[Shellbe]

the holidays are so hard. I always miss my parents but the holidays are when i feel the most alone, the most disconnected, and the most dead inside. Halloween, t'giving, and Christmas....
i don't know how to deal with them and i'm recently married and my husband has his whole family alive, excited, living...

together. i know they care, but i feel so stupid with his parents buying me all these presents for christmas b//c they don't want it to look like my husband and his brother have more to open. it's so nice of them but it doesn't erase the elephant in the room.

i can't explain the feeling and i don't know if it's all grief or the depression too. Probably both and the PTSD and more. But this year, i already want to take a walk in my yard and weep....christmas and thanksgiving haven't been the same since my dad died when i was 15 but, for me, they are even worse since my mom's death at 25. I feel like an orphan. I feel like i'm coming apart. And when i think about what i want, what i really need right now, it is them. i don't know how to give that love to myself or how to ask for it from my husband. He tires of hearing how much i miss them in one breath and then talking about the ways they abused me in another. it makes it all the more confusing. buti would take them back right now, i would go through the abuse, just to feel connected, just to know someone gave enough of a %#@&#! about me to bother to hurt me.

i know feelings pass. I won't be able to stand this everyday until Christmas. I just don't know the right thing.

[okiedokie]

Hi Shellbe,
Welcome to PC! You will find lots of wisdom here.

I totally understand what you're saying. I don't know how long it has been since your mom's death, but you may want to consider some grief counseling. It really is specialized.

That being said, my mom has been gone for 5 years and it hasn't gotten any easier for me. I miss her terribly. I will still sometimes just start crying at the thought of her. She was the only person in the world, ever, who loved me unconditionally.

My heart goes out to you.
Take care,
Okie

[DocClyde]

Hi Shellbe,
Welcome to PC!

Sorry to hear about things, but as mentioned at least you have a good in-law family...

I understand how you feel and am very sorry that you have no family like that...

(((hugs)))

[Perna]

Shellbe, think of it like driving a car; where you look, that's where the car goes! You're trying to go in reverse it sounds like and that's not a good direction, too hard to steer :-) Figure out how to face forward and look at what's coming up and find little pieces you like about each holiday and/or ways you can help others enjoy their holidays.

[towie]

Shellbe, I understand completely because this is the first year we will be facing the holidays without my father. He died Memorial day weekend and he was always the center of our holidays. While the rest of the family will be celebrating Thanksgiving, my Mother, brother, daughter and me will be going elsewhere. The thought of sitting and giving thanks is unthinkable. As for Christmas, there will be none this year. I can't even imagine what it is going to be like. The past 5 months have been heartbreaking. He shouldn't have died but because of a doctor's neglect, they sent him home and he died. I can't forgive them. I just want to skip the next couple of months.