl.