[Mysticcheezwhiz]

One of my best friends died by suicide on February 12 of this year. There are lots of things that I am having a hard time dealing with at the moment. I was the only person he sent a suicide letter to and I found out lots of things about him that I didn't know. He was suffering through lots. He felt as though his family didn't care and made it seem like his family was horrible.

The hardest part for me is I know he was depressed and I thought he was getting help. On the Friday before he died he seemed really happy in his messages to me, I guess that should have been some sort of trigger.

When it comes down to it, I just really miss him. I still expect to get texts from him. I am sad I never got a chance to tell him how much he really meant to me.

[CANDC]

Hi Mysticcheezwhiz. Welcome to Psych Central. I am deeply sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. That must be so difficult for you not having that companionship. How are you coping with the loss? There are grief counselors therapists that can help as well as support groups. Just telling our story in itself can be a help on the way to processing grief.

There is something that I have read that may explain the happy messages before he died. When someone that has been in pain for a long time finds out they will die soon, it can be a big sense of relief to believe that it is almost over. Many people who commit suicide seem to want to end the pain, not necessarily to end their life. So when they finally decided to end their life that may explain the happy messages.

Here are some articles that may be of interest. https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...mmits-suicide/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/suicide...urvivors-cope/

Suicide and Crisis: Support Groups Resources | Psych Central

[Skeezyks]

[WePow]

wow... I am so so sorry. SU is such a complicated issue. I am one who tried several times but with grace was not able to ... duh I know... But I have literally been on that side. I wanted to share with you some things from the heart that I hope help just a little.

1. The mindset of SU becomes so dark that it is like being under the effects of acid. The world folds in on itself. We see and hear friends, but the voices are like a dream. It in an insanity that is beyond any other mental illness. It feels like your entire body, mind, and soul have all been exhausted and contracted the worst flu ever.

2. There is nothing you could have said or done. Nothing. It is hard for others to actually accept this, but the SU person has gone so far inside themselves that any input from anyone outside just does not exist.

When I was that sick my therapist told me all the right things. I had friends who where there and said the right things. There was all the support a person could ever have. But the sickness made me unable to "latch" onto any of those hands.

3. It was only after my SU failed .. I hate that phrase but it is the only description I know to use for myself... But only after that was I able to see or understand the pain and damage I would have left behind. And it made me so so so sick thinking all that was due to me. But at the time, I had NO WAY to see ANY of that pain.

In my right mind I would NEVER EVER want a friend, like you, to have the doubts and endless questions. I would never want to cause that pain you feel. I would suffer through a thousand and one eternal hells rather than hurt you the way you are hurting .

Your friend did not have a choice. Mental illness can and does kill people.

I encourage you to perhaps go ahead and send emails to yourself that are to your friend. Share the pain that you are in. The mental sickness stole your friend from you... and it is NOT FAIR!!!!! You deserve to have your voice and be heard.

[Mysticcheezwhiz]

WePow - thanks so much for your perspective and kind words. It does help. Perhaps I will try writing to him, maybe that will help.

Mental illness is tough, I attempted suicide in 1998.

[WePow]

Well, I am very glad you also survived.
Remember to stay kind to yourself.