I Give Up

My husband died last June. Since then I've been putting up this great facade of a strong woman. It's all nonsense. I have flash backs that keep getting worse and worse. Signing on to this forum tonight made me want to curl up in a ball.

The truth is, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

The truth is, I will get my fat *** up out of bed tomorrow and go to work and nobody, NOBODY will know that I'm trying to figure out whether or not to kill myself and how.

Hello Garnet: I'm sorry you have suffered this profound loss. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hi Garnet Python. It must be so difficult to go to work and try and hide how you feel inside. Must be that you are very strong to do that for the last year.

What resources are you considering to help you get through this grief? I hope you find the support you seek here on Psych Central.

Here are articles that may be of interest
https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-s...oss-and-grief/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/preparing-for-grief/

Garnett python I'm so sorry for your loss and for the continuing struggle with life. I can't offer much but an ear, if you ever want to talk. Please take gentle care of you.

Thank you all for your responses. I apologize for the nature of my original post. I was in full blown melt down mode and right at that moment, I felt I had no place to turn.

I actually did not make it into work the next day. I took the day off, slept in, and engaged is some self-care. I also found a local psychiatrist to go to. I'm rational enough to understand that I need some professional help to work through what is going on with me right now.

Basically, I'm experiencing a huge, and completely unexpected, resurgence of grief over my husband's death. I'm sure this is due to the approach of the one year anniversary on June 20th. I'm having flashbacks to the days leading up to his death and of his body after he died.

I'm also in the midst of an existential crisis. Do I really need to exist with all this pain? Of what value am I? Why keep going? Whiny, I know, but there it is. Death to me would be like going to sleep and not waking up. It is all too tempting. Thinking like this is scaring me a good bit. It's not normally in my nature to think about suicide or to talk about it so bluntly.

My melt down the other night did serve a bit of a release valve. Crying and screaming and ranting and feeling sorry for myself and thinking all those dark thoughts without trying to suppress them has actually cleared my brain a bit. I feel, as of this moment, like I can continue on. Like I do have value. Like I can survive this resurgence of pain. Like I can see the hints of a future in which my grief is not drowning me.

I also know this. There are more melt downs in my path. I am so easily triggered right now. As an example, I am NOT fan of Garth Brooks. Not. One. Bit. Yet, this morning his song "The Dance" came on the radio as I was driving to work. I had to pull over and listen to it and bawl. I was able to compose myself and continue on in to work.

And, gods, those flashbacks are terrible and they seemingly come out of nowhere. One moment I'm doing something, being reasonably content, and BAM! I'm back in the hospital looking at his lifeless form.

So anyway, I'm grateful that this forum is here and thankful to those of you who have reached out to me.

I tried to post a response. Is it lost in the ether?

Garnet, sorry for your post being delayed. The first 5 posts have to be read by a volunteer like myself and approved to make sure that posts are within community guidelines.

When you have 6 posts they appear instantly.

Garnet, I am sorry everything is so emotional at this time. No wonder though, having lost your husband. That is so much a part of our lives that it is like our identity and who we think we are is shaken and fractured. Picking up the pieces as you noted can be significantly aided with the help of a professional.

I am like you, not wanting to talk about suicide, but thoughts came up for me with the death of a loved one recently, with me looking for a way to ease the pain. I had a friend that dreamed of suicide but one night they had a vivid dream where they encountered their relatives who had died and the relatives were telling them to stay there (meaning on Earth) and things would eventually work out. It freaked me out to hear this. I went on to read a book by an MD Raymond Moody called Life after Life that I got out of the library. It was really an aha moment for me and how I thought about life.

These articles also help me
https://psychcentral.com/grief/

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

Ah! Oftentimes, volunteer work is such a thankless job. So, thank you for what you do.

Garnet thank you for your appreciation. It is well received.

I enjoy helping people. Thanks again!

So sorry for your loss, GP. My second husband died a long time ago and it's still haunting, just not as much.

Hi Garnet, How are you doing?

Hi Garnet. I am so so sorry for your pain.

It won't always be the same -- some days are so so so damn hard. Others, one feels guilty for laughing or enjoying something -- as soon as the memory comes surging back in.
The anniversary dates are hard, and I am amazed at people who told me it would get easier. My husband died 8 years ago on June 7th, and this year my ex passed in May. Turbulence is disorienting to us, and it's so hard to do good self-care under all that strain!

Please be good to yourself. One thing, my friend:Your grief is your own, if anyone tells you that you're "doing it wrong", invite them to take a long walk off a short pier.

gentle hugs to you.
Chyia, one foot in front of the other!

I'm a widow whose husband died last July, and I'm coming up on the first anniversary of his passing, so I feel your pain. I hope you got through yours OK. (((((HUGS)))))

I am so sorry for your loss BipolaRNurse. It must be difficult losing a partner. I lost my dad in October and it has been a rough 8 months.