[JTSummer]

Hi everyone. I really could use some guidance. I have a very close friend who lost her husband in an overnight accident leaving her a widow with several small children. This happened almost a year ago. I believe she has "complicated grief" and has also been turning to alcohol and drugs to cope. I and our other close friends and family don't know what to do. If anyone tries to approach her even in the gentlest of ways she lashes out and says no one can understand her. She says she feels all alone even though she has the most support I have ever seen this far along. (I too have had an immediate family member die but I can't relate to it being a spouse).

I'm really just looking for help. How do we talk to her even just about normal things? She seems to try to push everyone away and is cold and mean and honestly hurtful to everyone around her. Just lashes out. A friend gently suggested therapy to her and she went off on her. Are we as friends supposed to say something when she turns to alcohol and getting high or is there nothing we can say or do that has any real impact?

Really appreciate any help! Thank you!

[Buffy01]

You can offer to take to or have someone who deal with complicated grief who could better assisted her. I have complicated grief. I wish that I had that much support.

[Skeezyks]

Hello JT: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I'm sorry I probably cannot be of much help with regard to your concerns. From my perspective, I think about all you can do is to let your friend know you're available should she ever wish to talk about what's going on with her. However, your friend is an adult. And she has the right to make her own decisions... including bad ones. If she is cold, mean, & hurtful & lashes out at everyone, then to me what she's telling you all is to leave her alone.

My personal reaction to this sort of situation would be to take the person at their word, so to speak, & simply leave them alone unless or until they would happen to seek me out. That would be, however, my personal reaction; and I'm a pretty reclusive person by nature. Perhaps other members, here on PC may have more helpful insights to share.

Here's a link to an article from PsychCentral's archives on the topic of consoling a grieving friend. Perhaps it can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...ieving-friend/

Also here is a link to PsychCentral's Grief and Loss On-line Resources listing:

https://psychcentral.com/resources/Grief_and_Loss/

My best wishes to you...

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by JTSummer

Hi everyone. I really could use some guidance. I have a very close friend who lost her husband in an overnight accident leaving her a widow with several small children. This happened almost a year ago. I believe she has "complicated grief" and has also been turning to alcohol and drugs to cope. I and our other close friends and family don't know what to do. If anyone tries to approach her even in the gentlest of ways she lashes out and says no one can understand her. She says she feels all alone even though she has the most support I have ever seen this far along. (I too have had an immediate family member die but I can't relate to it being a spouse).

I'm really just looking for help. How do we talk to her even just about normal things? She seems to try to push everyone away and is cold and mean and honestly hurtful to everyone around her. Just lashes out. A friend gently suggested therapy to her and she went off on her. Are we as friends supposed to say something when she turns to alcohol and getting high or is there nothing we can say or do that has any real impact?

Really appreciate any help! Thank you!

I would just leave her alone for the time being but I would keep an eye on her from a distance. I would anonymously informed the police that she is drinking and doing drugs and their children involved and let them deal with it from their. I would also anonymously contacted cps on her informing that you are in fear of the lives of her children you offer her some help she refused to get any kind of help and is doing things that could affect the safety of her children. Contact the children in school informed them that their mother is high and is drinking and refuse to get any kind of help. This way she will not know who it is that had report her for abuse. This is abuse regardless of what she feel but this abuse by doing drugs and drinking.

I hope this help you in some way.

[spondiferous]

I have a lot of empathy and sympathy for you, your friend, her children, and anyone supporting her/them. I would suggest that someone (someone brave enough perhaps, under the circumstances) be honest with her and tell her that her behaviour is pushing people away, and that it's hard to know how to support her when nothing seems to be good enough. At some point, if the behaviour continues, people are going to start backing off and she really will be alone. So you'd be doing it as much for her as for yourself. Also, if left unchecked, her drug and alcohol use could become addiction, if it hasn't already.

I am not suggesting that any of you are responsible for this (her behaviours, her coping mechanisms, etc), because none of you are. Even with grief and impossible circumstances, your friend is responsible for herself. It sucks, and it's true that maybe nobody can understand her unique situation, and she is certainly entitled to deal with it however she sees fit, but you and everyone else in her life are also entitled to have boundaries around it. All grief is complicated/complex. There is no set path/roadmap for people in any kind of grief/loss situation, and it's entirely possible your friend is doing the best she can. And maybe she won't listen to anyone right now, and maybe she will use any kind of intervention as a sign that people are not really on her side and push people further away. That's her prerogative. Regardless of the possible outcome, I wouldn't suggest just letting it go. It sounds like this has probably been going on for a while. Also there are children in the picture. And believe it or not, a lot of people who lash out aren't even aware they're doing it, whether because they're just not aware of their actions or because they feel like it's a normal response under the circumstances.

There were many things I never said to my sister because I didn't want her to feel judged; I wanted to let her know she was supported and loved no matter what. Her behaviours ended up killing her and I still wonder to this day if my intervening more urgently and earlier would have made any difference, but I never tried so I'll never know. I have no doubt that you all love and care for your friend, and that nobody wants to let go and leave her unsupported. But remaining silent as she self-destructs isn't doing her any favours. Also, right now, based on how you've described the situation, it sounds like she's being abusive (verbally/emotionally/etc). And no matter what state she's in, that's not something the rest of you should have to deal with.

I wish you the best in dealing with this, and hope any of this has been helpful.