understanding a grieving friend

caterpillarinct · Jun 04, 2018, 10:39 AM

My best friend's son died of an opiod overdose 15 months ago. He was 26. At the time, I stupidly repeated to her what my boyfriend said to me "how did she not know".

He had passed in his bedroom perhaps a day earlier. She will not let it go. People, at the minute they hear, don't realize he is an adult and are doing their separate things. Obviously you are not keeping tract of them at that age. He was not accusing her of anything. He is a kind and empathetic person.
But she "holds a grudge" as she says. It has been difficult for me for my friend to keep hating my boyfriend. Now she has said she doesn't want me to talk about him. I think I have to let her go as my friend, and it makes me very sad.

Thanks for "listening".

Skeezyks · Jun 04, 2018, 07:01 PM

Hello caterpillar: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!

I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you have had this saddening experience.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCnetral's archives, that may be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/surviv...ship-break-up/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/knowin...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-step...iendship-ends/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-tips...ieving-friend/

My best wishes to you... & to your friend...

caterpillarinct · Jun 04, 2018, 08:23 PM

Thank you Skeezyks.

I want to to know if it is normal for a grieving person to be so irrational like this. I know she is having a very difficult time.
and....I guess I might feel like a bad person abandoning her, but I don't see how I can continue our friendship if my boyfriend has to be eliminated from our conversations.

Deejay14 · Jun 05, 2018, 07:05 PM

I think it's very normal for a grieving mother who has buried her young adult son to behave irrationally. Her anger has to go somewhere even if it's not the right place. She has a lot to come to terms with. Maybe you could help her find a therapist or a support group. The group Compassionate Friends comes to mind. There are also on line grief support called Grief Net. A local funeral home might have grief resources on their website.

As for your friendship,only you can make that decision. I might try to point her towards help before I broke up the friendship

Hope this helps

healingme4me · Jun 08, 2018, 04:30 PM

What makes it irrational if in a time of grief a comment is perceived as callous and off handed? Could your bf not have kept it to himself?

Maybe space is in order? Maybe without fanfare? Bearing in mind that things may never be the same?

ohmydaisy · Jun 20, 2018, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by caterpillarinct

My best friend's son died of an opiod overdose 15 months ago. He was 26. At the time, I stupidly repeated to her what my boyfriend said to me "how did she not know".

He had passed in his bedroom perhaps a day earlier. She will not let it go. People, at the minute they hear, don't realize he is an adult and are doing their separate things. Obviously you are not keeping tract of them at that age. He was not accusing her of anything. He is a kind and empathetic person.
But she "holds a grudge" as she says. It has been difficult for me for my friend to keep hating my boyfriend. Now she has said she doesn't want me to talk about him. I think I have to let her go as my friend, and it makes me very sad.

Thanks for "listening".

I don't quite understand how you could let a best friend go (when she lost a son not that long ago) because she was hurt by what your boyfriend said. I have to admit that repeating what your boyfriend said about your best friend to be insensitive. She lost her son barely over a year ago. That's a rough situation. I don't think any parent imagines burying their child.

Giving her an outlet to heal (like what was suggested above) is a helpful thing. But I think space is needed before addressing the situation of reconciling your friend with your boyfriend. I think cutting your friend off is quite harsh.

CANDC · Jun 29, 2018, 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by caterpillarinct

My best friend's son died of an opiod overdose 15 months ago. He was 26. At the time, I stupidly repeated to her what my boyfriend said to me "how did she not know".

He had passed in his bedroom perhaps a day earlier. She will not let it go. People, at the minute they hear, don't realize he is an adult and are doing their separate things. Obviously you are not keeping tract of them at that age. He was not accusing her of anything. He is a kind and empathetic person.
But she "holds a grudge" as she says. It has been difficult for me for my friend to keep hating my boyfriend. Now she has said she doesn't want me to talk about him. I think I have to let her go as my friend, and it makes me very sad.

Thanks for "listening".

Grief is a very difficult thing for people to share before they have experienced their own loss. It is a shame to lose a friend especially when you have lost someone near and dear.

Another alternative is to seek out a therapist or other support for you to discuss the things that bother you and only discuss the topics your friend feels comfortable with. That is a sacrifice on your part but might be nice to have a friend when their grief passes and you are feeling ready to get back to having a friend.

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